The Road Home
by Mira Spiegel
Summary: This is purely a what if story...What if Lily and Harry were saved from Voldemort on the night of October 31st? How would the plan to defeat Voldemort be laid out? And what if Severus and Lily had a second chance to reconcile?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters within. I'm not making any money off this. However, this is my National Novel Writing Month project so wish me luck as I try to finish the month with 50,000 words! This is purely a "what if" story, so please, no one tell me that Lily died and this isn't part of canon…I know that. That's why I'm writing this story.

And remember, reviews are a wonderful thing!

**The Road Home**

Chapter One: Intervention

_October 31, 1981_

He was told to wait. To just sit and wait while other people were suppose to take care of what he wanted protected. He fell into the old armchair, exhausted from his hours of pacing. Kids dressed in homemade costumes wandered in front of the house that sat at the end of Spinner's End. He had charmed it that night so it would looked abandoned. He really didn't want any guests. All he wanted to know was that she was safe.

It was all his fault to begin with. He had been replaying so many things in his mind that night, trying to find the part where everything went spinning out of control and all he ever wanted from life slipped through his fingers. It had happened six years ago, by the Black Lake at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. And all it took was one word spoken out of fear, humiliation and the desire to be part of something that was bigger than himself.

He still felt intense shame at that particular memory. The countless times he had attempted to apologize to her afterwards held no condemnation for him, only sorrow. She had been right though. She had given him more than enough chances to adapt to her standards but he had refused. Not because he wasn't capable but because she was able to go to Gryffindor Tower and be accepted while he descended into the dungeons and was demanded to align himself with the pure blood mania that was spreading like wild fire through the House. She didn't understand, he didn't have a choice to make. When the sorting hat placed him in Slytherin, the choice had been made as to what path he would take in life.

He tried to excel in that path, God knows he tried. He thought if he could gain favor as the Dark Lord's most trusted servant, he would be able to protect her. Or at least be the first Death Eater to leave the service of the Dark Lord and live to tell the tale. He didn't know what he was doing when he reported the prophecy back to Voldemort. If he had known that by doing that, he was signing her death warrant, he would have gladly carried that prophecy to the grave with him. He hadn't spoken or seen her in so long, he didn't even know she was expecting. He hadn't even considered the possibility that the prophecy could refer to her at all.

Using the prophecy as a bargaining chip, he asked the Dark Lord to spare the mother. To everyone's surprise, most of all his own, the Dark Lord agreed. It was merely an act to show his followers that he rewarded such faithful behavior though he also mocked the sentimentality he had for a 'mudblood.' But the Dark Lord's promise to spare the mother wasn't a good enough assurance so he went to the only other man who could possibly intervene.

Albus Dumbledore had proved to be a fair minded Headmaster while Severus was at school. He was a man who believed in second chances which meant he would believe in Severus. When it came down to it, he trusted Dumbledore's word over the Dark Lord's, a thought that would get him killed in an instant. He had arranged a meeting with Dumbledore and pled his case. The wizened wizard, though initially disgusted, heard his plea. He had traded his service for the Dark Lord to another. He had swapped one master or another. Even if she was spared, he was still an indentured servant for the rest of his life.

He sat there with his head in his hands and wondered where he had gone from being the "Half-Blood Prince," a man who created spells and modified potions to someone who had to rely on others to do a job he should be doing himself. He loved her. He cared about Lily Evans and he had placed her life and safety into the hands of two other men, one of which he didn't trust at all and one who he didn't know if he could trust.

His mother's words came back to him through the haze of worry and fear. She had taken him by the shoulders as he was about to board the Hogwarts Express for the first time and looked him in the eye. He had learned to listen to her when she did this. She didn't speak often but when she did, it was worth listening to.

"Severus, there is one person you can count on to do the right and proper thing."

"You?" he had foolishly answered.

She shook her head, sadness etched onto her features. "Yourself."

And that was the last time he had seen her alive. The pain still felt fresh, even after ten years of getting accustomed to the loss. He was not particular close to his mother but her loss was still significant. It was not knowing the woman that she really was underneath the hidden bruises and broken spirit. He could not imagine what the pain would be if he lost Lily, someone he did know. The only person he had ever called "friend" and meant it in every sense of the word.

No, he couldn't rely on Dumbledore's protection or Voldemort's mercy. He had to be the one that protected her, and if need be, Potter and their son. He was the only one that he could count on to do the job right and to the best of his ability. He would no longer sit on the sidelines and wait for someone else to do what he wanted done. He knew they were in Godric's Hollow and he concentrated on the small square at the center of town and apparated.

He felt the world stop spinning and when he opened his eyes, he was in Godric's Hollow. Children still wandered the street, though not in many numbers due to the late hour. He pulled his wand and held it at the ready as he ran down the street where he was certain she lived. The Dark Lord knew where the house was, that sniveling coward of a man had told them, breaking the Fidelius charm that had been set. He scanned the houses, wanting some sort of sign as to which one was the Potter's. No sooner did he wish for that, then it was revealed to him.

A flash of green light lit up the small yard two houses in front of him. He didn't hesitate as he barreled his way through the front gate and up the walk to the front door that was already standing open. He flattened himself against the side of the door jam and peeked into the house. Potter was already dead on the floor, his hazel eyes empty and staring directly at him. He thought he would feel a thrill of joy or at least a moment of happiness at seeing his school rival finally defeated but the only feeling that assaulted him was a tragic sense of loss and waste.

He glanced up the stairs and saw Voldemort ascending the stairs while Lily rushed into the nursery and slammed the door shut. Severus was able to get just enough of a look at the nursery in order to apparate there. He concentrated on what the crib looked like, the color of the walls and Lily herself. By the time he had reappeared in the room, Voldemort was already there, wand held at the ready, pointed directly at the screaming mother who was holding her child against her.

He watched as Voldemort's red eyes widened in surprise at his sudden appearance. This was good, he wanted his Dark Lord to know that he no longer his lord. He kept his gaze level, and steady as he threw his arms around Lily and the child and apparated from Godric's Hollow. Severus Snape had only one master now and that was the love he felt for the woman he just saved.


	2. Trust and the Aftermath

**The Road Home**

Chapter Two: Trust and the Aftermath

"James…James…"

That was all she kept saying between sobs and Severus was beside himself with what to do now. The only time he had seen a woman cry was when his mother thought no one was looking and he quickly learned that to try to give comfort at that time was indecent. The child was screaming at the top of his lungs, as if he were aware of the circumstances and the gravity of the situation.

Severus had apparated them to the hilltop where he had plead for their lives to Dumbledore. He was afraid to take them back to Spinner's End and he wasn't sure if he would be welcome at Hogwarts. The arrangement he had made with Dumbledore was that he would be a spy for the Order of the Phoenix and remain within the Death Eater ranks. He had effectively made that move completely irrelevant now that Voldemort knew who's side he was fighting for. However, sides didn't matter to him to at the moment. He didn't care if Voldemort wanted him dead or Dumbledore was furious with his hasty decision. Lily was alive, broken but alive.

He took off his cloak and draped it over Lily's shaking shoulders. She was still repeating her husband's name and the baby was still bawling. Severus unbuttoned his top coat and pulled it off, leaving him only in his white shirt. The cold, October wind tore through the cotton with ease, leaving him shivering in a matter of seconds. Pushing the uncomfortable feeling of being cold from his mind, he wrapped the baby up in his top coat and pulled his cloak closed over both mother and son.

"Severus."

He jumped at the sound of his name even though it was whispered. He spun around, wand held out in front of him, ready to attack at the slightest movement. Dumbledore emerged from the shadows, hands raised in a placating manner.

"How do I know it's you?" Severus demanded.

"This is the same spot where you agreed to turn your allegiance over to me. A deal, I see, you've made some alterations to."

He lowered his wand but didn't put it away. Dumbledore came forward, his robes whipping around him wildly as he placed a reassuring hand on Lily's back. "I believe Hogwarts would be the best place for you at the moment."

Lily nodded her head and allowed her former Headmaster to raise her to her feet. Severus backed away from them, unsure of his role now. He didn't want to be separated from Lily at the moment but he wasn't sure how Dumbledore was going to react to the "alterations" he had made.

"Severus, I believe you should accompany us," Dumbledore said without even turning around.

Lily nodded her head. "Yes, he saved us. He needs to come."

"Very well," the Headmaster said before charming a fallen stick into a portkey. They all grabbed a hold and Severus felt the familiar tug at his stomach as it transported them to the school. When they landed, he was pleased to see that they were in the Headmaster's office. The warmth of the fire that was already roaring in the hearth knocked the chill off of Severus' skin.

"Why don't you have a seat, Severus," Dumbledore said, "while I get Lily and little Harry settled in my chambers?"

Severus could tell it wasn't a request nor a question so he took one of the cozy leather chairs nearest to the fire and waited for the older man to return. It wasn't long before Dumbledore reemerged from the room off of the office. The old man's visage looked thunderous and Severus tried not to look him in the face. A sudden shame came over him for his brash actions but then he realized, he had saved Lily and her child. Shouldn't that be worth something?

"What of James?" Dumbledore asked harshly.

Severus stared into the fire. "He was already dead when I got there."

"How convenient for you. You asked me to spare the mother only, to hell with the father and son. You expect me to believe you when you say that James was already dead by the time you got there?"

"Yes, as a matter fact I do. You trusted me to be a spy. Where is that trust now?"

Dumbledore stared down at him with his piercing blue eyes. "Did you come with Voldemort tonight? Is that how you found where they lived?"

Severus stood up from the chair and returned the old man's steady gaze. "I did not go with the Dark Lord tonight. I knew where the house was because I was present when Peter Pettigrew told us the location."

Dumbledore's brow furrowed. "Pettigrew? They used Pettigrew as their secret keeper?"

"Apparently it was Black's idea. He feared he was too obvious a choice and thought he would bluff us by having them change secret keepers to Pettigrew. Pettigrew is the traitor, not Lupin."

Dumbledore turned away from Severus, now deep in thought. "Very interesting. This changes things greatly, I'm afraid."

"How so?"

"First of all, I've lost a very useful spy. No doubt Voldemort saw it was you who apparated Lily and Harry away from him. There's also the problem with the prophecy as well."

"You said yourself that a prophecy only holds sway if someone believes in it."

"Voldemort still believes in it, which means two families must now be placed into hiding for two boys fit the prophecy's requirements. Voldemort will not stop until he finds them both and…"

Severus waited for the old man to continue. Instead, the Headmaster turned around and faced Severus with a hard look in his eye. "Now that you have what you want, how can I know you are trust worthy?"

"I didn't want it like this."

"Didn't you?"

A red rage overtook him and he grabbed the nearest thing to him and hurled it against one of the office's stone walls. It shattered into a thousand pieces. "I love her! Do you think I would willingly cause her pain? I felt no satisfaction at James Potter's death."

Dumbledore's hands came down heavily on Severus' shoulders. "What did you feel then?"

Severus felt his knees give out and he swayed under the combined burden of the truth and Dumbledore's hands. "Remorse. Loss." He took a shuddering breath and felt the last word ripped from his heart. "Failure."

Dumbledore dropped his hands back to his sides and went to stand by the window. "We all failed them, son. We all failed."


	3. Enemies to Allies

**The Road Home**

Chapter Three: Enemies to Allies

Loud voices woke him up with a start. Severus wasn't even aware he had fallen asleep as it was his purpose to watch over Lily and her child. He wasn't used to dealing with children let alone one that was that small. Judging from the crick in his neck, he had fallen asleep in the overstuffed arm chair where he had taken up his vigil. Dumbledore must have given Lily a sleeping potion or a calming spell as she was still blissfully unaware of the growing argument outside the chamber door.

He recognized Black's voice and no doubt the murmur of the other was Lupin. He wasn't ready to face them yet so he went back to watching Lily and tried to rub the soreness out of his neck. He hadn't seen her in so many years. He had forgotten the tinge of her skin and exact shade of red her hair was. The only thing that he had held onto with all his might was the color of her eyes: that brilliant, emerald green.

He had tried to forget what those eyes looked like when they ceased to view him through a sense of wonder and admiration. Slowly, over the course of their education, she had become disillusioned with his particular branch of study and the wonder slowly turned into disappointment and later, distance. Nothing cut to his heart more than to remember those eyes glinting in anger and hurt in the dark hallway in front of Gryffindor Tower during their fifth year. He never told her but he ended up in the hospital wing that night when word reached the Slytherin common room that he had apologized to her for calling her a 'mudblood.' He still had scars from that particular "discipline" session.

Had she known what he faced, would things have turned out differently for them? Would she have realized his interest in the Dark Arts, though supported by those in his house, was solely for the purpose of how to defend himself against it? He had heard from one of the muggle movies that his father watched a line that stated "Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer." It had made sense to him. Friends you trust, there is no fear in their hurting you. Enemies would hurt you as soon as your vigilance faltered. If he had sat down with her and explained everything, laid out his plan for survival, would she have understood his reasoning?

She was sleeping so soundly, he leaned over the edge of the bed and brushed a strand of the dark red hair back from her face. He had forgotten, with a smile, that she had a freckle on the top most part of her right ear. He noticed her skin was very pale, more so than the vague recollection he had. His hand still stood out as quite a few shades lighter than her own fair skin but he didn't remember it being that pale. Settling back into the chair, he noticed that Lily was by herself in the bed. There was no dark haired infant held in her arms.

He was surprised at the strength of the panic that hit him. He pulled back the covers as best he could without disturbing Lily but the child was no longer in the bed. He checked under the bed, in closets and wardrobes but the child had effectively disappeared from the room. He didn't want to face the lynching mob at the moment but the fear of having Lily wake up and have her son missing was enough to drive him into the lion's den. He paused by the door, trying to decide when to break into the argument.

"What do you mean you don't know what to do now?" Black's voice echoed off the walls of the office.

"Sirius," Lupin's hoarse voice was lower, but the words were still distinct. "This is a very serious and complicated matter."

"You don't think I know that! I just lost my best friend because I was suspicious of the wrong person! Now, the man we've been trusting to keep us all safe is suddenly at a loss for plans!"

"Who was it that saved Lily and Harry?" Lupin asked quietly. In the quiet that had finally settled over the room, Severus could hear the contented gurgling of the baby and an intense feeling of relief came over him. The child hadn't been lost. But as for Dumbledore answering them as to who saved the mother and child, he had remained silent on the matter. Figuring that was going to be his best introduction possible, he stepped around the corner and entered into the office.

Surprisingly, it wasn't Black, Lupin or even Dumbledore that saw him. Rather it was Harry, who pointed at him and shouted something that only he understood in his own baby babble. It was enough to cause the other three to be aware of his presence. He realized a serious oversight as soon as his appearance was noticed: he didn't have his wand. It was still laying on the antique bedside table.

Black plunged a hand into his robes and drew his wand. Severus waited for the curse but nothing came. Dumbledore looked nonplussed and Lupin just looked weary.

"What's he doing here?" Black spat.

"He," Dumbledore responded quite calmly, "is the reason Lily and this little one are still alive." Harry gurgled contentedly on Dumbledore's lap, playing with one of the more innocuous looking instruments in the office.

Black's wand lowered slightly. "Pity you didn't show up in time to save James as well."

Severus balled up his hands into fists in an effort to keep some control over his anger. How dare he accuse him of idly standing by while Voldemort killed James. Did they really thing he was that cold blooded?

"Sirius," Lupin said with a sense of warning in his voice.

"Right, regular hero you are," Black continued. "Didn't take you long to swoop in and save the girl once the man who bested you in that game was dead."

"And where were you?" Severus roared. One of the glass instruments on a spindly legged table exploded. "Where were you, Black? The supposed secret keeper who shirked his duties because he was too obvious of a choice!"

Black's voice matched Severus' volume. "What are you implying, you greasy, oddball bastard?"

"Not implying, only making an observation concerning your cowardice!"

Black's face flushed a deep shade of scarlet and when he spoke, his voice was low and deadly. "You would know all about cowardice, wouldn't you?"

"Enough!" Dumbledore bellowed and it was enough to dispel the red haze that blinded Severus. The blood had stopped pounded in his ears and the baby's wailing cry filled the room. Dumbledore was bouncing the crying child on his knee, trying to calm him down. He looked at the wide green eyes, sparkling with tears and all the fight went out of him, leaving him deflated and tired. Was that all it took now? The fearsome Death Eater that had been rising so quickly through Voldemort's ranks, subdued by a crying baby with the mother's eyes.

"How is Lily, Severus?" Dumbledore asked. Harry had calmed down to just sniffling now.

"Still sleeping."

Black looked affronted. "You let him near her?"

"His 'being near her' kept her from a terrible fate, Sirius." Dumbledore gazed at Black from above his half moon spectacles. "It would work to everyone's benefit if you remember you are no longer students in this school, but grown men who have matured past childish squabbles."

Severus wanted to ask if a prank that could have ended in his death could be considered a "childish squabble" but Black backed down and disgustedly shoved his wand back into his robes.

Lupin rubbed his face tiredly. "Do we know where Peter is now?"

All eyes turned to Severus. "Most likely he is suffering punishment for the Dark Lord's failure to kill the child."

"Is that why you're here," Sirius said. "Hiding behind Dumbledore to avoid punishment?"

"Sirius, leave."

The three young men's heads whipped around towards Dumbledore, all of them shocked into silence. The only thing that brought them back from their dumbfounded state was when Harry started banging the instrument in his chubby hands against the dark wood of the Headmaster's desk.

Dumbledore stood up. "Perhaps you would like to take your godson on a tour of the castle. I'm certain Remus would be more than happy to fill you in on what is said in your absence."

Black looked disgruntled but quietly took the baby from Dumbledore and left the office. Dumbledore returned to his chair and waved a hand over the gashes in his desk from where the instrument struck and they disappeared completely from view. He pulled his wand and quietly said "reparo" to the shards of metal and glass on the floor and the instrument that Severus had broken in his anger quickly reassembled itself and once more sat on the spindly legged table. "Now, gentlemen, would you mind taking a seat?"

Out of all of James Potter's posse, Lupin seemed to be the most…bearable. Potter and Black had turned childhood cruelty into a verifiable art form while Pettigrew stood by and applauded their creative endeavors. Lupin, however, usually tried to look the other way most of the time. It didn't clear him of responsibility in Severus' mind but it did make sitting next to him in front Dumbledore less stinging. Perhaps it was just pure jealousy on Severus' part where Lupin was concerned. It was undoubted in his mind that Lupin was a werewolf making him an outcast to the wizarding world. Due to Potter and his friends though, Lupin was an accepted outcast which, despite nothing specific he could hold against Lupin, still made him twinge with resentment.

Dumbledore gazed at them over top of his steepled fingers. "What do you suggest our course of action be at this moment?"

* * *

It had to all be a dream. Surely that was it. She could feel the softness of the bed underneath her and the weight of the blankets bearing down on her, though she didn't remember her blankets being quite this heavy. She shoved that thought out of her head and slowly reached out a hand across the sheets, keeping her eyes closed and repeating her mantra of "it was only a dream." But her searching hands only found the soft fabric underneath her fingertips to be colder and colder the farther away she reached. No warmth…No James. 

She turned her face into the down pillow, trying to stifle a sob. Could it be possible to suffocate herself if she pressed her nose and mouth forcefully enough into the pillow? She doubted it and gave up after a few failed attempts. How was she suppose to go back to sleeping by herself, when she had become so accustomed to having a husband pressed up against her and a steady tempo of breathing to lull her to sleep? Who was she going to reach for after a nightmare? Who was going to bring her comfort?

_Harry. _Her eyes flew open. She had searched the bed for James and not found him. She remembered holding Harry close to her, out of fear of losing him as well, and she had not found him either. Surely she couldn't lose both of them in one night? Sitting up, she threw the covers away from her and took in the expansive bed she was laying in. But there was no Harry. She slid from the bed and began searching the room.

She remembered Severus, faintly aware that it was due to him that she was still breathing. She hadn't decided yet to be grateful or disappointed about that. Dumbledore had told her about the prophecy that had been made about the child with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord. Surely, if Severus was a Death Eater, he knew of the prophecy as well. She paused in her search. What if he had saved her only to take the child from her to deliver him back to his master. Her stomach rolled violently. No, he was her friend…he had saved them both…hadn't he?

Dumbledore had been there last night as well, or at least she had a vague recollection of his presence. It could explain the lavish bedchamber she found herself in…it was fitting of a Hogwarts Headmaster. She half-way stumbled her way across the room and braced herself against the doorway. Dumbledore was seated behind his desk speaking with Remus and Severus.

"Where's Harry?"

All three of them jumped to their feet. She couldn't tell if it was because she had startled them with her presence or the sharpness of the question. It didn't matter. She wanted to know where her son was. How dare they take him away from her when she had just lost…so much. She couldn't even bear to think his name at the moment.

"He's with his godfather at the moment," Dumbledore said gently, placing a hand on her arm. It wasn't the hand she wanted to be comforted by and she shook it off.

"Where?"

"They're touring around the castle," Remus answered her timidly. She knew he wouldn't be the one to betray them. He was too grateful for their acceptance of him and his condition. How many times had she told James it was Peter they needed to watch. It was Peter…

"We know," Dumbledore said. Lily looked at him in confusion. "We know it was Peter," he elaborated. "Severus told us."

Severus…She looked over at him and was surprised she was staring at a man. The last time she had seen him was on the train after their seventh year was completed. He hadn't said anything to her, not even a good bye. He had remained frozen in her mind as a seventeen year old boy and she hadn't even given thought to the fact that he had matured just as she had. Grief was so plainly etched on his pale, almost gray face and it infuriated her. He hated James in life and it seemed so highly inappropriate for him to grieve him in death. She could feel the hard set lines of anger settle on her face and her childhood friend must have noticed as well. He made two steps in her direction and stretched out his hand towards her. She slapped it away.

"Stay away from me!" she snapped. A part of her regretted the harshness she had just shown her savior but another part felt an odd sense of pleasure from seeing the hurt play across his pale features. He had a taste what she was feeling at the moment, and as perversely as it sounded, it made her happy for a very brief amount of time. She leaned against the side of the doorway and slowly slide down the smooth stone until she was seated on the ground, her legs pulled up underneath her. Breathing had become hard and she was trying to gulp in air. She rested her cheek against the cool stone and was surprised to find the coolness had given way to wetness in a few seconds. All she could think about was this is not how fairy tales were suppose to end.

* * *

A huge thank you to my reviewers! It means so much to me to get a review in my inbox! Thank you for your encouragement! 


	4. Unexpected Moves

Author's Note: Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the wonderful reviews! You all have been such an immense encouragement! You have no idea how much a review means to me and to get so many positive ones...well...it just overwhelmes me. So thank you so much all of you!

**Chapter Four: Unexpected Moves**

Sirius found he couldn't take walking the halls of the school. Every time he turned the corner, more memories assaulted him, each one more painful than the last. Even though Harry was just over a year he seemed to pick up on his godfather's mood. Since they had left the Headmaster's office, the baby had been so quiet. Sirius glanced down at him and realized why there was so much lack of sound: Harry had his mouth around the wooden base of Dumbledore's instrument, happily chewing away on it. Figuring Dumbledore didn't mind the kid banging it on his desk, Sirius allowed him to keep gnawing at it.

Students started changing classes and with a jolt he realized that school was still in session. It was, after all, only November first. He looked down at all young faces that passed him. Some of the girls giggled and pointed at Harry, who had taken the thing out of his mouth and was shrieking with laughter at the bustle around him. None of the faces showed any sign of the knowledge that the wizarding world had lost one it's best wizards last night. That Lily had lost a husband, Harry had lost a father and he, Sirius, lost a man that he considered a brother.

He scoffed at the idea. Brother. They had been closer than brothers. Regulus had never been much of a sibling to him. Sure, when they were growing up they did "brotherly" things together but when they went to Hogwarts and Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor and Regulus into Slytherin, their blood relationship deteriorated over night. They had been enemies by the end of the first week and it only went downhill from there. No, James was closer to him than his blood brother.

"Hey, did you see the look on his face when I nailed him with the bat bogey hex?"

Sirius turned around quickly to see two boys, their heads bent together and laughing. His heart lurched painfully in his chest as they passed by him, off to their next class completely unaware that five years ago it would have been him and James that were having that conversation before heading off to charms. Suddenly the mass of students became overwhelming and he had to find a quiet place.

He was only two floors down from the troll tapestry. If memory served correctly, there was a practically unused hallway that led to a back stairwell. He started down the hallway only to find others had made the discovery as well but it wasn't nearly as crowded as the main hallway. By the time he had reached the tapestry, only the student's voices were left to torment him. He tried to blocked them out and paced three times in front to the tapestry.

"I need a quiet place. I need a quiet place. I need a quiet place."

He watched the doorknob appear and had his hand on it before the door had even fully formed. Keeping Harry close to him, he wrenched the door open and slammed it shut quickly behind him. The room was small and not very brightly lit. Instead of having a chair, there was a large pillow on the floor so he could sit there and let Harry wander around the room. It had even produced some toys for Harry to play with and the lower portion of the walls were padded with thick red cushions.

Setting Harry down on the floor, Sirius dropped onto the cushion. After they decided how best to hide Lily and Harry, he had to help organize the funeral. Lily wouldn't be up to it and he wanted to take as much weight off her as possible. She would probably fight him every step of the way but he wouldn't mind it this time. In fact, he would welcome it. Anything to see that she still had some fight left in her after this.

Harry said a whole string of baby talk words and Sirius looked down to see the boy was sitting up and pointing at him with a very serious look on his face. He looked uncannily like James and Sirius rubbed his chest in hope it would stop the hurt he felt there.

"What's the matter, buddy? You alright?"

He blew him a raspberry and grinned.

Sirius rubbed his forehead tiredly. He didn't know how in the world he could fill James' shoes. He had never met someone that he was ever serious about, let alone have the desire to settle down with a family. He always had this image of himself being in his thirties and still partying hard. And that image usually had James in it as well.

Harry reached for something that was caught under the cushion. Sirius watched as Harry pulled out a small, golden ball. He turned it over in his chubby hand, a look of absolute wonderment on his young face. After a few seconds of observation, he held it up to Sirius and gave him another baby language sentence.

"This," he said, pulling Harry onto his lap, "is called a golden snitch. It's the most important ball in a game called Quidditch."

Harry looked at it again and then tried to shove the whole thing in his mouth. Thankfully, he wasn't able to get his lips half way around the ball. Sirius laughed at the antics and found himself telling the one year old all about Quidditch and how it's played. He knew Harry couldn't understand a word he was saying but the talking felt good. It made him calmer and the pain he was feeling was beginning to lessen. He had told Harry every single rule, position and foul he could think of but he still felt the need to speak.

"You remember that position I told you about earlier, the Chaser?"

Harry looked up at him with bright green eyes and fascination written all over his face.

"You're Dad was the Gryffindor Chaser here. He was great, even won the Quidditch Cup for us one year."

Harry waved the snitch around, squealing with laughter. Sirius smiled at the child's antics and the hollowness in his chest was starting to become bearable. The best way he could be a godfather to Harry was to make sure he grew up knowing everything there was to know about his father.

"I'm thinking you may want to be a seeker."

* * *

Severus stared at the food on the plate. Dumbledore had told him and Lupin to go eat something while he spoke with Lily. Severus wasn't too keen on letting Lily out of his sight at the moment, even if it was with Dumbledore. He chanced a glance up at Lupin and found the other man hadn't touched anything on his plate either. They were the only ones in the Great Hall, sitting off in the farthest corner of the room. Incidentally, it happened to be the Gryffindor table which didn't bother Severus as much as the silence that surrounded them.

"So," he said, breaking the quiet, "why didn't they make you secret keeper? Was it because you are a werewolf?"

Lupin regarded him with wary blue eyes. Apparently, after a moment's consideration, he realized he had nothing to lose by answering. "James and Lily knew that someone was passing information to Voldemort. Out of all us, I was the one with the most to gain from siding with him since most werewolves are. We never thought it would be Peter." He picked up his glass of pumpkin juice and regarded him very seriously. "What brought you to Godric's Hollow last night?"

Well, Lupin was honest with him and if he wanted any chance to be around Lily for any amount of time, he had to make nice with her friends. "I knew that the Dark Lord would go there last night. I had already told Dumbledore, which is why they chose a secret keeper anyway. I was tired of relying on other people to do what…"

"You should have done in the first place."

Severus thought it was a challenge and was going to rise to it but Lupin held up his hand in weariness.

"I didn't mean it that way, Severus. Look, the fact that you showed up last night and rescued Lily and Harry proves your intentions to me. I think we'll get much farther if we agree to put the past behind us and work together for Lily's sake."

"What about Black?"

"He'll be more…difficult. But, if you really are on our side, I'll agree to act as a buffer between you two whenever I can."

Severus sat back on the bench and crossed his arms. "Like how you did back at school? Turning a blind eye to all those hexes and jinxes?" He watched a flicker of annoyance, and possible regret, cross Lupin's face and he immediately regretted what he had said. Lupin had just offered an olive branch to him and he ended up snapping it in half. This really wasn't the way he wanted to continue his life. "I'll try to stay out of Black's way. And I am on your side."

"You love her, don't you? That's why you told Dumbledore about the prophecy and showed up last night."

Severus picked up the napkin that had been delivered with the food and pulled at a couple of the strings. Admitting to loving a woman for over ten years less than twenty-four hours after her husband's death seemed slightly incriminating. Was that what Lupin was implying? He loved Lily so much he was the one who killed James, or at least orchestrated it?

"I'm sorry," Lupin said, "that was too personal. But I do have one last question for you. If you had arrived before Voldemort, would you have saved James as well?"

It was a good question, one that hadn't crossed his mind since James was already dead when he got there. But Lupin posed a very interesting situation. If he had a choice to save James then there really was only one answer.

"Yes, I would have."

Lupin's eyebrows raised in surprised. "I thought you hated him?"

"I did and I was under the impression the feeling was mutual."

"Then why would you save him?"

Severus threw the napkin down on the table and stood up. "Because she loved him." Before Lupin could respond, Severus made sure he was out the door of the Great Hall. Thankfully, Lupin didn't follow him and without anyone being around him, he headed back up to Dumbledore's office. He wasn't too sure what any of the teachers here would do to him if they found him wandering the halls. As far as they were all concerned, he was still in the employ of Voldemort. However, he didn't make it all the way up to Dumbledore's office as the Headmaster himself, followed by Black came hurrying up to him.

"Have you seen Lily?" Dumbledore asked and Severus felt like hexing the old man right there.

"Of course I haven't seen her. You were supposed to be with her."

Dumbledore had the decency to look abashed. "She said she was hungry and wanted to come down here to get something."

"Where's Harry? She wouldn't go anywhere without him." Severus asked.

Black answered. "I gave him back to her. She said she was going to change him before coming down here to eat."

No, no, no, no. This could not be happening. How could she do this to him after he risked life and limb to save her and her son? He had revealed himself to Voldemort as a traitor and was wanted by the Ministry for being a Death Eater and wanted by the Death Eaters for being a supporter of Dumbledore. And his thanks…the woman he loved and risked everything for disappeared from underneath their noses.

* * *

Thankfully all she had was one bag to carry around. She had no idea who had gone back Godric's Hollow and grabbed some of Harry's things but she was grateful to that person. Just as she was grateful to Severus for saving both their lives. She only hoped they would understand. She didn't want to be the cause of anyone else's death. She just needed time to think, to plan and figure out what to do now. So she went to the last place that anyone would expect her to go, herself included.

She was amazed at how all the houses seemed to look the same. The lawns were all cut the same way and even the flower beds were extremely similar to each other. The monotony was very hard to ignore and she wondered how anyone could possibly live in a place like this and not lose their mind. However, this was probably a good thing for her right now. The absolute routine of things…no surprises. She counted the numbers as she passed by them, more to keep her own sanity than anything.

"Seven…six…five…four."

She stood in front of the house that was marked as 4 Privet Drive. The car was gone from the driveway and she hoped that it was just her brother-in-law that was gone from the house. If he was, it would make this much more bearable. Taking a deep breath, she pulled Harry closer to her and walked up the drive. It took a couple more deep breaths before she could ring the doorbell. After a few seconds, the lock on the door unlatched. Her sister peered around the corner of the door, shock and a slight touch horror on her face.

"Tuney, may I come in? Please?"

She looked nervously up and down the street. "Why? What for?"

"I just need to stay for a couple days, that's all T-Tuney."

Her sister's face hardened. "That freak of a boy you married left you?"

Lily shook her head. "He's d-dead. He was killed last night. I just need a place to stay until after…after the funeral."

Petunia's eyes widened in fear. "If he was killed for being…whatever you call yourselves, I don't want you near me. I will not have you put my family's lives in danger. I have a child to think about as well."

"It's not like that. They don't know about you, Tuney. They won't come looking for me here. It'll only be for a few days anyway."

Petunia looked at a loss but finally, grudgingly opened the door. Lily breathed a sigh of relief and stepped into the house. Petunia shut the door sharply and relocked it. Lily turned to give her sister a hug but Petunia brushed right past her, muttering under her breath, "Vernon isn't going to like this."


	5. Lost and Found

Author's Note: Can I just say how completely blown away I am by your reviews! There are just so many wonderful reviews and my gratefulness to all of you is just so immense! Take joy in knowing that you have made this little writer extremely happy! Thank you!

**Chapter Five: Lost and Found **

Despite her assurances to Petunia, Lily knew she was endangering her sister's family. Anywhere she went and whoever she was with would be in danger. All she needed was to get through dinner, put Harry to bed and she could say she was retiring early. Vernon and Petunia would probably prefer it that way.

Petunia had been right when she said that Vernon would not be pleased with her presence in his home. She did her best blend into the décor of the home. She tried once to pick up Dudley, having never properly seen her nephew, only to have him snatched away from her from an incensed Vernon muttering about how he didn't want his son contaminated by her kind. Perhaps this wasn't going to be the best plan.

She watched her sister very carefully through dinner. They only had one high chair for their son so Lily was forced to keep Harry on her lap and feed him peas and potatoes that she had mashed herself on her plate. Thankfully, he seemed to pick up on the tense feeling around the table and ate every spoonful she gave him, despite his normal distaste for peas. It was either that or he was just trying to out eat his cousin, who opened his mouth for anything that was on a utensil. By the end of the meal, Harry had eaten more than she had. She had no appetite, everything she put in her mouth tasted like ash.

Petunia reached in front of her and picked up Lily's half finished plate of food. Lily looked up at her sister's face to find her staring down at Harry, not Lily. Harry gave his aunt a bashful, sly smile and the corner of Petunia's mouth quirked up before she quickly hid it again. Perhaps her original plan would work after all.

"Do you want some help, Tuney?"

"No, that's alright."

"Now, Petunia," Vernon spoke up, "if she wants to stay with us for awhile, let her do some work around here."

Petunia looked like she was caught between a rock and a hard place and Lily took pity on her. Standing up, she handed Harry over to her sister. "Here, Tuney, why don't you get to know your nephew a little while I clean up." Petunia still looked distressed so when Lily traded the dirty dishes for Harry, she whispered, "No magic. Promise." Apparently that was all Petunia wanted from her.

Washing dishes by hand was actually very calming for her. She took her time, relishing in the steady rhythm of washing, rinsing and drying. Every now and then, she glanced up to watch her sister and son sitting at the table. Petunia had picked up a discarded rattle of Dudley's and was waving in front of Harry who was laughing and reaching for it. Apparently, Vernon said something to her because when Lily looked up again, Petunia was staring off into space while Harry was trying to figure out what was so interesting that had suddenly stopped playtime. When the dishes were all dried and stacked up so Petunia could put them back properly, she went to retrieve her son.

"I think I'll turn in, then," she told her sister. Petunia nodded curtly but said nothing more to her. She gave a nod to Vernon who dutifully ignored her. As she walked up the stairs to the guest room they allowed her to use she realized that she couldn't leave Harry here with her sister. Petunia may treat him like her own but Vernon most certainly would not. The last thing she wanted to was to disrupt what Petunia thought was a well balanced marriage.

She quietly gathered up Harry's things, and grabbed a shirt and sweater from her sister's closet. The days were getting colder and she had left Hogwarts with just a light weight shirt and jeans. As she made her way back down the stairs, she heard the murmur of adult voices and the screaming of Dudley.

"But Diddy, it's bedtime," Petunia was trying to say but was drowned out by the wailing. Using the noise level as cover, Lily slipped out of the house and back into the night. She had to find a suitable home for Harry. She thought by hiding him in the muggle community, she could continue with the fight against Voldemort and return for him when it was once again safe. But where to place him was proving to be more problematic.

* * *

Severus sneezed for the seventh time and earned himself more annoyed looks from the muggles in the library. He had stopped trying to apologize after the third one but the dust from the old newspapers was playing havoc with his sinuses. Dumbledore had told him it was a possibility that Lily would seek out her sister at this time. The slight issue however, was Petunia had been married and they didn't know her married name. So here he sat, flipping through various newspapers searching for a wedding announcement. Five hours later, he stumbled upon it.

"Petunia Annabel Evans marries Vernon Charles Dursley-" Severus snapped the binder shut without reading anymore. Thankful for having completing his task, he headed out into the brisk night and took a breath of the clean air. There was a phone booth right out outside the library steps, complete with a number listing. There were times when he despised the fact that he had a muggle father and other times, like this one, that he was grateful for that kind of exposure. When he opened the book to the D's, thankfully there was only one V. Dursley listed. The address was 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging which placed it in Surrey. When he left the phone booth, he glanced around the area before ducking into a back alley to apparate. He knew Surrey well enough to get in the vicinity without splinching himself.

When he reappeared, he was certain he had splinched himself. He was standing in the middle of a playground. The swings were swaying slightly in the November breeze and the merry-go-round creaked as it revolved. Once his eyes became adjusted to lack of light, he realized that this was not the playground near Spinner's End. Once his heart returned to it's normal pace, he crossed the park and squeezed his way between a row of houses. He found the street sign, Magnolia Road.

He started down the sidewalk, pulling his overcoat closer to his body. He had to shed his robes for clothes that would allow him to blend in with the muggles. Sirius and Remus had been sent to place the Longbottom family into protective custody before starting to comb through the wizarding community looking for Lily. Since Severus had experience, somewhat, with muggles, he was sent into the non-magical world to look for her.

He passed by Magnolia Crescent and opted for turning down a road called Wisteria Walk. And that was when he saw her walking right at him. Not wanting to frighten her off, he tried to stay hidden in the shadows but when she came within ten feet of him, she stopped dead and drew her wand.

"Who's there?"

"It's just me," he stepped into the dim lamplight, hands held up to show he was unarmed.

Her wand lowered but she didn't advance towards him and he was too afraid of her disappearing again so he just waited. He knew he couldn't wait for too long as Voldemort was most likely looking for her and Harry as well. And him, he thought after a mental grimace. Standing out in the middle of a muggle street was not the best option but his fear of having her slip away again rooted him to the spot.

She took a couple of small steps toward him. "Why are you here?"

"I was looking for you." He could tell Harry was sound asleep, resting his head on her shoulder, thumb in his mouth.

"Why?" she repeated.

He would have thought that was obvious by now. Why would he risk his life to save her and Harry in the first place? Why would he side with the good guys after being permanently branded with the Dark Mark? Why was he willing to put up with his childhood bullies just so he could have five minutes alone with her for the sole purpose of looking at her with no interruptions? Because he loved her the best he knew how but speaking the words caused more fear to run through him than any time he had gone before Voldemort. Like always, he came up with an alternate excuse.

"Dumbledore was very worried about you and Harry's disappearance. Black and Lupin are out looking for you too."

Her face suddenly hardened and she brushed past him, quickly making her way down the street. "You should've just let me go."

Severus had to jog to catch up with her. "Dumbledore is offering you safety, he's wanting you to stay in the castle. Hogwarts is the best protected building in all the wizarding world."

"And what will I do at Hogwarts, Sev? Sit in the common room and wait until the war is over? Until Harry is old enough to go fight in it instead of me?"

"I…I don't know what Dumbledore has planned exactly but I'm sure-"

"It'll work?" she finished bitterly. "He was the one who told James and me to go into hiding. He was the one who told us to use a secret keeper. A lot of good that did us."

He wanted to tell her it wasn't Dumbledore's fault that their secret keeper was a turncoat but he figured now was not the time to argue the fact. He opened his mouth to plead his case further but a searing pain shot through his left arm. He had managed to stifle a shocked shout into a slow hiss of pain as he pressed his left forearm against his chest.

Lily finally slowed in her fast pace walk and looked over at him. "What is it?"

"I…I don't know." He could see revulsion with a twinge of compassion on her face and he felt even guiltier over his past actions than before.

"Doesn't the Dark Mark hurt when he summons you?"

Even though she had tried to keep the repulsion out of her voice, he could still hear it clearly. "Yes, but this is different. It's more intense than when he just summons us." And it was still burning. Something was wrong. Thankfully, Lily must have noticed as he saw her draw her wand and he watched as silver stag bound down the street and disappear. Thankfully the pain in his arm overshadowed the pain in his heart at seeing the silver stag.

"We, uh, we should head back to the castle," he said, still rubbing his arm. "I don't like this."

Lily looked unsure. "I just sent word to Dumbledore about your Mark. Why don't you go back?"

"And what exactly are you going to do?" The words had come out harsher than he intended.

She looked around the street, whether she was trying to come up with a plan or was trying to her alter an already laid out plan, he didn't know. Thankfully, she wearily relented. "Fine. We'll go back."

Relief wasn't a strong enough word for what he felt. "We can apparate from the park."

"Alright."

He led the way towards the playground area which wasn't that far. He wondered if he should offer to carry Harry for her, but she had such a protective hold on her son that he figured it would be best to leave things as they were. The playground came into sight and they quickly made their way across the grass. He wished they had some time to reminisce, remind her of happier times and how he had remained her friend despite some foolish decisions. The mark on his arm burned again, angrier this time. It was as if the mark itself knew of his switched allegiance and was now turning on him.

"Sev? Are you alright?"

He tried to nod his head and smile but the pain was starting to bring tears to his eyes. "It hurts…more than I've ever felt before. It's not just a summons."

Before she could question what else it could be, a series of pops and cracks echoed across the neatly trimmed grass of the play area. Before Severus could even draw his wand, they were surrounded by a group of ten robed figures. Lily had stepped closer to him, he could feel her brushing against his arm and shoulder. One of the figures stepped forward and in the dim lamplight, he could see the skull mask of a Death Eater.

"The Dark Lord is very wise," the cold, sneering voice of Lucius Malfoy issued from behind the mask. "These marks are not just for summoning, Severus, but for finding as well."

* * *

I am evil...I know. It's a sad thing. ;-) 


	6. Loyalty

To my reviewers: You guys rock! I love you all! I really hope I don't end up disappointing any of you. Thank you!

**Chapter Six: Loyalty**

"Apparate, Lily," Severus hissed.

"No."

Lucius was walking a wide a circle around them. "Go ahead and try to apparate, Mrs. Potter. You'll find that we've put this park under an Anti-Disapparition Jinx. We'll give you time to think of a plan."

One of the other Death Eater's leaned towards his nearest neighbor. "I thought we were waiting for the Dark Lord?"

"Silence!" Lucius bellowed.

While his former allies were busy facing Lucius' wrath, Severus reached behind him until he had hold of Harry's small foot. He cast the protego spell that he had modified which offered the child an extra level of protection. He wished he could do the same for Lily but he had only mastered small objects or small areas of the body. If he and Lily were going to survive, they needed to get away before Voldemort arrived. Before any idea of escape could form, Lily leaned towards him.

"Grab my shirt."

With his free hand, he found a wrinkle in her shirt and clutched it. As soon as he did, a startling flash of light erupted from the tip of her wand and he felt her start to move. She must have had her eyes closed when she cast the charm as he had to run to keep up with her. The Death Eaters were shouting and trying to flounder their way around in the night after the flash of light. Shouts of "stop them" echoed around them but Lily was dodging and weaving through masses that were starting to take shape. If his eyesight was starting to come back then that meant-

Something hit him directly in the middle of the back and he let go of Lily, not wanting to bring her down with him. When he hit the ground, it knocked the wind out of him and he saw Lily's feet stop and turned around. He had to cough to get enough air in his lungs so his voice would work.

"Go," he rasped out but like always, she didn't listen and tried to get him back on his feet with her wand in one hand and Harry in the other. For her sake, he lurched to his feet only to find the circle of Death Eaters had closed ranks again. Not wanting to go through the trouble of chasing them again, ropes came flying at them from Malfoy's wand. Severus saw them coming and pushed Lily back down with him, feeling the ropes pass over them. He was certain that was the only thing they would be able to dodge that night. Then, a miracle happened.

More cracks and pops reverberated around them and Severus looked up to see dark shapes moving from the street and entering the park. At first, he was afraid it was Voldemort and more Death Eaters but then flashes of light started to connect with the Death Eaters. Once they neared, he could make out the faces of Black, Lupin and the battle scarred Auror Alastor Moody. Keeping a firm hold on Lily and trying to act as a shield, he pushed her through the break in the circle and towards the cavalry.

"You have to go back," he told her. "You have to go back to Hogwarts."

"He's right," Lupin said. "Dumbledore's waiting for you at the gates."

She looked from Lupin back to Severus, and he saw the defiance in her face.

"Think of Harry, then," Severus challenged, "if not yourself." She relented with a scowl and he kept acting as shield till she had passed out of the confines of the park. She gave him a pleading look before she disappeared. Turning around, he headed back into the fray. The first pair of duelers he saw was Black and Malfoy. Severus sent a disarming spell zooming over Black's head and it grazed Malfoy's shoulder. It was just enough of an opening for Black to hit Malfoy with a forcible spell that knocked Malfoy to the ground and the man didn't get up. Black saw it was Severus who came to his help but neither man acknowledged the action at the time but moved off in separate directions into the fight.

* * *

"You're sure that they will come back here?"

Lily heard Dumbledore bite back a sigh of frustration. It had been the fifth time that she had asked him that question, but it had been twenty minutes since she had appeared. "Yes, I'm certain." They were standing at the main entrance of the school, waiting for the arrival of the Order members that had come to her and Severus' rescue. Minerva had offered to take Harry and put him to bed for her while she waited for everyone to return. She was worried that one of the Order members hadn't been informed of Severus' change of heart and accidentally hurt him in the ensuing battle. There were suddenly many cracks that broke the quiet of the night and she immediately stepped forward but Dumbledore stepped in front of her, his wand raised.

"Identify yourself."

It was Remus who appeared first. He looked tired and was terribly out of breath. "My name is Remus John Lupin, I'm a werewolf. You planted the Whomping Willow on the school grounds so the passageway to the Shrieking Shack would be hidden."

Dumbledore lowered his wand. "Any casualties?"

Remus shook his head. "Not this time. But I'm afraid Poppy is going to have her work cut out for her tonight."

Lily pushed her way past Dumbledore. She was about to ask who was hurt when Sirius, sporting a cut across his forehead, and Frank Longbottom appeared through the darkness carrying a tangle of black fabric. They rushed past her but not before she caught sight of Severus' deathly pale face. She started to follow after them but Remus stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

"Let Poppy have a go at him before you see him."

Dumbledore started to walk back up to the school and Remus and Lily kept stride with him. "What happened, Remus?"

"There were a total of ten Death Eaters. We tried to capture as many as possible but we had to leave them all behind when Voldemort showed up. Apparently, he took Severus' defection quite personally."

"I was afraid of that," Dumbledore said.

"What happened to him?" Lily asked. It had barely been twenty-fours since James was killed, she wasn't certain she could take another death so soon, especially that of a friend.

Remus shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. "I don't rightly know. We saw Voldemort appear and Moody called a fall back. We went to the street to apparate and when I turned around, all I saw was…" he trailed off and cast a worried look at Lily. She nodded for him to continue. "I just saw a lot of blood and then Severus fell. Voldemort had his wand pointed at him."

"And you did a side along apparation?" Lily asked.

"No, actually. Sirius was closest to him and he was the one that did the side along apparation."

"Really?" Dumbledore looked as shocked as Lily felt.

"Other than some minor scrapes," Remus continued, "we all escaped in fair condition. Moody went back to the Ministry to report the incident."

"I thought you and Sirius were to put the Longbottoms into hiding?" Dumbledore asked.

Remus let out a short laugh. "You know Frank. Alice and Neville are hidden. Frank heard we were summoned to Surrey and came with us."

The rest of the walk up to the castle was silent and all Lily wanted to do was see for herself that Sirius, Remus and Severus were all safe and in good health. She tried to block out all the negative images that were freely flowing through her mind. Once they reached the castle, the walk to the hospital wing was excruciatingly long. Remus waited with her while Dumbledore disappeared behind a privacy curtain that been erected around one of the far beds.

"Are you alright?"

Lily looked over Remus in surprise. "I wasn't even there fighting."

"Not just the attack, I meant how are you doing altogether?"

She hadn't really had time to think too much of how she felt. Quite frankly, she didn't really want to stop long enough to think about it. She was essentially a single mother now, with a child that could possess the power to destroy one of the darkest wizards history has seen. Her best friend, who she had given up as lost, had suddenly had a change of heart at great expense to himself. Everything seemed like it had turned upside down and only she had remained right side up.

Dumbledore reappeared and walked towards them, a serious look on his face. "Poppy is trying to heal up the wound that Voldemort made. It appears nothing more than a large gash but since it was made by dark magic, she's having a hard time closing it. Until she can find a way, she is administering blood replenishing potions. He appears out of mortal danger at the moment, but Poppy has made it very clear that he needs rest."

"I want to see him," Lily blurted.

Dumbledore laid a hand on her shoulder. "Perhaps you should rest and come back tomorrow morning."

"No, I want to see him. I need to make sure…" and her voice failed her. She tried to form more words, they needed to know that she couldn't lose anyone again. Dumbledore handed her a handkerchief. She hadn't even realized she was crying…again.

"Hey, no reason to cry."

She looked up to see Sirius strutting towards her, a tired smile on his face. He pointed up to his forehead where a six inch strip of new skin was formed.

"See," he said, "Poppy patched me up in nothing flat. Won't even leave a scar so I don't have to worry about it taking away my good looks."

Lily wanted to smack his arm for his arrogance but she remembered that he was the one that brought Severus back to them. "Why?" she managed to croak out. "Why did you save him?"

Sirius' attempt at being cocky faded into a more sullen look. "I knew you would seriously hurt me if I left him there."

"I would have."

"Why?" Annoyance played over his features. "What do you care what happens to old Snivellus?"

This time, Lily did hit him on his arm. "Don't call him that! He risked his life for me and Harry, twice now!"

"Oh, and we," he motioned to Remus and himself, "haven't?"

"I think what Lily is trying to say," Dumbledore interjected, "is that it is best to think of Severus as on our side now. And we should treat him with the same respect that we treat each other."

"How do we know he's on our side?" Sirius challenged. "He could be faking, playing spy."

"I don't think you buy into that belief."

Sirius crossed his arms. "What makes you say that?"

Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled. "You wouldn't have saved him tonight if you didn't think he was fighting for us."

While Dumbledore and Sirius were discussing Severus' loyalties, Lily slipped away from the group and behind the privacy screen. Severus was laying on his stomach, Poppy leaning over his bare, bloodied back. She looked up briefly to notice Lily's arrival but didn't say anything about it.

"He's very fortunate the spell hit his back and not his arm."

Lily frowned and pushed back some of his hair from his washed out face. He practically blended in with the pristine white sheets. "Why is that?"

Poppy gave her a very serious look. "It would have taken it off. I'm not certain I can heal it. The curse that did this is nothing but dark magic."

"May I sit with him?"

"For a few minutes, I suppose. I gave him a very strong sleeping potion, so he won't be waking up for a while."

Lily summoned a chair and pulled it up close to the bed. She had lost both Severus and James but for some reason, fate had given her back Severus. She wasn't about to lose him again.


	7. Scars

Author's Note: I love you guys...I hope you all know that. Just a quick note though, techwiz asked a good question, why wasn't Voldemort destroyed in this time as well? The answer is this: Snape saved Lily and Harry before Voldemort had a chance to kill them. It was Lily's life sacrifice that created the protective charm that caused the killing curse to backfire. Since he had not yet killed Lily, he did not try to kill Harry. Hence, Voldemort is alive and well in this story.

Also, the words in italics are a flashback. With that said, on to the next chapter!

**Chapter Seven: Scars**

_I watch the morning dawn upon your skin  
A splinter in the light  
It caught and frayed the very heart of us  
It's been hiding there inside for all this time  
How a sure thing winds up just like this  
Clockwork silence only knows_

_-Now or Never by Josh Groban_

He couldn't tell if it was the throbbing of his cranium or the violent rolling of his stomach that drove sleep away from him. Either way, it meant he was awake and his entire back felt on fire. Voldemort…now he remembered. The Dark Lord must have taken his defection extremely personally as he had used Severus' own spell on him, knowing that it would not kill him. Voldemort most likely had hoped that the Order wouldn't take him back with them, leaving him in the street to bleed out. He could still hear that high, cold voice practically whispering "sectumsempra" and then feeling his back explode in white hot pain.

Severus forced his eyes open and the first thing he saw was Lily, curled up in a chair and sound asleep. He felt like weeping, she had survived yet another attack. Sleep had smoothed out the lines of grief on her face and the early morning light lit up her skin to a golden glow. He had to close his eyes again, it hurt too much to look at her. Especially since the last time he was in the hospital wing, laying on his stomach was because of her. The fear of having her see those scars only made his stomach churn even more.

_He had returned to the Slytherin dungeons with a heavy heart. He had tried his best to apologize to her but she had refused. He wondered if he would ever find redemption for speaking that one, horrible word in a moment of weakness. If she didn't provide it for him then he knew redemption would never come. It was a fate he deserved. Anger tinged the remorse, however. By calling her a "mudblood" (he shuddered at the thought of the word) he had effectively severed all ties to her which meant he may as well have handed her over to Potter on a sliver platter. No, gold, he thought with a smile. Gold would look much better with her hair. _

_"You've been out late," a voice sneered. _

_Severus stopped in his tracks, all pleasant images of Lily fleeing from his mind. He had made it to his dorm room but had failed to notice that all the lamps were still burning strong and there were a few more people in the room than normal. Lucius, now in his seventh year, was standing by Severus' bed, arms crossed and scowling. Mulciber, Avery, Knott, Grabbe and Goyle had all taken up stances that effectively blocked his escape from the room. He forced down the panic that had risen in his chest. _

_"I was studying late," he lied. _

_"Not a likely story," Avery accused. "Bellatrix Black saw you up by Gryffindor Tower tonight." _

_Severus gave Mulciber his best sneer. "Better not let Rodolphus hear about that. His fears of losing her to a Gryffindor may be proved." _

_"She was following you," Lucius confirmed. "She heard you apologize to that filthy mudblood. I told her, no, you couldn't have heard him right. This is Severus we're talking about. But she said otherwise." _

_Avery snorted. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said in a high-pitched voice, "I never meant to call you Mudblood." _

_Lucius sighed wearily. "Bellatrix doesn't like you. I would not put lying about this conversation past her. So tell me, Severus," he put his hands on Severus' bony shoulders. "Were you apologizing to the mudblood?" _

_Severus paused, trying to come up with a suitable excuse. But he was tired and Lily's rejection cut deeper than anything that these people could do to him. In fact, he wanted them to do their worst. He wanted to feel physical pain that would equal the pain he felt inside. So he sealed his fate that night with three simple words, "She's my friend." _

_Lucius' face fell, as if he was saddened by this announcement but his gray eyes gleamed with the appreciation of inflicting harm, even if it was on a fellow death eater to be. "Well, I'm afraid she's not your friend anymore." _

_They didn't even use magic on him, just fists. It was supposed to be the ultimate insult, a show that what he had done wasn't worth the effort of using magic. Among the Death Eaters, it was the worst form of punishment possible. And he didn't fight it at all, instead, he welcomed it. _

_He didn't know how long they punished him but he did know when it ended. He never found out if it was on purpose or the result of an over achiever when it came to violence. Someone had grabbed him from behind and hurled him across the room. Instead of having a fellow housemate stop his trajectory, the full length mirror was what stopped him. His initial impact shattered the glass, his bounce back against the wall drove the shards into his back before he hit the floor. _

_Apparently, everyone thought that the punishment was over and those who slept in the room, readied themselves for bed. Lucius had returned to his own dorm room, followed by Grabbe and Goyle. When the lamps were extinguished, he tried to stand up but couldn't. He could feel some of the shards move as he tried to stand up and the pain was just too great. So he dug his fingertips into the grooves of the stone floor and drug himself across the room. He was able to make it as far as the common room before his arms gave out on him. _

_"Severus?" _

_He prayed to anyone who was listening that the female voice he heard was not Bellatrix Black. Thankfully, someone was listening. Narcissa Black's fine featured face entered his view. She was Slytherin's Head Girl so the fact that she was in the common room so late at night was not out of the ordinary. _

_"Oh, Severus," she sighed wearily. "I heard Bella mouthing off but I thought for certain she was wrong." _

_He tried to laugh derisively but it came out as a pained groan. He was relieved it was Narcissa. He had discovered last year that she was a metamorphagus, the same as her sister Andromeda. She wanted it kept a secret, trying to preserve the thought that she had inherited all the breathtakingly good looks. She didn't want anyone finding out she had a little help. He had dutifully kept that secret which meant she should help him now. _

_"If you could," he gasped, "just get rid of the large shards. I should be able to stand up after that." _

_"How about I levitate you to the hospital wing?" _

_He laid his sweaty cheek against the cool stone floor. "That sounds fine too." _

Madame Pomfrey had tried everything to reduce the scarring but he had laid on the floor with the shards in his back for so long that even dittany didn't get rid of all the scars. When Pomfrey had asked him how this happened, he claimed he tripped over a robe that had been left on the floor and stumbled into the mirror. He knew she didn't believe him but she didn't press him for a truthful answer. He slowly opened his eyes again and saw Lily staring at him. How he wished he could have seen that the last time he was in this position.

"Morning," she said quietly.

He had to clear his throat before he could speak, even then it came out hoarse. "Morning."

Lily stood up from her chair and judging from the way the light glinted off her red hair, it was still early morning. "Can I get you anything, Sev?"

Just seeing her was enough for him but asking her to stand there all day wasn't a plausible idea so he shook his head. Her face, now animated, looked pinched and she frowned slightly. She always looked like that whenever she had bad news. She had that look that night in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Sev," she reached out her hand to touch him but then she withdrew it again. "Sev, Poppy can't close the wound."

Of course she couldn't. He was the only one that knew counter curse and judging from where his back was hurting, he wasn't able to heal himself. He tried to push himself up but couldn't. He did figure out why she withdrew her hand from his vicinity: he wasn't wearing a shirt. Either it was his scarring or just him in general that repulsed her and a stab of hurt hit him in his heart that was stronger than what he was feeling on his back.

"I can tell you the counter curse."

Those brilliant greens eyes widened and she whipped out her wand. "Tell me what I need to do."

He repeated the string of words, all of them Latin based, that together translated to "with love and care, mend together." She repeated the words over and over until she memorized them and when she felt comfortable with them, she raised her wand and pointed it over the wound.

"Wait!"

She lowered her wand slightly. "What? What's the matter?"

"You, uh, you need to sing the words."

"Sing them? To what tune?"

He didn't know really. When he had used it to heal the wounds that he inflicted on himself, the tune had come as he said the words. He wasn't sure if she needed to use the same tune or if the healing came with a unique song of the witch or wizard who was using the spell. He came to the conclusion the song should be unique. "You'll know it when you say the words."

She nodded thoughtfully and began waving her wand over the wound, repeating the words he had just taught her. At first nothing happened, but then he heard the song start to lace itself through the words and a strong warmth began to flood his torso. Lily's song was lulling him back to sleep though he tried fighting it. In the end, he lost and a restful sleep overtook him.

* * *

Lily couldn't describe the relief she felt when she saw the skin starting to knit itself back together. It only took three more incantations before the long gash had completely sealed. However, it left a long white scar that ran from his shoulder blade, across the center of his back and ended above his hip. She wondered if there was any way to heal the scar but she couldn't come up with anymore spells for that purpose. Perhaps Poppy knew of something. As she was studying the new scar, she noticed the many smaller scars. They were faded, telling her they were older but there was so many of them. She wanted to touched them but she knew he would interrupt her touch the wrong way. That was why she had stopped herself from touching him before.

"How did you heal that?"

Lily turned around to see a very surprised Poppy. "He told me the incantation to heal the wound." And Lily told the Hogwarts nurse what it was and how she managed to accomplish it. Poppy retrieved a large, leather bound book and quickly jotted down the counter curse for future reference.

"Poppy, do you know how he got these scars?"

The old woman pulled the blankets over now the sleeping man and led Lily away from the bed. "He told me he tripped on a discarded robe that was left on the floor and fell into a mirror. He had so many shards of glass embedded in his back. I never believed him but I didn't press him for any more details."

"Why not?"

"I was more concerned by his demeanor that night. He seemed more sullen that usually, like he had given up. I assumed he had done it to himself. It was the last day of OWLS. You would be surprised at how many students allow the pressure of exams to get to them."

Lily stopped dead in her tracks. OWLS, that was their fifth year. The last day of those tests had been their falling out. According to Poppy, he had come to the hospital wing after he had come to Gryffindor Tower. What if he had done that to himself after she refused to accept his apology? The thought frightened her to no end, that he would be capable of doing such a thing to himself. But what if someone had done it to him because his apology attempt had gotten back to…his Slytherin friends. She felt as if someone had dumped ten gallons of ice water over her head.

"There's Mommy!"

She turned to the entrance of the hospital wing and saw Sirius walking towards her, a smiling Harry in his arms. Once he caught sight of her, Harry broke into a delighted grin and clapped his hands together. She forced the thought of Severus being beaten till he was scarred on her account from her mind as she took her delighted son into her arms.

"Did you sleep at all?" Sirius asked.

She shrugged. "A little."

He looked over her shoulder and a morbidly curious look came over his face. "How is he?"

She felt a flash of anger at Sirius, knowing of the bullying that he and James had put Severus through, both the times she knew about and the ones she didn't. But then she thought of James. No matter what he had done in the past, he didn't deserve the death he had suffered. The emotions that raged through her at the moment seemed so very paradoxical and a sense of weariness settled over her.

"He's fine, Sirius. He'll be fine."

"And how are you?"

"Tired. Do you think Dumbledore-"

"Top floor of the Gryffindor Tower is set up for us. Go, get some sleep. I'll keep Harry if you want."

"No," she pulled Harry closer to her. "I want him with me. I just want…" but she found she couldn't finish the sentence. She wanted James back, alive and well. She wanted Voldemort vanquished and peace back in the wizarding community. She wanted to erase Severus' past, all of it, and rewrite a happier one for him. But none of those things were possible.


	8. Unforeseen Forgiveness

Author's Note: I know this is probably getting old, but I have been extremely blown away by the reviews! You all have no idea how much a review means to me...well, maybe you do and that's why the chapter's are getting written so quickly! I don't want to let you all (and the story) down. So an extremely big thank you to everyone!

**Chapter Eight: Unforeseen Forgiveness**

They buried James Potter on November third under the cover of night. Thankfully, he had been released from the hospital wing that morning and now hid in the shadow of the small white church. Dumbledore had told him of the burial that night, but Severus had politely declined the offer. He wouldn't have been going out of respect for James but rather to give support to Lily, which he doubted Black would allow. The man may have brought him from Surrey to Hogwarts but Black made it very obvious that was the extent of the kindness. But it didn't stop him from doing what he does best: watching from the shadows.

Lily's face was white and pinched. She had left Harry back at Hogwarts, realizing she would be out in the open and vulnerable at this time. Black was looking uncharacteristically serious, hands shoved in his pockets and staring blankly at the fresh mound of dirt. Lupin had his head hung, his longish hair obscuring his face. Dumbledore's low voice murmured indistinguishable words and Severus wondered what wonderful things they were saying about the deceased man. He wondered what would he have to say about James Potter if they gave him the chance?

"He lies James Potter," he whispered to himself. "A man who's sole purpose was to make my life miserable, probably because he never knew what real misery looked like. Pity he couldn't see me on the day of his wedding, the perfect picture of misery. You would think I would be happy to see this day come," he paused in his eulogy. The truth really did hurt. "But I'm not. I wanted to know what made him change that last year. What he did that I didn't to win over Lily. And why he was the one that had everything I ever wanted. Why is that in life either you have everything or you lack it?"

It really was pointless now. Any changes that James had made were a moot point at the moment. No matter how much he had matured and grown, his life was still taken. Severus wondered if James and he switched places, who would standing over his grave? What would they have to say? Would his past crimes and bad decisions be wiped cleaned in lieu of his death? Was death what it took to permanently remove the stains of past mistakes?

A dim light flickered through the stained glass window and effectively removed his cover of darkness. He moved over to the leafless tree and tried to use to dark bark to blend in with. He looked over to the gravesite and found that Lily was the only one that was there. Dumbledore, Black and Lupin had completely disappeared and he wondered if all three or just one person was inside the church now, hence the lighting of the candles that lit up the windows with their uneven, flickering light. He was unsure of what to do now, stay hidden and watch over her or reveal his presence. Unfortunately, the decision was made for him.

Jet of red light momentarily lit up the graveyard, reflected a thousand times over in the shiny surfaces of the headstones. Due to how the light was refracted, it was difficult to tell where it came from. When the spots of light cleared from his eyes, Severus saw Lily was lying prone next to the freshly dug grave. Drawing his wand and all thoughts of remaining hidden gone his mind, he ran through the headstones to her side. He laid two fingers against her neck and found a strong pulse beating up against his fingertips. Thankfully, she was only stunned and even moved slightly. Groaning, she opened her eyes and looked up at him in confusion.

"Sev?"

"Stay down," he was still scanning the dark, trying to find where the initial stunning spell came from. He didn't a chance to pinpoint the location of the attacker as a series of spells bounced off the headstones and gouged the ground around them. Lily was still disoriented and he tried to pick her up with one hand while still holding his wand at the ready. He felt the tip of a wand dig into the back of his skull.

"Lookie what I found among the dead."

A cold cackle sent shivers down his spine which was something that only one person was capable of doing to do him: Bellatrix Lestrange.

"How appropriate," she crooned. "For you to be found with dead things." Then she caught sight of Lily. "And with your mudblood. That is just precious."

Before Bellatrix could taunt him anymore, she fell to the ground with a flash of light and a thud.

"I hate that woman."

Severus let out a startled laugh. Lily had been conscious through the whole thing. While Bellatrix was taunting him, Lily had raised her wand and nailed Bellatrix with a strong stunning spell. "Are you alright?"

She stood up with his help and brushed off her robes. Her eyes focused on the grave and any reply she had for him was forgotten.

"Come on," he said, taking her elbow, "let's get out of the open."

"Get away from her!"

Severus tried to turn towards the new voice that shouted across the graveyard, only to be hit with a stinging hex that knocked him back a few steps. A low headstone caught him behind the knees and he toppled over the marker, hitting the marble base with his shoulder. The pain from the impact of the fall dispelled the stinging hex.

"STOP IT!"

Severus was on his feet in seconds, alarmed at the sound of Lily's voice. He couldn't remember ever hearing that kind of frustration, fury and tears come from her lips. And if he heard it and it was enough to stop Black in his tracks, then surely if Bellatrix had brought back up then they would have heard it as well.

"I really think we need to leave," Severus urged.

"We'll leave when she's good and ready!" Black shouted back, his wand still griped in his hand.

Severus was about to reply when Black stumbled over the fallen Bellatrix.

"What the-" Black moved the body slightly and Severus watched as realization then fury crept over his face. "Bring a little friend along with you tonight, Snivelly?"

"Sirius-"

But Black cut across Lily's weary statement. "I should have known better. You were probably waiting for this moment from the start."

"You can finish your charming train of thought back at Hogwarts," Severus stated. Black could rip him up one side and down the other for all he cared, as long as they all got out of the graveyard. "We really need to leave."

"Is that so? Let me guess, you'll take Lily with you and hand her over to Voldemort yourself!"

"Are you out of your mind?"

"Yes, I am!" Black roared. "I was out of my mind when I brought you back from Surrey!"

"Then why did you do that, Black?" Severus knew he had pushed Black to his limit so an answer would come to his question.

"Frank Longbottom told me to. If he had kept his mouth shut I would have left you there. The perfect demise for someone like you, I think."

"STOP IT!" Lily screamed out again. She fell to her knees beside the mound of dirt and laid both hands on top of the fresh dirt. Her shoulders started shaking and she began to knead the loose dirt with her hands. "You don't know…you don't know how he regretted…so many times…blamed himself…"

Black looked just as confused as Severus. They didn't have any time to contemplate what exactly Lily was saying as Bellatrix started to move. Black quickly stepped over her and knelt down beside Lily, taking hold of her shoulders.

"We'll come back, Lil. No worries." They both disappeared with a crack but just as he was about to apparate himself, Bellatrix hit him with another stunning spell. Unfortunately, it was just enough to knock his wand from his hand and land him back on the ground. Forcing air back in his lungs, he lunged for his wand but Bellatrix's booted foot slammed down on it, snapping it in two. The point of her wand was digging into his throat again.

"The Dark Lord misses you, Severus."

"Does he now?"

She licked her thin lips in anticipation. "He's been looking for you more than the brat from the prophecy." She grabbed a hold of him in a vice like grip, her fingernails painfully digging into his arm. "Ready to go home? We have a party waiting for you." And he felt them apparate before he had a chance to break away.

* * *

Dumbledore heard the shouting before McGonagall came hurrying into his office, white faced and frightened looking.

"Albus, something's happened."

"What, Minerva?"

"I don't know. Sirius Black showed up at the front gates with Lily Potter in hysterics. I can't understand a word she saying."

Before he could respond, the door to his office flew open with force and Lily stumbled her way into the office, Sirius right on her heels.

"Professor, they've got him!" Lily slammed her hands down on his desk. Her eyes were red rimmed and she looked half mad. "We have to find him!"

Dumbledore stood up from his desk. "Who? Remus?"

Sirius shook his. "No, Moony went home shortly after you came back here."

"Then who?"

Sirius frowned. "Snape."

"Severus," Dumbledore looked over at Minerva. "I thought he was going to stay here?"

"I'll go check with Horace," McGonagall said before leaving the room.

"Professor, please," Lily begged. "We have to find him."

"I've tried to tell her that he was there to turn us all over to Voldemort. When I came out of the church, he's out there, manhandling her with Bellatrix Lestrange!"

Lily looked like she was two seconds away from pulling her hair out. "He was not 'manhandling' me. Bellatrix stunned me and he came to my defense…again. I'm afraid after Sirius and I came back, Bellatrix came to and overpowered him. Please, sir, he must have told you something about where Voldemort is. If she takes him back there, they'll kill him."

Dumbledore tugged on his beard thoughtfully. "I have no doubt about that. He told me that Voldemort has many bases of operation and I've had some of our members checking into those places but they haven't found anything concrete. Though…"

"What?" Lily asked.

Dumbledore picked up his wand and a silver phoenix burst from the tip and flew out the window. "I have a suspicion as to where they could be located. Once we hear back, I'll gather as many as we can and go to Severus' aid."

"You're joking, right?" Sirius asked. "We're going to risk our lives for him? We're already outnumbered five to one! Why put our numbers in more danger of falling?"

"Frank told me, Sirius." Dumbledore said, gently leading Lily to a chair by the fire. "He told me the real reason why you brought Severus back. That he told you to because he couldn't reach him in time."

"I trust Frank, alright? I've found that listening to him in a tight spot usually gets me out of it but I think he's way off on this. Snape has always been up to his eyeballs in Dark Arts and with his little sleazy group of friends, all of which, may I point out, have ended up in Voldemort's service. You yourself wanted to use him as a spy so who's to say that Voldemort didn't have the idea first."

Dumbledore peered at Sirius. "Why do you hate him so much?" Thankfully, the comment brought Sirius up short so Dumbledore continued. "I know you and James thought it was great sport to bully him, something I neglected to put a stop to."

"Why?" Lily's question was so quiet she had to repeat. "Why did you never intervene?"

"I foolishly thought that it was merely school boy rivalry."

"It was," Sirius said.

"Sending him down the Whomping Willow passageway to meet a fully transformed werewolf was not a childish prank, Sirius," Dumbledore corrected.

"Then why didn't you punish me for it?"

Dumbledore took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "If I did, I ran the risk of exposing Remus. I was hoping at that point, James would have the mind to pull you back from the viciousness of the pranks."

"Did you ever speak with Madame Pomfrey?" Lily asked.

"She came to me with some concerns when he came to the hospital wing with various injuries but when I questioned him, he remained stubbornly tight lipped. I have often wondered, if I had intervened on his behalf perhaps he would have joined the Order instead of the Death Eaters."

"I knew him," Lily said, staring into the fire. "I knew what his home life was like. I knew his insecurities. I got so angry with him and when he tried to make a wrong right again, I turned him away. James backed off hexing him when he caught me crying in an empty classroom at the end of our sixth year. I told him that even though I disagreed with Sev's group of friends, he would always be my friend. I told James everything that summer and he backed off jinxing Sev for my sake."

Sirius' head turned to her direction. "Is that what you meant back at the graveyard? About him regretting and blaming himself? That was James?"

Lily miserably nodded her head. "There was that battle we had with the Death Eaters shortly after James and I were married. Severus' hood came off in the battle and I just remember the shock and hurt at seeing him like that. I told James later on how it made me feel to fight a person I considered a friend." Lily studied her hands. "I wasn't sure if he was just trying to make me feel better or if he really meant it, but James said he regretted the things that he had done to Severus. He too wondered if he had gone easier on Sev, perhaps he wouldn't have driven him closer to his pack of Slytherin friends."

Sirius snorted. "Like they were going to be bosom buddies."

"They didn't need to be," Lily snapped.

A silver lion bounded through the office window and spoke in Mad Eye Moody's voice. "You were right, Albus. They're in Little Hangleton."


	9. Rise of the Phoenix

**Chapter Nine: Rise of the Phoenix**

_Let me fall_

_If I fall_

_Though the phoenix may_

_Or may not rise._

…

_Someone I am_

_Is waiting for my courage_

_The one I want _

_The one I will become_

_Will catch me._

_So let me fall_

_If I must fall_

_I won't heed your warnings_

_I won't hear them_

_-Let Me Fall, Josh Groban_

He wanted to die. The pain was beginning to be unbearable, but that wasn't why he wanted it all to end. He was tired of being disappointed. The people he had turned to for acceptance in school now all stood around him, laughing and jeering at his suffering. Voldemort had handed him over to anyone that had been in school with him, which pretty much consisted of all the Death Eaters. It could have been an hour or three days, he didn't know, but finally it stopped.

Severus took those few minutes of reprieve to take assessment of his condition. They had taken his black top coat, tearing it apart looking for his wand. By the time Bellatrix had presented the broken pieces to Voldemort, the coat had been shredded. His white dress shirt was wet and sticky with a mixture of blood and sweat. He had bit his tongue during one of the bouts of the cruciatus curse and he could taste the coppery tang of blood in his mouth. Nothing felt broken, yet.

There was a seductive brush against his mind and he quickly blocked out the pain he was feeling and increased the strength of his mental shields. He had seen on countless occasions what a skilled legilimens could do when they gained access to their victim's mind. He had been guilty of that himself, under the false impression that if he didn't physically harm someone but rather turned their mind against them, then he would be absolved of the crime. But what he had done had been much crueler than if he had physically killed them.

"Severus," the cold, high voice of Voldemort sounded almost soothing. "You know that I understand weakness. All of us have a weakness. I do not hold that against you."

There was that subtle brush against his mental defenses again. He curled himself into a fetal position. His peers had their shot at him, now Voldemort himself was about to deliver his own punishment. He couldn't understand why his survival instinct was still working. He was ready to welcome death now. He had served his purpose, he saved Lily and her child. There was no reason for him to continue breathing. But he would like to see her again…one last time. He wanted to see her eyes…

"If you choose to return to our ranks," Voldemort said, "you will suffer punishment. Understanding weakness in one thing, allowing it is another. But your return must be genuine."

He felt himself being rolled over on his back. Voldemort's pale, snake-like face stared down at him. Those cold, scarlet eyes bore into his and he completely emptied himself of emotion before dropping his mental shields. Voldemort's mind raced through his but found nothing. No remorse, no resistance and no desire to join one side or the other. Voldemort must have realized what Severus was doing as the slit like nostrils flared open.

"Very well," Voldemort hissed. "Crucio!"

As the pain crashed over him again and again, he wondered how long it would take until it drowned him and his sanity left him once and for all. He hoped it wouldn't be long.

* * *

The Hanged Man Pub had some interesting clientele that early morning. Thankfully, most of the customers were falling down drunk and being sent on their way home in the pre-dawn light as various members of the Order of the Phoenix gathered in one of the dark corners. Dumbledore was pleased to see that a good amount of the Order had shown by the time he arrived with Sirius and Lily.

He had begged and pleaded with her to stay at Hogwarts. He assured her that there would be more than enough Order members that were going to be available. However, once Lily had something in her head, no one could talk her out of it. The barkeep told him that they would be closing soon and Dumbledore nodded, assuring him that this was a meeting spot and they would all be leaving soon.

Moody had positioned himself directly in the corner, his magical eye swirling all the over the place. He gave Dumbledore a curt nod, the perimeter of the bar was protected at the moment. Lupin, looking tired, made his way over to Sirius and Dumbledore heard a brief exchange of dialogue between the two men.

"I honestly didn't expect you to show," Lupin said quietly.

"Well," Sirius responded, "it's more of an anti-Voldemort thing than a pro-Snape."

Dumbledore figured that was the best he could hope for at the moment. Frank Longbottom was present, and came to Lily's side. He caught Alice's name a couple times and saw a small smile touched Lily's face. Gideon and Fabian Prewett were speaking with Marlene McKinnon. The door to the pub opened and Dorcas Meadows and Edgar Bones entered as well. It was a gathering of the best. Minerva and Hagrid were told to stay back at the school in case something went wrong tonight.

"I took the liberty of looking around the property, Albus," Moody said. "There looks to be a entrance into the kitchens round back of the house. There was one, possibly two Death Eaters guarding it."

"And protective spells?"

"Just the regular muggle repulsion spells. " Moody grunted. "He's arrogant as the day is long."

"To our advantage," Dumbledore replied. "How do you think it best to approach the house, Alastor?"

"There's a graveyard, near the side and back of the property. We use the statues and headstones as cover, knock out the two guards and enter the kitchens. The house is large and sprawling, that will work to our disadvantage. However, the lights are brightest in what looks to be the downstairs drawing room. If they have Snape, they're probably using him as entertainment."

"Which is why we must hurry."

"It's true then?" Gideon spoke up. "He really is on our side?"

"Yes." Lily's firm answer was convincing enough for those gathered, except for Sirius. Dumbledore nodded and the pall of battle settled over the group. Silently, they left the pub and walked around the perimeter of the property. Dumbledore could see the shadows of the headstones on the side of the hill. Since Moody had already surveyed the house and surrounding areas, Dumbledore allowed him to take the lead. Just as he had said in the pub, he stepped quietly and surely through the grave markers. Dumbledore glanced behind him and saw the entire group, wands clutched in their hands, moving between the stones like a fleet of black cloaked ghosts. This was a formidable group of witches and wizards.

There was a flash of light and Moody gave Dumbledore a thumbs up. "Way's clear, Albus."

* * *

Severus didn't know how many times he had been hit with the cruciatus curse. He could tell the difference between when the other Death Eater's used it on him and when Voldemort himself used it. The pain was finer, more intense…a tangible element to the Dark Lord's hatred and derision. No matter how many times he willed his heart to stop beating, his lungs to stop drawing in air, they continued to function. Dumbledore would not risk his meager numbers to save him. He was marked as a Death Eater and the Headmaster of Hogwarts had no reason to believe in his desire to change sides now. There was no hope of being rescued despite his body's stubborn refusal to stop functioning.

"You're right in thinking that, Severus." Voldemort's cold, high voice seemed to surround him, coming at him in every direction. "There is no hope for you now. As I told you before, weakness I understand and will grant forgiveness in due time. Betrayal is unforgivable."

Another shock of pain ripped through his body. He ground his teeth together, refusing to give the onlookers the satisfaction of hearing him scream. He was surprised he hadn't cracked a tooth yet. The waves of pain were being to ebb when another crashed over him. His mind was starting to get that fuzzy feeling around the corners and he prayed this was going to be the end.

Shouts and flashes of light assault his senses but he didn't have the strength to investigate further. Someone shouted "Dumbledore!" and that was enough to rouse him enough to focus on what was going on around him. Opening the only eye that hadn't swollen shut, he saw Dumbledore dueling Bellatrix, his face deep in quiet concentration and his robes whipping around him. Lupin passed through his view as well.

Was he hallucinating? Had the Order really come to his rescue? The rise of hope was enough to get him off the floor. He didn't have his wand but as he watched Moody disarm Lucius Malfoy, Severus dove for the wand. Snatching the ebony stick from the thick Persian carpet, he aimed a strong stunning spell at Malfoy. He watched in pleasure at the shock that played over Malfoy's pale features before the spell knocked him into the wall and he crumpled to the ground in an unconscious heap. He felt someone yank him up to his feet by the back of his blood soaked shirt.

"Alright then, Snape?" one of the Prewett brothers said. Severus nodded curtly, his mind still trying to wrap itself around the fact that the Order had come to his rescue. He scanned the room to find that Voldemort was no where to be seen, among the fighters or the unconscious. Apparently, the other Death Eaters were following their leader's hasty exit. It didn't take long for the room to clear and quiet. Some of the Order had cuts and bruises on them, but the only ones he saw on the floor were his one time allies.

"Sev!"

He turned to see Lily stepping over Avery and the exhaustion he felt finally caught up with him. He was relieved to see her unharmed from the battle, but the pain from all the curses and hexes finally took their toll. His salvation had arrived and his knees gave out in light of that realization. He was dimly aware of Lily catching him under the arms and lowering him to floor so he didn't fall. She had turned her face away from him, no doubt calling for help.

"Lily…" he managed to get out.

She glanced down before looking away again.

"Lily," he repeated. "Look…at…me."

Finally she did and he stared up at the green eyes he loved so much till the darkness overtook him.


	10. The Bridge

**Author's Note: **Okay, first, as you can tell, I like songs and lyrics. I listen to a lot of music when I write and the songs I use in the stories are songs that I've been listening to while I write. I know it's sad but I actually have a "soundtrack" for this story. sigh I need a life, I know. Second, I actually introduce an original character in this chapter but please, have no fear! She will be in this chapter and the next and will quietly go back into the recesses of my mind. Well, maybe. Anyway, she won't play that pivotal of a role to the story. With that said...may I present the next chapter!

**Chapter Ten: The Bridge**

_When times get rough_

_And friends just can't be found_

…

_I will comfort you_

_I'll take your part_

_When darkness comes _

_And pain is all around_

_Like a bridge over troubled water_

_I will lay me down._

_-Bridge Over Troubled Water, by Paul Simon_

Deirdre Cafferty had studied under a great American witch that had been named the best legilimens of the age. Unfortunately, her teacher was too old and too full of other people's memories to be of any use anymore. Deirdre had been her one and final student in the obscure art of legilimency. Receiving her basic education at Hogwarts, in the same year as Snape ironically enough, she went back to her own country to be trained as an Auror but when her gift became apparent she was then trained as a legilimens interrogator. The American Magical Association claimed it was due to her skills that Voldemort failed in his attempt to plant Death Eaters across the pond.

Dumbledore had contacted her two days ago with an urgent request and begged her to come as soon as possible. She finished the case she was working on and passed off her paperwork to her partner before taking the international floo network directly to Dumbledore's office. He had cleared the connection with the British Ministry of Magic which meant he cleared her presence with them as well.

Apparently, he and his Order of the Phoenix rescued Snape, a reformed Death Eater according to Dumbledore, but Voldemort had already broken through Snape's mental shields shortly before they had gotten there and had a field day with the memories. They had thought he was fine as he participated partly in the fight but Voldemort's flight had not been far enough for the connection to be broken. Essentially, Severus Snape was trapped in a never ending nightmare.

Deirdre walked the halls of St. Mungo's with unease. She never was one for hospitals. There was too much fear, anxiety and grief. When people suffer through those types of emotions their mental barriers are nonexistent. It took most of her concentration to keep her mental barriers in place so the desperate thoughts didn't take over her own. She was going to need all the control she could muster. From the hurried research she did, there had been no account of a "mental surgery" done with legilimency. She wasn't sure it was even possible.

They kept him in a closed ward, most likely to give her quiet. There were only two people sitting by the bed, both looked vaguely familiar to her. They were from Hogwarts but three years had turned them all from bright eyed eighteen year olds to war worn twenty-one year olds. Three years…

"I'm sure you remember Lily Evans and Remus Lupin," Dumbledore introduced.

"Vaguely," Deirdre replied. "Gryffindor, right?"

The red headed woman nodded her head seriously.

"Cafferty?" Remus asked. "Ravenclaw?"

Deirdre nodded and tucked a strand of black hair behind her ear.

"I think we should all wait outside," Dumbledore said quietly. "I'm sure Miss Cafferty will need all her concentration."

_"And a truck load of luck," _she thought to herself. The three filed silently out of the room and Deirdre pulled up a chair close to the bed. Even though Evans and Lupin had changed just enough for her to guess their identities, she would have known Severus Snape anywhere. He looked like he had only grown half way into his lanky frame but his nose and hair made him unmistakable. Although he didn't appear in any physical distress, she could see his pulse beating rapidly beneath his almost transparent skin. His breathing was almost a constant ebb and flow of rapid breaths followed by shallower ones. There really was no worse prison than that of your own mind.

She couldn't establish eye contact but she found if she had a physical connection with the person it worked just as well. She took one of his long fingered hands into hers and was surprised at how ice cold they were. She moved herself into a comfortable position in her chair and closed her eyes. She concentrated on his pulse, feeling her own heart slow down and speed up till they were in synch. When she probed his mental shields she found the sizable breach that Voldemort had torn. Even that was going to be difficult to repair.

It was like walking through a rose bush. Every turn she took in his mind pricked, scratched and dug into her psyche from mild irritation to absolute agony. Dumbledore wasn't sugar coating the severity of damage that had been done to Severus' mind. She only hoped she had what it took to put it all back together. It seemed there were certain memories that were pieced together and put on a loop, merely repeating themselves over and over again. The feeling of watching the reel of memories was that of looking into a pensieve.

The first memory she saw was of a hook nosed man screaming at a dark haired woman. The man had taken off his belt and was using it as a make shift whip.

"You told me he wasn't going to be like you!" he was screaming.

If this was Severus' memory then he had to be around here somewhere. Deirdre looked around the small kitchen and finally caught sight of him: about seven years old, peering around the doorway that lead into the sitting room of the small house. Tears were running down his even then thin face. She reached out to touch him when the scene dissolved.

It must have been the same day only later on as Severus hadn't changed in looks at all. She was looking at a darkened bedroom, the woman she had seen on the receiving end of a beating was curled up on a small bed, crying quietly. The frightened and horribly repentant emotion that Severus was feeling during that time permeated Deirdre's psychic self. The boy crossed the creaky floorboards of the house towards the bed.

"Mum?" His voice was so quiet and timid. He reached the side of the bed and laid a hand on his mother's bruised arm. "Mum? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry-"

Deirdre watched as his mother turned over to look at him. She didn't say a word, she didn't have to. With great pain etched in her pale face, she gently but firmly pushed him away from her. Deirdre could tell his mother was sparing him the sight of her bruised face but feeling the same emotions as Severus, he took it as her rejection of him, his abilities and his apology.

The scene shifted into a flurry of scenes, some of which she had been present for as well. Various pranks and hexes he found himself on the losing end flashed in front of her, as well as that horrible day at the lake during their fifth year. She even saw her fifteen year old self, standing stone faced through the entire event. She had forgotten just how horrible James Potter and Sirius Black could be.

Everything changed again and she found herself back in the small, run down house where she had seen his parents before. Severus was grown now, around nineteen from the looks of it. He had his arms crossed and a deep scowl on his face as he stared down at the inebriated, bleary eyed waste of man sitting at the small kitchen table.

"What do you want?" he asked harshly.

The other man, who Deirdre recognized as his father, looked like he had aged fifty years. His hair had gone gray and his face was worn and lined, typical of an alcoholic. When he spoke, his words were slurred. There was an empty whiskey bottle on the table.

"I'm sorry."

Severus' black eyes narrowed. "For what?"

"I never meant to hit her."

The anger was roiling off of Severus in waves. She didn't even need to be part of his emotions to know what he was feeling.

"If that's all," Severus turned to leave when the old man reached out and grabbed the black cloak.

"It was an accident." Severus' father fell to his knees. "It was only an accident."

Severus ripped the material from the old man's hands. "What was an accident?"

The man's features hardened. "She knew we couldn't afford it…a broom," he laughed with derision. "Brooms don't cost fifty pounds…I hit her and I didn't mean…"

"Didn't mean what?"

The disgust evaporated as he covered his face with his hands. "She fell…hit her head…"

Deirdre's realization came at the same time as Severus'. She felt the guilt, shock and horror wash over him all at once. His mother's life ended because she wanted to buy him a broom. The anger mounted and she turned away as a flash of green light lit up the room. When she opened her eyes, Severus was sitting in a downpour of rain on a park bench. His sleeve was rolled up to reveal the Dark Mark that had been burned into his skin, water running in rivulets over the horrible marking. She saw his lips moving and leaned down to hear what he was saying.

"I really am one of them."

The rainy night faded and was replaced with a bright sunny day. Deirdre found herself in a tree looking down at a wedding. She looked again and realized the groom was James Potter and the bride was Lily Evans. It must have been the reception as the small group of people were whole heartedly enjoying themselves in the back yard of a quaint house. Why would Severus be interested in this?

She looked over at him, sprawled out amongst the branches and well hidden from the view of the guests. There was quiet, weary hungry look to his gaunt face as he watched Lily below him. Tears freely ran down his face and defeat was all he felt.

The loop of bad memories started again and Deirdre was looking at the beating of Severus' mother once more. Voldemort really did play havoc with Severus' mind. She had to find him, for he was there, locked up in the bad memories but she wasn't sure exactly how to go about finding him. The only way to get to him could possibly be through his former self. She blocked out the sickening sound of the belt connecting with his mother's skin and leaned down next to his crying seven year old persona.

"Hi, Severus."

He sniffled, glanced over at her before turning back to the scene.

"My name is Deirdre. I came to help you."

"I don't need your help."

"Why do you say that?"

The child version of himself took in a shuddering breath. "I don't deserve your help."

"That's not up to you to decide. I want to talk to you."

He turned wide, tear fill black eyes to her and pointed up the narrow staircase. She left him down there and climbed the stairs as quickly as she could. There were three doors in the second floor hallway and she went through the nearest one. It was a very drab, bare looking room. There was a single bed, a wardrobe and a small bookcase. On the small bed, a man in an oddly red colored shirt and black pants was lying with his back facing her.

"Severus?" she called, shutting the door to the bedroom. He made no movement. She walked around the side of the bed and saw that it was indeed the twenty-one year old Severus. She realized that the red shirt was not oddly colored but rather soaked with blood. His one eye was swollen shut and bruised, his lip was split. She didn't noticed the other wounds but sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Hey, Sev."

He turned to look at her. "What do you want?"

Apparently it was the nickname that got a response out of him so she decided to use it to her advantage. "I want to help you, Sev. But I need your input."

"Go away. You can't help me."

"Why not?"

"I deserve this."

"What makes you say that, Sev?"

He turned his head away from her, burying his face into the pillow. "Don't call me that."

"Who used to call you that?"

"Don't."

Deirdre sat there and thought about who could have called him that. His mother? Something told her that his mother wasn't fond of nicknames. Perhaps it was Lily Evans?

"Was it Lily?"

He sighed deeply, tiredly. He was very close to giving up now and she needed to reach him before he did.

"Sev, tell me about Lily. What was something you two did together?"

"Not enough," came his muffled answer.

"Show me," Deirdre urged. "Show something fun that you and Lily did together. Please?" She laid her hand on his arm and squeezed. "You must have one happy memory of her."

The bedroom started to change slightly but it faded back into the dull walls.

"I can't."

Deirdre climbed onto the small bed with him and wrapped her arms protectively around him. Voldemort's presence was no longer in his mind but the Dark Lord had effectively created a prison of misery for Severus. She hoped that by mentally wrapping herself around his wounded psyche, it would be enough for him to break the hold.

"Try again, Sev."

She felt his ice cold hands come up to grasp her wrists and slowly, heat came back the chilled skin. She closed her eyes and concentrated on blocking out the bad memories as they ripped and scratched at her mind. After a few minutes time, she heard the sound of a babbling brook and felt sunlight prickle her skin. Opening her eyes, she found Severus and herself laying on soft grass in a small clearing in the woods. Looking across the small stream she could see two children, one red haired and the other black headed and no more that eleven, stretched out on the grass. Looking over, she saw the adult Severus, watching the two of them with a contented smile. Without saying anything else, Deirdre quietly removed herself from Severus' mind.

* * *

Deirdre quietly shut the door behind her. Dumbledore, Remus and Lily all stood up, concern written on their faces. She gave them a shaky smile.

"He's sleeping now, hopefully peacefully. I don't know if it worked. If it did, that doesn't mean he won't need more help."

"What kind of help?" Remus asked.

"Counseling, I would suggest." Some of the images of Severus' childhood plagued her. She was going to need counseling.

"Would you be able to stay for a few days?" Dumbledore asked her. "You can stay at the school. Professor Flitwick is expecting you should you agree."

Deirdre nodded. "Of course I'll stay a few days." She turned towards Lily. "I was wondering if I could speak to you before I go to the school."

The redhead nodded. "Sure."

Deirdre knew of the small chapel that was two floors below them and she headed off towards there. It was quiet and secluded enough for what she had to discuss with Lily. She had a feeling that Severus' well-being may very well lie with this woman. Not to mention, she needed a few moments of peace to heal her own mental wounds.


	11. Picking Up the Pieces

**Author's Note: **Wow...you guys really don't like OC's. My apologies...If you can put up with Deirdre just one more chapter (this one) she will go away permantly, you have my word! I just couldn't think of another way to put Sev back to together, I mean, Dumbledore probably could have done it but shrugs Ah well...have no fear, no more OC's.

**Chapter Eleven: Picking Up Pieces**

Lily followed Deirdre down to the chapel. Even though she was interested in what the woman had to say, all she really wanted was to return to Hogwarts and spend time with her son. That was the only thing that brought her a semblance of comfort at this time. She didn't know where she would be or what kind of condition she would be in if Harry had been taken from her as well.

The chapel was just a small room with an alter and a few benches. The only light was a few candles that were lit at the front of the room. Lily filed into the third row of benches from the front with Deirdre and sat down wearily. She went to ask the woman what she wanted to talk about when Deirdre held up her hand.

"I'm sorry, but I really need some time to gather my thoughts."

"Was it really that bad?"

The American sighed and closed her eyes. "His mind or the damage that was done?"

Lily didn't specify either way but kept her silence. It didn't matter really. Either the harm inflicted was horrible or it was just his horrible memories from the past. Did Deirdre see Lily's callous refusal of Severus' apology? Did she see the countless pranks that the Marauder's had played on him? Or worse…did she catch a glimpse into his childhood? Lily always feared it was worse than what he let on when he told her about the latest fights between his parents.

Not having much else to do, Lily took the opportunity to sort through her own thoughts. She had now survived through almost five days without James. She hadn't slept much, but whenever she did it was from being too exhausted from crying. But Harry had lost a father, he didn't need to lose a mother as well. As far as Dumbledore could tell, Voldemort was still looking for Harry and Neville, determined to kill them both now. His efforts had only increased in the search now that he believed Severus was effectively as good as dead.

"Where's James?" Deirdre asked suddenly.

"He's dead." The words shocked her and left a bitter taste in her mouth. She had never spoken them before candidly before and it left her with a sharp pain in her chest. She started to shake uncontrollably and then the tears came afresh.

"Oh," Deirdre said, placing a comforting hand on Lily's shoulder. "I'm sorry. Dumbledore didn't tell me."

Before she could stop herself, Lily found the horrible tale of the prophecy, Voldemort's hunt for her and James, Peter's betrayal, Halloween night and everything else that had transpired in the last few days spilling out of her mouth. Every terrible detail that she spoke seemed to leave her heart that much cleaner. She wasn't sure if it was because this was the first time she actually spoke all the words or if having a stranger hear everything without being judgmental of any decisions or actions brought the comfort. When she felt even more drained than before, Lily wiped her eyes and sat up straighter in the pew.

"What did you want to talk to me about?"

Deirdre looked at her strangely before turning back to watch the guttering candles. "I didn't know what you've been through. I had no idea that this was all happening. Witches and wizards really are out of the loop in the States. As for what I wanted to talk to you about, it can wait. I'll tell Dumbledore instead."

Lily felt guilty for the relief that statement brought to her. "Will he be alright?"

The other woman seemed to pause before answering. "I believe so, yes."

Lily took little comfort from the answer but didn't say anymore on the matter. For the first time in last few days, the quiet was restful to her weary mind and frayed emotions. Thankfully, Deirdre seemed to realize this and silently excused herself from the chapel. When she heard the door close, Lily looked up at the small statue that stood at the very front and center of the room: Christ on the cross with Mary, his mother, kneeling at the foot.

Was that what was expected of her? Watch her son be sacrificed for the sake of the wizarding world and the destruction of the enemy? She wasn't sure she could do that. She would rather nail herself to a cross, take his place and bear through his suffering for him. If she couldn't do that, then suffer along side of him through the same fate. Maybe Mary was stronger than her and that was why God chose her to be Christ's mother. So why was she chose to be Harry's? To protect, suffer alongside or to take his place? She leaned forward, resting her forehead on the pew in front of her, praying she would know what to do when the time came and then have the strength to carry through with it.

* * *

Severus shifted uncomfortably in the chair. His wounds had healed just fine but his body was still sore from the beating he had taken. He was working with Dumbledore to reestablish the mental barriers that had been torn asunder by Voldemort and slowly, he was beginning to be able to regain his occulmency. What the Headmaster wanted with him in the middle of a school day he had no idea and judging from the calm way Dumbledore was reading through a book, it wasn't going to be too terribly important.

"Something on your mind, Severus?" the old man asked without looking up from his book.

"No, not really."

"You haven't stopped fidgeting since you've sat down." Dumbledore looked up and gazed at him over his half moon spectacles. There was a slight smile on his face.

Severus shrugged and looked out the window. He was still trying to come up with an answer when the sound of laughter interrupted his thoughts. The door to the office opened and the sound grew louder…and more familiar. Forgetting his sore muscles, he whipped his head around to see behind him. Professors Slughorn and Flitwick entered the office with Lily in tow. She was smiling, though a little forced, and it was like seeing the sun after weeks of rain.

"Ah, welcome," Dumbledore put down his book and conjured three more chairs in front of his desk. Slughorn took the chair next to Severus and gave him a hearty handshake.

"Severus, wonderful to see you again."

Severus mumbled a thank you to his former Head of House. Flitwick gave him a brief nod and Lily tossed him a little wave. He hadn't seen her in over a week, at least not this close up. He spent three days in St. Mungo's, and though he was assured by Lupin that Lily had been there from time to time it was not during times when he was awake. Now, he had spent five days at Hogwarts, wandering the grounds and reading in the library but had only caught glimpses of her as she passed through the hallways like a ghost.

"I have already discussed this arraignment with the Professors, who have agreed with hopes that you would accept as well," Dumbledore started.

Severus wasn't sure he liked the sounds of this.

"Professor Flitwick would be most appreciative if you," Dumbledore motioned to Lily, "would be up to teaching first and second years in charms. It would relieve him of some of his workload."

Lily nodded. "Of course. But, what of Harry?"

Dumbledore grinned, his blue eyes sparkling. "Hagrid has already volunteered his services. I believe he's becoming quite enamored with little Harry. I have the utmost faith in his abilities as babysitter whenever you need him to be."

A small smile graced her face again. "I have faith in him too. That would be fine then."

"And," Dumbledore turned in Severus' direction. All warmth he had regarded Lily with were gone and he gave Severus a look that dared him to disagree with what was about to be said. "Professor Slughorn would like your assistance in his potions classes. I'm sure you will remember that set up and clean up are quite time consuming. You be would doing Professor Slughorn a great service."

Too afraid to contradict the Headmaster, Severus nodded his head. "Yes, that sounds fine." If memory served, Lily was the one that made it into Slughorn's "Slug Club," not him. Though Slughorn never gave him the slightest hint of not liking him as a student or thinking he lacked talent in the potion field, he could pretty much guarantee that he was not Slughorn's first choice as an assistant. But how could he feel bad about being second best to Lily?

* * *

Dumbledore watched the two professors with their new classroom assistants leave his office. They would most likely be spending the rest of the afternoon re-learning their classrooms. He hoped this situation would prove to be successful. Other than coming right out and telling Lily exactly what Deirdre had said to him, this seemed the most prudent course of action. Still not quite trusting his decision, he pulled out his pensieve, wanting to double check the memory that was still floating in the stone bowl. When he fell into the bowl, he was back in St. Mungo's, Deirdre walking towards him with a pinched face.

"Where's Lupin?"

"Back with Severus. Where's Lily?"

Deirdre rubbed her forehead and narrowed her blue eyes. "You could have taken time to tell me more details of this situation."

"We didn't have time."

She crossed her arms. "There should have been enough time to tell me about the prophecy and that James Potter was killed."

"Many have died, Deirdre."

"But I needed to know who when I came. I almost put another burden on Lily Potter, one that I'm not sure she can handle right now."

"And what burden is that?"

Deirdre pinched the bridge of her nose. "There is a focusing strategy that my mentor taught me should someone turn my mind against me. You recall a very happy memory, a time of contentment and focus on that thought. By remembering every detail of that thought, it will break the cycle of negative memories that the attacker has used to surrounded your psyche. The memory that broke Voldemort's hold on Severus' mind was a memory that concerned Lily. She saved him mentally. You said he was a Death Eater?"

"Ex-Death Eater," Dumbledore corrected.

"I can't help him anymore now. His redemption, I believe, lies with Lily Potter."

"He loves her that much? Still?"

Deirdre's face was unreadable, even after three times of viewing of the memory. "I'll be reachable, no matter of the time. Tell Professor Flitwick I appreciate his offer of a place to stay but I'll return to America tonight."

And the memory ended and Dumbledore found himself back in his office. Deirdre had contacted him once, asking how Severus' was doing. His response was short but positive. He hoped that it would get better for Severus and Lily. He had placed them as teaching assistants in hope that they would use that common ground to help each other heal.

It was also a safety issue. Hogwarts was the best protected facility in the whole magical world. By giving Lily the opportunity to be useful to her old alma mater, he hoped she would stay here along with Harry until a better situation came available. Sirius had pleaded him with allow her to come live with him but he needed Sirius to move about for the Order. As for Severus, it was also a safety issue. Voldemort wouldn't dream of knocking on the Hogwarts' gates in search of his turncoat, not as long as Dumbledore were Headmaster.

He only hoped that by putting the two of them in close proximity, the friendship they once had would be reestablished and they could find forgiveness and the strength to move on. The possibility of having this situation backfire and the two of them would only isolate themselves in their pain loomed over situation as well. Not for the first time in his life, Albus Dumbledore had severe misgivings concerning his plan.


	12. Treasures in the Snow

**Author's Note: **Okay, first of all, I had to use another original character but I had good reason this time! From the research I did from the books and the Harry Potter Lexicon, the only Death Eaters that we know of were from the times of Tom Riddle's attendance as well as the years Snape was there. I'm sure that Slytherin would not have a drought of Death Eaters during the timeline of this story since Voldemort is still very much alive and well. My humblest apologies...

**Chapter Twelve: Treasures in the Snow**

It was the first week in December when the first snowfall blanketed the grounds of Hogwarts. No one thought that he enjoyed the varied seasons, but Severus did and spent as much time as he could outdoors despite his sallow coloring. If he had to pick a favorite time of year, it would have to be the winter. He wasn't too keen on the frigid temperatures, especially now that he was staying in the Slytherin dungeons once more. But there was the snow. He liked the idea of something white and pure that was able to cover the scars of the earth. Everyone said that spring was the time of renewal and rebirth but he always saw winter as the second chance for nature. Hopefully, this winter would prove to be his restoration.

Most of the students were in their last class of the day but all of them had finished potions for the week. He had heard some of the students talking about the start of the snowfall as they came in for the last potions class. Professor Slughorn must have noticed his impatience when the class was dismissed and excused him from cleaning up after the third years. He had stopped by his quarters, a makeshift prefect's room, to grab his wool cloak and scarf before heading outside.

True to the student's word, the snow was falling in fine, steady flakes. There was already two inches on the ground by the time he had made it outside. There were a handful of students, already done with their day of classes, having snowball fights or just enjoying the first significant snowfall of the season. He stayed as far as possible from the group, most of them were seventh year Slytherins. Unfortunately, he wasn't so lucky.

"Mr. Snape?"

He knew exactly who it was before he even turned around. Holly Avery was a cousin of one of his housemates and fellow Death Eaters. He had voiced concern to Dumbledore over her more than friendly manner towards him. She was most likely passing information back to her uncle but Dumbledore assured him he was safe on Hogwarts' grounds. Bracing himself for another conversation with the wily girl, he shoved his hands into his pockets and turned to face her.

"Miss Avery," he nodded and kept walking, hoping against all hope that she would take the hint that he didn't want to be bothered. She remained oblivious as she jogged through powdery snow to reach him.

"You always walk so fast," she said, her breath coming out in puffs of clouds. "Are you finished for the day then?"

"Unfortunately," he mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"Wonderful," she grinned. "So am I."

He had kept up his brisk walk, not at all what he had envisioned when he first heard of the weather conditions. Holly was a bright student, very gifted but very much anxious to graduate and join her uncle and parents in their support of Voldemort.

"I was hoping," she said since he wasn't instigating any type of conversation, "perhaps you could tutor me in potions?"

"Your marks are more than acceptable in potions."

She gave an exasperated sigh and rolled her round brown eyes. "My uncle spoke so highly of you and your intelligence. I didn't expect you to be this dense." She slide her arm through his.

"I don't think this is appropriate," he said, disentangling her arm from his. "I am still considered your teacher."

"Well, not for long. By June, I'll be of age. Severus?"

He thought of correcting her again but was weary of it. "What?"

Her face turned very serious. "May I see it? Your Dark Mark?"

"Absolutely not. It is not something I'm proud of anymore."

"Why not?"

Her fervor stopped him in his tracks. It surprised him but then again, it really shouldn't have. He was exactly the same way when he was her age. Being a Death Eater was placed on the same level as being a rock star or a powerful politician. Granted, he wanted to become one to gain power to protect someone he loved but Holly, she probably had no idea what she was going to get herself into. When he answered her, he stared her straight in the eyes.

"Being marked by another man is not a respectable thing. And that's what the Dark Lord does, he marks you as his own. You will never meet a more demanding, cruel master than him. My mark is a constant reminder that I am no longer my own person. Every time I see it all I feel is shame and regret. These are things you need to think about before you so willingly give yourself over to the Dark Lord."

She looked crestfallen at his words. "My uncle would brag about knowing you, being friends with you. He said you were sure to be the Dark Lord's most trusted servant, his right hand. When I told him you were here, he wanted me to tell you should you decide to return, you may."

He frowned deeply. Return only to a certain death. Considering how his last welcome was received, he doubted another would be so kind.

"Forgive me, Severus, for being so bold but," she stared the ground.

Color tinged her pale cheeks, from cold, embarrassment or both, he didn't know. "But what?"

"I would gain so much favor if you returned to the circle with me."

It was his turn to roll his eyes. "Did your Uncle happen to tell you what he did to me the last time I saw him?"

She shook her head.

"He used the cruciatus curse on me, multiple times as well as other hexes and curses. I believe he even got a few well aimed kicks to my rib cage but I couldn't be sure due to the blood I had lost from my other wounds." He looked down at her and saw fear, true fear in her eyes. "That is the type of person you must be gain access to the inner circle. So Holly, are you prepared to hurt, maim, kill, back stab and torture in order to have acceptance? I thought I was but I couldn't give up my soul for that."

"What would you give up your soul for then? What else is there besides power and prestige? Admiration and acceptance?"

All he could think of was Lily. He couldn't give up his soul to Voldemort because he had given it to Lily. Everything he was, everything he could be was connected to her, whether she knew it or not. "I would give up everything, even my life and my after life for something that the Dark Lord has no understanding of."

She was holding breath, literally, waiting to hear what it was.

"Love," he said simply. When he finally spoke the word, she had the look of someone who had been slapped in the face: shocked and angry. Since she was finally speechless, he turned on his heel and continued his walk in the gently falling snow.

* * *

"Thanks again, Hagrid," Lily called over her shoulder.

"Anytime for yea!" He shouted back, waving to her and Harry from the door of his hut. Harry waved back to the half-giant with a wide smile and a giggle. He was always so happy whenever she picked him up from Hagrid's and it did her heart good to see him smiling so much. She always got a laugh out of seeing Hagrid handle the one year old, as if he were going break at any moment. Dumbledore was more than right in his assessment of Hagrid's care for her son.

Harry gurgled and cooed before shoving the Frisbee sized cookie Hagrid had given him into his mouth, or at least part of the sweet. With his free hand, he pointed up to sky and Lily thought he was looking at the snow that was falling down until she followed the direction of his finger. Someone was walking around the lake by themselves. She couldn't quite make out who it was as they were too far away and the snow was obscuring their features.

"You want to go see who that is?" she asked Harry. He removed the cookie from his mouth and gave a delighted squeal. She took that as an affirmative. He really was going to grow up to be like his father for he always loved being around people. Due to that love, he had single handedly embarrassed her beyond anything that she had ever been through before one of the first nights they spent at Hogwarts.

Dumbledore had told her that it would be perfectly acceptable for her to eat meals at the staff table. So after her second day of teaching first and second years, she went to dinner, sitting at the Head Table with Harry on her lap. Professor Slughorn took the seat next to her and asked if he could hold Harry. Lily acquiescence despite how well she had adapted to eating one handed.

No sooner than she had chewed two bites did she look up to see that Harry had made his way almost to the end of the table leaving a wake of disaster. Slughorn had a beet sticking to his shiny forehead, McGonagall was trying to get mashed potatoes off of her hat while Dumbledore was blotting pumpkin juice from his robes. She jumped up from her seat and hurried down to Madame Hooch, who had been handed the trouble maker but had enthralled him with a snitch. Thankfully, it seemed the only thing that distracted him from wreaking havoc.

"And now we eat in our room, don't we buddy?" she said quietly and he giggled at her before chewing on the cookie again. She had gotten close enough to the person now to recognize the stooped posture and shoulder length black hair of the person walking around the lake.

She hadn't seen too much of Severus since they came to Hogwarts. True, she was relishing the alone time that she and Harry had when they first arrived and now with both of them involved in their classes, she hadn't had a chance to see how he was doing. She still was having trouble getting the picture of him beaten and bloody out of her head.

"Sev!"

He stopped dead in his tracks as if someone had put a wall up in front of him. He looked up with a wary expression until he caught sight of her. It never ceased to amaze Lily how his face changed whenever he relaxed. The hard lines that had already etched themselves into his young face faded and his dark eyes lost that cold glint.

"Lily," he greeted, giving her a timid smile. Harry greeted him in his own, unique language. "And Harry, too."

"What are you doing out here by yourself?"

"Enjoying the peace and quiet."

"Oh," Lily said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt." She started to move away when he practically jumped in front of her.

"No, no. I didn't mean it like that. If you want to join me, you, uh, but if you're busy, you know-"

"Sev," Lily smiled at him. It always made her smile whenever he would get tongued tied because it happened so rarely. "You're going to give yourself a brain aneurism if you keep that up. You want to hold him?" She held Harry, who was already reaching in Severus' direction, out for him to take. Severus looked like she was handing him devil's snare instead of a baby.

"I don't know…I don't think-"

She plopped Harry into Severus' flailing arms.

"Okay," he answered quietly, trying to find a comfortable position to hold the child. Harry looked up into Severus' face with wide eyed wonderment. The picture looked so terribly distorted to Lily. She was so used to seeing Harry in James' arms, although she was just getting used to seeing Sirius carting him around now. Remus would snatch him up whenever he had a chance but he refused to even come within a five feet radius two days before the full moon despite Lily's assurances. But for some reason, seeing Severus holding her son seemed to hurt so much more than any of the others. But the moment quickly ended as Harry whacked the side of Severus' head with Hagrid's cookie. Lily tried to admonish her son but she started laughing instead.

"I'm sorry about that," she said, wiping the tears from her eyes. The look of shock on her friend's face was priceless. "Do you want me to take him back?"

"No," Severus shook his head. "I, uh, I think this the start of a beautiful friendship." To emphasize the point, Harry smacked him again and squealed with laughter. Lily tried to stifle her own laugh and snatched the cookie from Harry. She broke off a small piece and handed it back to Harry. The child looked at the small piece very seriously before holding up to Severus' face.

"Yeah," he commented, "you can't do much damage with that."

They starting walking back up to the castle as dusk was settling and the snow was coming down heavier. Harry seemed content enough with Severus holding him and Lily enjoyed the feeling of having both her arms free.

"So, how are your potions classes going?"

"Well, enough. Professor Slughorn was even talking about letting me teach a few classes, one for each year. He'll have to go over the lesson plans, of course, but still. It'll be better than just cleaning out cauldrons and setting out ingredients."

"Do you still have your mother's potions book?"

He was surprised she remembered that. True, their friendship had deteriorated by sixth year but they still had the same potions class. In an effort to support inter-house unity, Professor Slughorn had partnered them together at times. "Yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"I think you should write your own potions book. You came up with a lot of short cuts that were extremely helpful and made the process much simpler."

"If I ever get sent to Azkaban, I'll be sure to write it then."

"Don't joke about that, Sev." That had been her greatest fear when he was still siding with the Death Eaters, that he would be caught and thrown into Azkaban. Given his past, the dementors would have a field day with his memories and the tragedies that befell him. She couldn't stand the thought of losing him now. Their friendship had a second chance and she didn't want to waste it. Life was too short, as she had cruelly found out.

He cleared his throat. "How are your classes going? First and second years treating you alright?"

"Yes." She smiled. "The kids are wonderful and the charms are so basic. The only thing I don't like is grading the homework for them."

"Ah, yes, homework. The bane of everyone's existence, teacher and student alike."

Lily looked over to her left and saw a large, bare branched tree sitting close to the water's edge and she slowed to a stop. This was the spot. This was where everything fell apart. Severus stopped as well and looked around. Realization came over his features and he started to look terribly uncomfortable. She couldn't let the break in their friendship remain there anymore. He had saved her life, twice now. He had proved himself to be a friend, a very faithful and selfless friend, just like he always had been.

"I'm sorry, Sev."

His brow furrowed. "You're sorry? I thought I should be the one saying that."

"You already did," she sighed. "I never accepted it and I'm sorry for that. I never should done that to you."

"I never should have said that to you. You had every right to turn me away."

She shook her head. "No, I didn't. You were my friend. I should have been there for you more. Maybe if I had-"

"No, that was my decision. A very foolish one but still mine."

She reached out and touched his hand only to find it was ice cold. Looking down, she noticed his hands were raw looking. "Sev, your hands. Where are your gloves?"

"Oh, I, uh, I," he shrugged, "I left them back at the castle."

She nodded her head and pulled out her wand, hitting him with a warming spell. "Am I forgiven?"

He smiled slightly, but the look of relief was unmistakable. "There was never any need."


	13. Holiday Plans

**Chapter Thirteen: Holiday Plans**

He wasn't that keen on teaching classes, but when the last one finished for the Christmas break, Severus found himself fighting disappointment…well, almost. He enjoyed the routine, of knowing what was going to come next and he would miss that stability. The upside to the beginning of the holiday break was most of the students would be returning to their homes, leaving the school emptier and more quiet. It also meant that he would have a reprieve from all the Slytherin students that surrounded themselves around him in hopes of hearing exciting tales of his Death Eater days. Those students were only painful reminders of his own foolishness and he did his best to ignore them. But the holiday would give him a break from Holly Avery. Her overtly friendly advances had continued in earnest despite their brief talk by the lake.

"Ah, Severus," Professor Slughorn greeted him as he took the seat next to him at the staff table. "So, are you to go visit family this Christmas, my boy?"

"No, sir. I believe Professor Dumbledore wishes me to stay close to the school."

"Well then, that will be pleasant. Any family coming to you?"

He sincerely hoped not. The only people who would want to drop in for a visit would only wish to do him harm. "No, sir. I don't believe any one will coming here to see me."

"Oh, well. At least you'll be able to keep Lily company. I heard she was going to stay over the holiday as well."

Lily was staying over the holidays. Without classes to take up their time, he should be able to see much more her. Suddenly, the thought of spending yet another Christmas by himself instantly evaporated and a child like excitement replaced his loneliness.

"I can't imagine how hard it must be on her," Slughorn was saying. "First Christmas without James."

Severus felt the edge come off of his excitement. Of course it wouldn't be a good Christmas for her. He remembered how he felt that first Christmas after his mother passed away. All thoughts of spending two weeks walking in the snow and sitting in front of warm fire with her vanished.

"I believe I heard Dumbledore saying that Sirius Black and Remus Lupin would be coming here to celebrate Christmas with her and Harry so at least she won't be by herself."

"No," Severus mumbled. "At least she won't be alone." But he most certainly was going to be. If Black and Lupin were coming it meant Lily was completely off limits to him. So much for a pleasant Christmas. Slughorn launched into his holiday plans, starting with the Ministry of Magic's Eve ball. Severus finished the food that was left on his plate as quickly as possible. Slughorn was telling him the guest list for the party which Severus could have spit right back out to him since this was the fifth time he had heard it. Thankfully, he knew precisely the point where Slughorn would have to take a breath and when he did, Severus quietly excused himself. But he found no peace when he left the Great Hall either.

"Mr. Snape!"

Fate was definitely not his friend today. "Miss Avery."

She came running up to him, already dressed for the trek into Hogsmeade where the Hogwarts Express would take the students home for the holidays. "Oh, I'm so glad I got to see you before I went home."

He clasped his hands behind his back and gave her his best indifferent look. "Really? Well, I hope you have a good holiday."

"Wait, here," she pulled a parcel out from under her cloak. "I wanted to give this to you."

"I can't accept gifts from students."

"Come on," she gave him a coy look, "you're not really my teacher. Please, I want you to have this."

"Absolutely not," he stated firmly and started to move away. "Have a good holiday." Thankfully, she didn't say anymore and allowed him to walk away in solitude. He had probably hurt her feelings for refusing the gift and he did feel some remorse over that, despite her fascination with the Dark Arts she was an exceptional student and nice girl. Perhaps he shouldn't have been so quick to dismiss her. Things could have turned out differently for him if someone had taken the time to guide his interests elsewhere. Was that all Holly needed? He had tried to speak with Professor Slughorn about her and his concerns but all the Professor seemed interested in was how well respected her father was in the wizarding community.

Someone touched his arm and he jumped sideways, fearing it was Holly once more. When his heart got over the initially shock, he saw it was Lily. "You scared me half to death!"

"Sorry," she smiled and resituated Harry in her arms. "I called out to you three times but apparently you were stuck inside that head of yours."

He both hated and loved the fact that she knew him so well. "Yes, I suppose I was."

"Would you mind holding him for a minute?"

Arguing with her about holding her son was null and void so he was growing accustomed to taking him from her whenever she offered the child to him. He secretly wondered if James was somehow telling his son what to do every time Severus took him, as Harry would either pull his hair, grab his nose or yank on his tie. And on other days, apparently like today, he would try to do all three.

"Harry, stop it," Lily scolded and pried open the child's clenched fist that held a lock of his hair. "I'm sorry, Sev. He's taken to doing that with everyone now. I'm thinking of cutting my hair."

"Don't do that." Lily gave him a surprised look and he felt his face color. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"Yes, you should have. Friends say things like that, Sev. I just didn't know you would feel so strongly. I was only kidding though."

"Oh," was all he managed to say before Harry had located his ear and gave it a good sound tug. He turned his head to pull his ear from Harry's grasp and found the kid staring at him with wide green eyes, probably wondering why he choose to take away the new "toy." The sad part of this was, he would most likely let this child beat him black and blue all because he had Lily's eyes.

Harry pressed his mouth against the palm of his little hand and promptly smacked it against Severus' cheek. He gave a delighted laugh as Severus switched him to his other arm and wiped off the saliva on his face with the sleeve of his robe.

"Aw," Lily crooned, "He gave you a kiss. He usually only does that for Sirius and Remus." She pulled a silver tube from her robes and squeezed some of the contents into her hand before slipping it back into her robes. As she rubbed her hands together the strong scent of lavender filled the space between them.

He pointed to her hands. "Are you alright?"

"Oh, yes." She held up her hands for his inspection and found the area around her knuckles were a blotchy red. "The cold weather plays havoc with my hands. It's everything I can do to keep them from getting cracked. Here, I'll take him back."

Severus handed the child back to her, who had wrinkled his nose at the scent of the lavender. "Where are you headed?"

"Well, it's almost time for Harry's nap so once he's asleep I'm going to try to grade some of my second year's essays. But I'll probably be taking a nap as well."

He looked at her face and noticed the rings under her eyes and the weariness that seemed to permeate her overall facial expression. "Aren't you sleeping well?"

She shook her head. "I'm still having nightmares. When I wake up, I still reach for…"

Severus felt alarm override the sense of life's complete unfairness. He wondered if James ever truly appreciated the gift that had been generously bestowed on him by this woman. He would give his life to have just one morning to wake up and find her next to him. But the threat of tears in her voice caused him to push those thoughts from his mind and scramble for a change in topic. "I heard from Professor Slughorn that Remus and Bl-" he practically choked on the name, "Sirius will be coming for Christmas."

Lily sniffed slightly. "Yes, they'll be here for the day. Remus may stay longer but Sirius can only spare that one day. He says Dumbledore's been keeping him very busy. Why don't you come?"

"What?"

She swiped at the corner of her eye, brushing away a tear. When she spoke again, all trace of the emotional upset she had been feeling was gone. "Come up to the Gryffindor common room Christmas morning. I'll let you in and you won't have to spend the day by yourself. There's no sense in that."

"Thank you but no. Remus may tolerate me now but Sirius most certainly would not. I don't want to ruin that holiday for you or cause unneeded anxiety."

"Nonsense," she reached out and touched his arm again. "You're my friend too and they need to accept that as well. So, you'll come?"

"Yes." The word flew out his mouth before he could even stop it. She could ask him to walk through fire or hand pluck a hippogriff and he would agree to it. Lily gave him a pleased smile.

"Wonderful. We still have a few days before Christmas so we'll make specific plans later, alright?"

He nodded dumbly.

"Good. Well, I'll see you later then, Sev."

His mind finally came back into focus and he realized they were standing in front of the portrait that led into Gryffindor tower. She gave his arm a squeeze before disappearing behind the painting. When the door closed, the Fat Lady in the picture sniffed haughtily.

"Shouldn't you be elsewhere?"

He turned away from the portrait and headed back down into the dungeons, caught up in much lighter thoughts than before. Students were saying goodbye to their friends that were staying, a total of fourteen students, he thought Dumbledore had said. Thankfully, none of them were Slytherins which meant he would have Slytherin house completely to himself over the holidays. Slughorn was just on his way out as Severus stepped into the dimly lit common room.

"Professor, I have a quick question for you before you go."

"Yes, of course." He straightened his fine wool cloak slightly impatiently.

"Would you mind if I did a little experimenting with some potions while you're gone? I will, of course, replace any ingredients that I use."

The Professor gave him a smile. "Of course you may as long as you promise not to blow up the classroom and find other things to fill your time over the break. Get out, be social. That's what Christmas is all about, my boy." After a clap on the shoulder, Slughorn left the common room. Blessed silence permeated the room and Severus took a moment to enjoy it. Being social was never one of his desires, he did it merely out necessity than want.

He went into the storage closet and pulled out the owl order book. Everything he needed for the project he had in mind would be able to be ordered. He could use what was already in stock, replacing it with the ordered materials before classes started again. It would take most of what Dumbledore had paid him for the position but he really had no need for the money. He quickly filled out the order form for the replacement ingredients and went to his quarters to get the money.

The prefects room had a central common room with six bedrooms and bathrooms off of it, four for the prefects and two for the Head Boy and Girl. One of the fifth year prefects had been forced to stay in the regular dormitory room, much to his displeasure, and Severus had taken up residence in that room. As he passed through the central room, he noticed a parcel had been left on the table by the fireplace. He picked it up to put it in the person's room only to find it was his name on the package. With a grimace, he realized it was the same parcel that Holly had tried giving him outside the Great Hall. Unsure of what to do with it now, he dropped it on his bed and went about his original project he had set out to do.


	14. Christmas Preparations

**Author's Note: **Hi all! I'm sorry this chapter is a little shorter than the others. The flu/cold/sinus infection bug has come to visit me and it has not been a pleasant visit. My apologies for anything that does not make sense in this chapter and any of the following until the bug decides to leave me alone.

**Chapter Fourteen: Christmas Preparations**

This pleasantness was about to be gone, slipping through his fingers like vapor. True to her word, Lily had sought him out to make specific plans for Christmas. They had spent the better part of two dinners in the Great Hall discussing the events of the day. Tonight was Christmas Eve and Severus was more aware of the ticking of time than he had been in the last couple of days.

"So you'll come up to Gryffindor Tower around nine, then?"

"Yes."

"And don't worry about Sirius," she gave him a devious grin. "I've already threatened to hex him into the New Year should he try anything."

Severus allowed himself a grin. "Beautiful. I was wondering one thing though."

"What's that?"

"Could I, uh," he didn't think it would it this hard to ask her. "Could I borrow Harry for a few minutes?"

She raised her eyebrows and looked down at Harry, who was happily chewing on the staff dining table. "Um, sure. For what may I ask?"

"It's a surprise. I promise, it shouldn't take too long. Just wait here, okay?"

She nodded and handed the child to him. "How about you bring him up to Gryffindor Tower in about an hour? It'll give me some time to wrap some of his gifts and decorate."

"That sounds fine." He took Harry and quickly left the Great Hall, heading down to the dungeons. He was terrified that the child would start screaming bloody murder as soon as his mother was out of sight. Thankfully, the only thing that issued out of his mouth was an intricate string of baby babble which Severus took as a good sign. When he got down to the potions classroom, he sat Harry down on the work desk and started opening the bottles of fragrance oils.

He started with the floral scents: rose, lily (ironically enough), jasmine and finally gardenia. Every single scent was met with the same nose wrinkling face. "Alright, let's try this one." Severus capped the gardenia oil and pulled out the rosemary. It took three sleepless nights to get the lotion perfect but it should work for her. With all the moisturizing herbs and plants he put in it, she should only have to use it twice a day, once in the morning and then again at night. It was the scent he wasn't sure of. He remembered Harry wrinkling his nose at the lavender and thought there was no better judge of scent than Lily's son. Apparently, none of the flower scents were Harry-approved. He uncapped the rosemary oil and held it under Harry's nose.

"What about this?"

Harry's green eyes scrunched up and he sneezed.

"That would be a no to rosemary." He recapped the rosemary oil and reached for the citrus scents but the one year old didn't seem taken with any of them either.

"Well, I didn't want to be cliché, but this is the last one I have." He pulled out the peppermint oil and unscrewed the cap. He was rewarded with an instant, albeit alarming, reaction as Harry instantly reached out for the bottle and tipped it back so he could drink it.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said, prying the amber colored bottle out of Harry's grip. He picked up Harry from the work bench and tried to imitate Lily whenever she held him with just one arm. It took a couple tries but once Harry had a firm grasp on his hair, Severus was able to drop in the proper amount of the oil and stir it into the mixture. Glancing up at the clock, he saw he still had ten minutes to spare. When the sweet smell of peppermint filled the potions classroom, he extinguished the flames and waited a few minutes till it set.

"Sev?"

He grabbed his coat and threw it over the caldron at the sound of Lily's voice. He was too afraid to charm the bottles to put themselves back, if any of them broke he wouldn't have enough money to replace them. He was hoping she would continue to search for him but Harry let out a squeal at the sound of his mother's voice and she soon appeared in the classroom doorway.

"It smells like you've been melting down candy canes, Sev."

He shrugged, not knowing what else to say. "Did, uh, did you get everything done?"

"Yes, I did." She cautiously surveyed the work table with all the scented oils and finally her eyes rested on the coat covered caldron. "What have you two been up to?"

Severus shook his head, or more correctly, tried to but Harry still had a firm hold on his hair. "He's certainly got a strong grip."

Lily levered open Harry's hand and took him from Severus. "Sirius says he's going to grow up to be a seeker. I don't know how to train him to stop doing that. I'm hoping that he'll just grow out of it."

Thankful for the change of interest, Severus jumped on the new topic. "He probably will grow out of it. I don't see many twenty year old men that pull people's hair."

Lily started to laugh but quickly her face crumbled and to Severus' horror she had started crying. It had been quite a while since he had seen her dissolve into tears and he had hoped that she was over that phase of her grief. Of course, it had only been two months since James was killed. Lily was trying to cover her face to hid her tears while Harry looked from his mother to Severus, as if begging him to intervene. He really couldn't remember feeling so useless in a potions classroom.

"I, uh, I was just kidding," he stumbled, pulling out a chair and directing her towards it. "I'm sure he'll grow out of before he's twenty."

"It's not that," she said, her voice shaky as she sat down. "I'm okay, really."

"Sure, sure." Dumbledore always had a handkerchief available, why didn't he? Taking out his wand, he transfigured the coat that was covering the caldron into a handkerchief and handed it to her. She wiped her eyes and transfigured another chair into a crib, putting Harry inside of it.

"I'm sorry, Sev." She sat back down in the chair and he followed suite.

"That's alright."

She was quiet for a few minutes, watching Harry suck his thumb. "It was just really hard, wrapping those gifts. James was so excited about staying up all night on Christmas Eve putting toys together…I never thought I would be doing it alone."

He wanted to assure her that she wasn't alone, that he would always be there for her. His dream was to spend a sleepless Christmas Eve putting together toys, wrapping gifts and whatever else transpired in a home, as long as it was with her. However, as much as he despised James, he didn't want to make light of her grief and by taking this time to confess his undying love to her would do just that. He wasn't even certain that she would welcome him touching her. He reached out his hand towards her, stopping a few inches away her, giving her the choice to accept his offer of comfort or not. Thankfully, she latched onto his hand like it was a lifeline.

"I know you never really liked James," she sniffed. "He really did feel bad about how he treated you in school."

Despite the warmth of Lily's hand in his he still bristled at the revelation. "Did he now?"

"I wish you could have meet him after he changed."

Severus gave her a noncommittal noise.

"Well," she wiped her eyes, "at least you knew him seventh year. He started changing then."

Did he? Severus never noticed. The pranks, cursing and hexing all continued. And if Lily happened to be around, Black usually did the dirty work instead of James. Then there was the invisibility cloak…that was always the worst.

"Sev?"

He looked up to see Lily with a shocked look on her tear stained face. "He did back off hexing you, didn't he?"

The Death Eater in him wanted to tell her the truth, that no, James didn't back off. But he was tired of seeing the pain on her face and in her eyes. To destroy the image of the man she loved and lost would be cruel beyond anything else he had done in his life. So he nodded and forced a smile on his face. "Yeah, he did."

"Well, well, well," a voice broke the quiet in the dungeons. "This is cozy."

Lily's hand dropped from his and he turned to see Sirius Black standing in the doorway of the classroom. "Aren't you early?" Severus sneered.

Sirius stalked into the room and picked up a grinning Harry, who seemed terribly happy to see his godfather. "Apparently I'm not early enough. Poor Lily has fallen into the idea that you're good company."

"Sirius, please." Lily tiredly rubbed her forehead. "I'm not putting up with this for Christmas."

"Why aren't you telling him to behave then?"

Lily stood up from the chair. "We're not in school anymore, Sirius. Behave like an adult." She pulled her wand and cleaned the handkerchief before transfiguring it back into Severus' coat. "Thank you, Sev."

"Whoa," Sirius exclaimed. "Looks like you really screwed up your brew here, Mr. Potions Master."

Severus spun around to see Sirius and Lily peering into the cauldron. Harry pointed to the contents and said "yum," the first intelligible word Severus had heard from the boy. Then Lily dipped her finger into the caldron and rubbed some of the substance between her fingers.

"Is this lotion?" she asked.

The surprise ruined, he nodded his head. "Yeah, it is."

Sirius burst out laughing. "Is that what you do now? Fearsome Death Eater and Dark Arts oddball, making lotion in his dungeon."

Severus had his wand half drawn before he realized Sirius was still holding Harry. Reluctantly, he lowered his wand, wanting nothing more than to wipe that smug look off Black's face.

"Sirius, why don't you go put Harry to bed. The password into the tower is 'Yule.'"

"You want me to wait for you?" Black asked.

"No, I'll be there shortly."

"Well, if you need me, just yell."

"I'm getting ready to yell now," Lily snapped.

"Alright," Sirius started for the door, "come on, Harry. Let's wipe the grease off of you."

Severus threw his wand down on the table and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Perhaps my coming to your Christmas festivities isn't such a great idea."

"Nonsense. Remus will be there too and he told me that you've been getting along just fine."

It was true. His encounters with Remus had been much more civil than any with Sirius. But Remus had always turned a blind eye to Sirius' pranks, he wondered if it would still be the case.

"Sev? Are you alright?"

"Yes, I suppose so." He motioned to caldron. "I made this for you…for Christmas."

"Aw, Sev. This must have taken you a really long time."

He shrugged. "Harry will like the scent. He tried to drink the peppermint oil. He turned his nose up to all the other scents."

"That's what you wanted him for? To pick a scent?" Lily reached down into the caldron again and rubbed the lotion on the back of her hands. "This is the best lotion I have ever used. Thank you, so much."

"It was suppose to be a surprise."

"It was."

"I'll put in the canister I have and bring it tomorrow."

Lily smiled. "So you will come tomorrow?"

Like there was any doubt. "Yes, I'll come."


	15. Beautiful Disaster

Author's Note: First of all, thank you thank you thank you everyone! 100 reviews! You guys rock! Second, since I've already played around with the timeline, I'm going to do it again. I know Regulus was killed sometime in 1979 but I'm keeping him alive. That's all I'm going to say, you'll read the rest. But please, no reviews saying that Regulus was already dead by 1981...I know. ;-)

**Chapter Fifteen: A Beautiful Disaster**

Holly Avery watched the one year old Draco Malfoy being passed around the circle of female guests and couldn't help but think of the red haired woman and her black haired son. She hadn't had any interactions with Lily Potter but whenever she did see her, she was usually in the company of Severus Snape. It didn't really upset her as much as she let on. Sure his reputation gave him a romantic spin that made up for his looks, and she wanted nothing more than to make her family happy and safe.

Draco came to her and she followed everyone else's actions and held him, making a fuss over him. She couldn't help but draw comparisons between the child in her arms and the one she had seen around school. Draco looked up at her with curious, wide gray eyes that held a hint of fear, no doubt to all the handling of him by strangers. No matter how much she smiled or tickled him, his pointed face refused to break into a smile. She could hear Harry's laughter all throughout the school and whenever she saw him, he had a big grin on his face.

"There's my nephew!"

Holly saw Bellatrix Lestrange come into the room, her arms outstretched. Even that didn't draw a reaction from the child as Holly handed the child over to his aunt. There was something about Bellatrix that left her seriously unsettled and Holly quickly left the room. As soon as she entered into the main hall of Malfoy Manor, she ran into her uncle, literally.

"Hey there, Holly," he held her at arms length. "Are your holidays going well?"

"Yes, Uncle Alex."

"Good, good." He looked around him to make sure no one was listening. "Did you give Severus the parcel?"

"I put in the prefects common room for him. He…he wouldn't take it from me."

Her uncle nodded. "He was always cautious. That was to be expected. Make sure he opened it when you get back. Keep trying to be his friend. If you can bring him back into the fold, we'll both be able to knock Lucius out of the number one spot in the Dark Lord's circle."

"I'll do my best, Uncle."

He gave her a wide smile. "Of course you will. Enjoy your Christmas then."

"You too." She watched him blend into the crowd, easily making his way through the people that he wanted to step over to be the Dark Lord's most faithful, even if it meant backstabbing to do it. He shook hands with Lucius and acted like he always had, friendly and open. Perhaps Severus was correct when he said that the Dark Lord had no understanding of love. His followers certainly didn't.

She had seen the way Severus looked at Lily Potter, with open adoration and caring that bordered on worry. He had taught one of Holly's potions classes and had been so well spoken and articulate but whenever she was close enough to hear the dialogue between him and Lily, he turned into a stuttering, blundering moron with his speech. Despite all the training she had that told her emotions were a weakness, she wanted that. She wanted someone who would get so nervous around her, words tripped him up. And when she left the room, he noticed exactly how many steps she took to get to the door. All she saw here were masks of cold smiles, no warmth whatsoever.

"Hello."

Holly jumped at the voice behind her and turned around to see a lanky, black haired boy standing behind her on the stairs. She would have recognized him anyway despite the gray eyes and the haughty look on his face. He wasn't nearly as good looking as his brother, but standing among Death Eaters, Regulus Black cut an impressive figure.

"Hello, Mr. Black."

He humphed and came down to her level. "Please, it's Regulus. You're in your last year at school, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am. You've been out for two years?"

"About that. What are you thinking of doing when you get out?"

She was about to ask why he was suddenly so interested in her but decided, she didn't care. He looked her in the eye and he seemed to really be interested. In a room full of razor sharp smiles and double meaning words, he stood out just by being genuine. "I don't really have much of a choice, do I? Everyone in my family is a Death Eater."

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, we all have choices."

It struck her as a very odd thing to say, surely not something a faithful Death Eater would say. "Yes, I suppose so."

Any other conversation was cut short as the front doors of the manor opened and Voldemort himself breezed into the entryway. Holly felt as if all the air had been sucked from the room and silence fell immediately as soon as the Dark Lord entered the room. Those that were in closest proximity bowed, kissing the hem of his robe. Regulus bowed from the waist and Holly followed his example. She had never seen the Dark Lord before. Her uncle and parents had described him but nothing prepared her for the red eyes and snake like face. She saw the hem of the cloak pass in front of her and stop. Her breath stuck in her throat.

"Ah, Miss Avery, is it?"

She kept her head bowed. "Yes, sir."

"Now, now dear," he drawled smoothly, "you may look up."

She did so, hoping her trembling wasn't showing too much.

"That's better. Come here," he extended a thin, long fingered hand. "There is no need to fear me."

Her hand was shaking badly as she extended it and placed it in the Dark Lord's ice cold grip. She finally took notice of the adults around her. Her mother was in tears, her father and uncle smiling proudly. Lucius looked unimpressed and Bellatrix had a sneer on her face.

A smile twisted the lipless mouth. "I'm not so frightening now, am I?"

"N-n-no, sir."

"Tell me," he asked, leading her into the front room. "How is Severus Snape doing?"

"I'm not s-sure what you mean, my l-lord."

"Ah," he turned to everyone in the room. "Not yet a Death Eater but she already possesses the respect. What I meant," he said, directing his attention back to her, "is what is his mood like? Does he miss us?"

Severus words flew through her mind, _So, Holly, are you prepared to hurt, maim, kill, back stab and torture in order to have acceptance? I thought I was but I couldn't give up my soul for that. I would give up everything, even my life and my afterlife for something that the Dark Lord has no understanding of. Love._

"Hm. I see," Voldemort said and Holly's face flushed with shame. She had forgotten that he was legilimens. "Where did he go for the holidays?"

Holly swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. She had just betrayed Severus without speaking a word. The damage was already done. "He stayed at the school, my lord."

"Wormtail."

A small, watery eyed man pushed his way to the front of the crowd. "Yes, Master?"

"Why don't you go pay Severus a visit. No one should look twice at a rat in a dungeon."

An evil grin lit up the man's face and Holly felt her stomach clench.

"But," Voldemort held up a finger in warning, "do not kill him. That is a pleasure I wish to have myself."

"My lord," Lucius stepped forward. "We've already caused him damage. Why not be done with the matter?"

Voldemort dropped her hand and Holly quickly retreated to the side of the room. She didn't realize it, but she bumped right into Regulus. The younger Black brother merely patted her shoulder and whispered, "You did great. It'll be alright."

"Are you questioning my judgment?" Voldemort asked lowly.

Fear broke out on Lucius face. "No, no of course not. I wish nothing but an easy rise of power to you."

"Flattery will get no where with me, Lucius," Voldemort snapped, "but since it's Christmas," he spat the word, "I'll let it go. I wish to make to Snape suffer, more than just physically. And to do this, I must get to the heart of the matter, so to speak."

"And what is that, Master?" Wormtail asked.

"As if you didn't know."

Wormtail looked around the room, terrified he was about to be struck down for this lack of knowledge. Voldemort reprieved him of the fear.

"Lily Evans. I destroy her and her child in front of Snape and I effective destroy him." Voldemort turned his scarlet eyes towards Holly. "And he thinks I don't understand love."

* * *

Severus took his time putting away the ingredients he used for the lotion. He wasn't all too keen on sleeping. In fact the last time he had tried to sleep, which was four days ago, the nightmares of his past actions came back full force. He thought of using a sleeping potion but it always tended to make his mind fuzzy in the morning hours and he had a feeling he would need all his wits about tomorrow. Instead, he had taken the first night he was alone to make a large quantity of a pepper-up potion that kept him going.

Closing the oil cabinet, he transferred the lotion into the ornate ceramic canister. Aside from his wand, he never went anywhere without this. In a drunken rage, his father had destroyed anything and everything that was his mother's after her death. He burned the books that Severus' couldn't hide, smashed all the moving pictures in the house and pawned what little jewelry she had. The books, canister and an emerald pendant were all he was able to salvage of his mother. He couldn't think of anyone better to give the container to than Lily.

When everything was cleaned up and put away, he headed to his room. It was one in the morning, so he could get plenty of reading done in the seventh year's potion book and make appropriate changes to the text. He had already done that in his seventh year but new ingredients were always making an appearance. That, and it was a way to kill the eight hours that lay before him. He opened the door and immediately sensed something was off. Placing the canister on the bottom shelf of his nightstand, he drew his wand.

The fire in the hearth roared to life and all the lanterns threw out twice the light they normally did. Nothing seemed out of place and with all the light, no one could be hiding. The only thing that he noticed that was out of place was the parcel Holly had given him was opened and sitting on his desk. He didn't remember opening it. In fact, he had planned on putting it back in her dormitory. As he drew closer he saw it was black leather bound book. He stood directly over it to read the faded printing on the cover.

"_Advanced Curses, Jinxes and Hexes." _He bit back a sigh of frustration. No doubt her uncle put her up to giving him the Dark Arts book. He reached down to pick it up and give it to a house elf to take back to the girl's dormitory when a blinding pain hit him in the back of his head and blackness swallowed him whole.


	16. Revelations

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Chapter Sixteen: Revelations 

"_And you may be sure your sin will find you out." _

_Numbers 32:23b_

Remus tiredly rubbed his eyes and took another sip of the highly caffeinated coffee. Sirius and Lily both assured him they were all safe and sound at the school but something nagged him in the back of his mind. As much as he hated his lupine attributes, this second instinct had proved extremely useful so he listened to it whenever he told him danger was on the way.

"Padfoot."

The other man, who was sprawled out in the Gryffindor dormitory bed, groaned in his sleep but didn't say anything else.

"Padfoot!"

The bare foot hanging over the edge of the bed twitched.

"PADFOOT!"

"I already paid for the drinks!" Sirius sat up in the bed and blearily looked around the dorm room. "This isn't the Leaky Cauldron."

"No," Remus answered. "Do you have the Marauder's Map with you?"

"You couldn't have used a accio charm for this?"

"Not since you put an anti-accio jinx on it."

Sirius drug a hand over his face. "Bugger." He reached under the mattress of the bed and produced the blank parchment. Handing it over to Remus, he promptly laid back down and the snoring commenced. Remus opened the map and spread it out on the red and gold bedcovers of his own bed.

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good," Remus whispered. The hallways and rooms appeared on the parchment and Remus quickly ticked off where everyone was. Lily and Harry were safe and sound in the top room of Gryffindor Tower. Dumbledore was sleeping, as were the other Heads of Houses, minus Horace Slughorn, who was absent. Severus was in his room, sleeping most likely since his dot was unmoving as well.

There was one dot that was moving through the castle that Remus had to look twice at. The dot seemed to be making a bee line to Gryffindor Tower and the name beside it was none other than Peter Pettigrew. Remus jumped off the bed and grabbed a hold of Sirius' arm.

"Sirius, wake up!"

"I gave you the map."

"It's Peter! He's here!"

Sirius came fully awake. "What?"

Remus shoved the map under Sirius' nose which was all that was needed. Sirius grabbed his wand from the nightstand and threw on his robe. "We need to get to Lily before he does."

Remus sent out two patronuses to wake Dumbledore and McGonagall before following Sirius up the stairs that led to Lily and Harry's room. Sirius had thrown the door open and stopped on the threshold causing Remus to plow into him full force. Looking around his dumbstruck friend, Remus saw what had brought his friend to a dead stand still: Lily, surprised at their forceful entry, was sitting up in bed, tears running down her face. Hastily she wiped them but when she spoke, her voice was hoarse from crying.

"What's going on?"

"Pettigrew is in the castle," Remus blurted. "We need you to stay here."

"No, I'm coming with you," she said, reaching for her wand.

Sirius finally found his voice. "You can't leave Harry by himself. We'll ward you in and set a protection spell around the door."

Her face showed signs of frustration but she nodded.

Remus and Sirius both backed out of the room, shutting the door and setting the protection spells. Remus looked back down at the map and saw Pettigrew was now at the portrait of the Fat Lady and McGonagall was going to be right in front of them on the stairs. Dumbledore hadn't moved, which meant Remus' patronus most likely never reached him as he doubted Peter could have caught the Headmaster at a disadvantage.

"Where is he now?" McGonagall shouted up to them. She was in her tartan dressing gown but her wand was held at the ready.

"At the portrait," Sirius answered and the three of them converged on the common room. They stood side by side, wands pointed at the portrait. The painting slowly opened but no person stood behind it.

"He's a rat!" Sirius shouted and before Remus could blink, a large black dog was bounding across the room. If McGonagall had any questions as to why Pettigrew was a rat and Sirius was a dog, she kept it to herself. There was a squeal and soon two grown men were grappling on the ground. Remus tried to look for an opening but was too afraid to hit Sirius. When they broke apart, McGonagall cast a Protego spell protecting Sirius and Remus sent out the incarcerous spell around Pettigrew.

"There he is," a cold voice said from the entrance of the common room. Remus turned to see a bloodied and bruised Severus Snape climbing through the portrait. There was a dangerous gleam to his black eyes, the kind that Remus hadn't seen since Snape had returned to Hogwarts. Blood covered the right side of his face and had flowed down his neck. His white dress shirt was torn and red angry welts showed through the material. "I'll do us all a favor and kill the vermin now."

"No!" McGonagall shouted. "There'll be no murder in this room. Justice will be served through the Ministry."

Snape's face contorted in rage. "Justice? He betrayed the Potters! He was their secret keeper!"

Pettigrew's face had blanched at Snape's appearance but now if flushed red in anger. "You want to talk of betrayal, Snape, by all means. Have you told them who it was that reported the prophecy to the Dark Lord in the first place?"

"Silence!" Snape roared as a ropes came out of his wand and wrapped themselves around Pettigrew's mouth. Remus barely had time to register what exactly had been said before Sirius had his wand pointed at Snape.

"I knew it!" Sirius let out a bark of laughter. "I knew you couldn't be trusted."

"Stop! Wait!"

Remus turned to see Lily had come downstairs from the Tower, most likely hearing that they had apprehended Peter. She entered the room cautiously, keeping a great amount of distance between her, Pettigrew and Snape.

"Surely," she said, tears creeping into her voice, "he's lying. He's just trying to cast doubt on you, isn't he? Sev?"

Remus watched as a complete transformation took place in Snape. The murderous glint in his eyes faded and the hatred in his face was extinguished. If possible, he became even paler at the sight of Lily. Despite the fact that Sirius still had his wand trained on him, Snape lowered his and looked at Lily pleadingly.

"I didn't know…" Snape started to say. "I didn't know who the prophecy was speaking of. I didn't know…"

Remus was surprised to see tears forming in Snape's eyes and he never thought he would ever see a man more broken. He looked back at Lily who was furiously shaking her head, her hand at her throat.

"Please, Lily," Snape was pleading now, "if I had known he was going to go to you, I would have died without ever speaking of the prophecy to anyone. I wouldn't do that to you!"

"But you would to James," Sirius snarled. "My guess is you pointed Voldemort straight at them!"

"I would have died before I did that!" Snape turned from Sirius back to Lily. "You've got to believe me, Lily."

Lily had blanched white and had a look of horror on her face. Without saying a word of whether she believed him or not, she turned and went back up the stairs. Remus looked over at Sirius and saw the concern on his friend's face matched his own. When they turned back, Snape had turned around and fled from the common room. Sirius started after him but McGonagall stopped him as only a Head of House can do.

"Sirius, you watch over Pettigrew while I fetch the Head Master. Remus, you go tend to Lily."

"What about him?" Sirius pointed his wand towards where Snape had disappeared.

"The Head Master will deal with that matter."

* * *

Severus had to escape and get away from this place. Maybe he could go back to the Dark Lord. Death would be promised to him and hopefully more suffering. Any kind of physical pain would be welcome now. He felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest and surely anyone cursing or hexing him couldn't hurt nearly as much as Lily's rejection did. Again. Even as he flew down the steps that led to the dungeons, he wondered what it would take to make himself trip and fall the rest of the way down. But his feet were traitors to him as they knew the stone stairs too well to miss a step.

He barged through the common room and through the twisted hallways of the dormitory. He blew through the prefects common room and into his own. The first thing he saw was his mother's canister that he was going to give to Lily. Without putting any thought behind the action, he pick it up and hurled it against the stone wall. No satisfaction came out of hearing the impact and seeing the shards of porcelain on the floor.

He needed something familiar, something that wouldn't hurt or accuse him. Something that brought order to his confused mind and comfort to his shattered heart. His gaze landed on the black leather bound book of Holly's. The Dark Arts…they had embraced when no one else would. Gave him satisfaction when nothing else could. Just as his hand touched the cover, a voice from the doorway stopped him.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

He turned to see Dumbledore standing there in his dressing gown. "When do you want me out?"

"Out?" Dumbledore entered the room. "Well, I daresay whenever you've had enough of it here."

"Didn't you speak with Professor McGonagall? Didn't she tell you-"

"What you told me yourself, Severus? About you giving the prophecy to Voldemort? Yes, she did though your account of the event was much more detailed."

He tried to respond but when he opened his mouth only a sob came out. He took a deep breath and tried again. "I h-hate myself. I hate what…what I did."

"Hating our actions is the first step to our redemption. Hating ourselves, however, is the first step to our destruction. As much as you wish it now, I do not want to see you destroy yourself."

Indignation, of all things, came over at that point. "What good am I to anyone now? Black and Potter were right. I am just some greasy, oddball git who knows nothing but the Dark Arts! There is no place for me in this world!"

Dumbledore sat down wearily on the bed. "There is always a place in this world to any who find themselves in it. As for knowing nothing but Dark Arts, I would have to disagree. Horace had done nothing but praise you since you've come on staff. Quite frankly," Dumbledore laughed slightly, "I never thought I would get him to retire and he's already talking about it. He said that his potions classes, as well as his house, would be left in capable hands."

"Hands that are covered in blood." Severus yanked up his left sleeve, revealing his Dark Mark. "Aren't you forgetting about this? A fine Head of House I would be."

"All that is now is a reminder of who you used to be. It does not define you as a man. I know your drive for acceptance. Don't look so shocked, all of us suffer from that human frailty, myself included. I fear that may be a reason why Voldemort has gathered so many to his side. The werewolves, giants and vampires, all denied acceptance in this world and yet he offers it to them. But you know what you've proved?"

Severus quietly regarded the old man in front of him and waited for the answer.

Dumbledore looked at him steadily. "You've risen above that need. But because you have does not mean that you still do not need it. Horace is very impressed with you, not a small feat. Many of the Slytherin students, who aren't terrified of you, look up to you a great deal. Think of how many would be Death Eaters you could influence to turn their backs on the Dark Arts. I could think of no one better for the job than you."

No one had praised him so highly before and he found he didn't know how to react. His vision still blurred until he blinked so he knew he was still crying but didn't care at the moment. Even if everything that Dumbledore said was true, it still didn't piece back together his heart. He still had lost the one thing that mattered most to him.

"I love her," he finally admitted to the Head Master. "I always have."

Dumbledore reached out a hand and grasped Severus' arm. "I know. Love, for all the positive things that surround it, can be more painful than a mortal wound. And I am sorry for that. All I can tell you is love Lily the best you can right now. She needs a friend and you have always been that to her."

"Friends," he spoke the word in utter despair.

"Friends is a start, Severus."

"She hates me now. You didn't see her face when she found out it was me who told the Dark Lord of the prophecy. She was horrified."

"A reasonable response for sure. Give her time. So many emotions she's feeling right now are intensely raw. Surely, you know how that feels."

Exhaustion finally caught up with him and he hung his head, lacking the energy to keep it up anymore. Too many thoughts were swirling in his head and too many emotions were crammed in his chest.

"Now," Dumbledore said, standing up. "I suggest that you get some sleep. I daresay you haven't slept for a long time. I'll have Madame Pomfrey come down here to address your wounds."

Not having any fight left in him, Severus allowed himself to be led to his bed. He crawled on top on the blankets and rested his head on the pillow. He was asleep before Dumbledore left the room. He didn't see that Dumbledore had repaired the broken canister and managed to magically transfer the lotion from the wall and floor back into the container.

* * *

Author's Note: I tried to not leave it at too much of a cliff hanger as it is the holidays and my family is going to be keeping me very busy the next two days. I am going to try to write some more however and post it Friday night. Cross your fingers and wish me luck. The 50,000 word goal still seems so far away. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 


	17. Truth and Offers

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Chapter Seventeen: Truth and Offers 

Lily walked down to the Head Master's office with heavy steps. She had left Harry in McGonagall's care, unwilling to be to left out of the interrogation of Peter. She had received so much information now that her mind had refused to process it. Why had Severus kept that information from her? Did he think she wouldn't forgive him? She stumbled and had to brace herself against the stone wall to keep from falling down.

Of course he would think she wouldn't forgive him. He had apologized before for a indiscretion and she had turned him away. It was only natural for him to think that she would do the same exact thing again. The desire to see him was great, to assure him that forgiveness would come this time, she owed him that much. But she wanted to know what Peter had to say as well. She wanted to hear his reasoning behind his actions.

"Lily, there you are."

She looked up to see Remus coming down the hallway and pushed herself off the wall. Before she could ask any questions, Remus spoke.

"Dumbledore has just given Peter the veritiserum. I was coming to get you to see if you wanted…"

She nodded tightly. "Have you seen Severus?"

"No," Remus walked quietly by her side, "but Dumbledore said he did and that Severus is resting."

"What about his wounds?"

"Poppy was sent to take care of them."

Lily turned towards Remus. "Sent? Where is he?"

"In his room, in Slytherin House."

She nodded but didn't say anything else as they walked up the spiral staircase to the office. When they entered, Sirius was leaning against the deep windowsill, his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Dumbledore was standing in front of Peter who was tied to one of the chairs that was reserved for guests or students.

"Are you sure you want to be here for this?" Dumbledore asked her.

"Yes," she answered. "I need to know why."

Dumbledore gave her a solemn look before turning towards Peter. "Why did you join the Death Eaters?"

His watery eyes darted around the room, pleading to not be asked questions but the veritaserum had already done it's job. "They took me one night. They had captured a muggle, tortured her in so many ways and made me watch. Then finally, the Dark Lord himself turned her own mind against her. The Death Eater's torture lasted hours. When Voldemort took over, it was only fifteen minutes before she went mad and she killed herself with her bare hands. They told me they would do the same to my mother and myself if I didn't act as spy."

"You were the secret keeper," Sirius said lowly. "Why did you betray them?"

"I wanted Snape's position in the circle. He had given the Dark Lord the prophecy which gained him the top most level in the Dark Lord's group. I wanted that position."

"Why?" Dumbledore asked.

Peter looked mutinous for a moment before words spilled out of his mouth. "He got into that position for one reason only: to protect someone he loved. I wanted that position to protect my mother. She was alone and not very adept with magic. She couldn't defend herself if they ever attacked her."

Dumbledore looked weary. "And why did you come here tonight?"

"The Dark Lord sent me to pay Snape a visit, remind him that he had not been forgotten by the Dark Lord. That no place was safe for him, no matter how well protected. I thought," tears leaked from his eyes, "I thought if I had killed the child for him, he would reward me greater than he had anyone before. I could save my mother."

Remus spoke in unusually harsh words. "At the cost of another, Peter. An innocent child."

Dumbledore spoke again. "The Dark Arts book in Severus' room, did you bring that as well?"

"No, that was given to one of students here by her uncle, who is a Death Eater. I only opened it and put it out in the open to either lure him back to us or to incriminate him in your eyes."

"Which student?"

"Holly Avery."

Dumbledore nodded. "Seventh year, Slytherin. Do you know her, Peter?"

"Not that well. She's very frightened of the Dark Lord but everyone in her family is a Death Eater."

Lily was having a hard time trying to wrap her mind around a person she had called friend and trusted with something as sacred as a fidelius charm, had entered the school that night to kill her son. She had heard the saying that absolute power corrupts absolutely but apparently just the promise of absolute power could corrupt that person equally. But according to Peter, the desire that drove both him and Severus was a very respectable one. Peter wanted to protect his mother, a woman who have had no chance of survival if she became a target, but Severus' mother was already dead by the time he joined Voldemort's followers. "Who was it that Severus wanted to protect?"

Peter looked at her with surprise in his features. "You. He knew that the Dark Lord sometimes granted requests of his most faithful as incentive. Everything he did to move himself into that position was for your protection."

"And to hell with James then?" Sirius snapped.

Peter grimaced. "Snape never actively sought out James when he was a Death Eater. If anything he wanted to forget about him completely. Many of us asked him if we caught James would he want us to hold him till Snape could get there and he always turned us down. Snape still loathed James and would have killed him given the chance but he never went out of his way to get to him. All Snape ever cared about was Lily." Peter swallowed convulsively before he finished the statement. "We all thought he held off killing James because he didn't want to cause Lily hurt."

The same feeling of shocking realization came over her again. The open, circular office suddenly became stifling and she needed to get out. Without giving any explanation, she turned and left the office. By the time she had stepped out from behind the gargoyle, she still had no destination in mind so she settled for wandering the halls.

Staircases moved and she stood idly on the steps, waiting for them to stop. Was it treachery to still seek friendship to a man who hated her husband? That the only thing that stayed his hand from killing the man she had married was she herself? But she had been so grateful for having him around now. Yes, Sirius and Remus had been watching after her but they were and always had been James' friends whereas Severus had always been hers. The pain of losing James still hurt with a razor sharp pain but the time she had spent with Severus, walking in the snow and having dinner in the Great Hall, was a salve on that gaping wound in her heart.

He had told Voldemort the prophecy that concerned her son as well as Alice Longbottom's. However, the other side of her mind argued, the prophecy didn't give a name of the child. But by telling Voldemort what the prophecy said meant a child or children would die and she couldn't understand how a man could do that. One word came to mind though: love.

She always had the suspicion when they were at school that he harbored more than just platonic love for her. After fifth year however, she was certain it was just childish misinterpretation of emotions. But what if it wasn't? Peter had pretty much confirmed that under the influence of veritaserum. Was that what drove him to Godric's Hollow that night? Is that why he saved her and Harry? And is that why he was still at the school now, to continue to watch over her? Sirius and Remus were more than willing to risk their lives for her and Harry's safety. Even though they were her friends, their loyalties were first to James. Severus' had always been to her, as proved by his defection from the Death Eaters at great personal risk as proved by the several beatings he had suffered over the last two months. The horrible truth of the matter was that James was gone, no longer able to offer her protection, companionship and support. Severus, however, had mercifully been spared.

She finally had a destination in mind and headed down to the kitchens. She used to know all the names of the house elves in the kitchens but most of the names escaped her tired mind at the moment. One house elf that had ears that stuck straight up and sported a ski slope nose passed in front her and suddenly the name came to Lily.

"Muppy!"

The house elf turned her wide amber eyes up to Lily. "Mistress Evans, whats are you doing up so late?"

"Do you know how to get into the Slytherin dormitory?"

* * *

It was the worst Christmas that Holly could remember. Her parents gave her everything she had asked for and then some, but all the latest clothes, music and jewelry didn't bring her any joy. Instead, she spent most of the afternoon sitting in the expansive library, staring out the oversized picture window that offered the best view of the snow covered landscape. She had a book open and on her lap but it was only there to convince others that she was reading. All she could think about was Severus and what had happened to him.

The man the Dark Lord had called Wormtail had yet to return with news of Severus' fate. Her uncle had come early for Christmas dinner and spoke in hushed tones with her father about Wormtail's lack of appearance and the Dark Lord's wonderment of whether Severus got the best of the man. Holly secretly hoped so. She didn't like the watery eyed man at all.

"Sickle for your thoughts?"

Holly jumped up from the chair in surprise, the book falling to the floor with a thump. Regulus Black had snuck up on her. "What are you doing here?"

He smiled slightly at her abrupt question. "Well, I could say your mother invited my mother but I fear you know my mother's reputation and realize," he sighed dramatically, "that my mother merely invited herself."

Holly gave a little laugh in spite of how much her heart still raced at his sudden appearance.

He bent down at retrieved the book that had fallen from her lap. "'_Fantastic Beats and Where to Find Them.' _Isn't this slightly elementary for you?"

She tried to look affronted and snatched the book out of his hands. "I was merely brushing up on elementary facts."

"You were deep in thought. Worried, I daresay, about something."

Once again he was looking her straight in the eye and she had that feeling of him being genuine in his questioning. "Yes, I am, if you must know."

"After seeing you last night in the Dark Lord's presence I surmised you felt a certain amount of guilt for the possible harm that might come to your Potions substitute teacher."

Holly tore her eyes away from his gray ones and gazed back across the rolling hills blanketed in snow. "I know I shouldn't be worried. He's a traitor to the cause and the Dark Lord."

"But you are worried."

Holly bit her lip and nodded her head. To admit this to the wrong person could mean her death sentence as well as that of her family. She hoped her faith was not misplaced with the youngest Black son. Apparently, it was not as he lightly touched her arm and leaned down to whispered in her ear.

"I can assure you the Mr. Snape, though beaten fairly well, will recover by the time you return to school."

"How do you know this?" It was almost too good to be true. She wasn't sure how she would handle the possible death of a man she had grown to respect, knowing it was by her hand, or rather thoughts, that had condemned him.

Regulus gave her a haughty smile. "Phineus Black was once a Head Master at Hogwarts, though not a very well liked one. Regardless of his lack of popularity, his portrait hangs in the Head Master's office. Being a Black, his other portrait hangs in my home. Thankfully, I am his favorite descendant whom he likes to indulge from time to time."

"So Severus will be fine? No harm done?"

"Nothing that can't be healed over a couple days time."

Relief flooded through her mind and emotions. Regulus had given her the best Christmas gift that day. "Thank you so much for telling me that, Regulus."

"Of course. Now," he looked at the door to the library which was closed, "I hope you can indulge me for a moment."

"With what?"

"Your reaction last night, your fear of the Dark Lord, does that have anything to do with the fact that possibly, forgive me if I'm wrong, that you do not wish to follow in your family's footsteps?"

She swung her head around to face him, heat rising to her face and she couldn't figure out what to say to counter the statement. No matter how many times she opened her mouth, no sound issued forth. Regulus nodded thoughtful.

"I thought so. Please, don't worry about that getting out. I cast a silencing charm on the room when I shut the door and there's no one here but us."

"How did you know?"

He sighed and stared out the window. "I know what that fear feels like. I only wish I had someone there to offer me what I'm about to offer you."

Holly could barely breath, hope of being relinquished from this horrible chain of genetic servitude to a cruel master. "Which is?"

"A way out."

* * *

Hi all! I hope you had a great holiday! I found out I have allergies and a sinus infection...so if I sound a little loopy, it's probably because I am. I'm trying to make sure it doesn't show in the writing. Anyway, you guys rock! I love the reviews! 


	18. The Road Home

Author's Notes: Hi all! I'm sorry this chapter is so short but I felt, as a turning point in the story, it deserved it's own chapter, minus any other characters. And once again, here's the lyrics to a Josh Groban song...everytime I hear this song all I can think of is poor Severus. If you haven't heard the song, I highly suggest you download it. It's a beautiful song.

**Chapter Eighteen: The Road Home**

_A beautiful and blinding morning  
The worl outside begins to breathe  
See clouds arriving without warning  
I need you here to shelter me _

And I know that only time will tell us how  
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you  
Give me more time to feel this way  
We can't stay like this forever  
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless  
If I could stop the winds of change  
If we just keep our eyes wide open  
Then everything would stay the same 

_-Awake, by Josh Groban_

The smell of peppermint had his nose tingling and pulled him out of his coma-like sleep. Well, it was either the scent or the weight on his chest and the fuzzy thing patting his face. Severus opened his eyes to find a black and white cat staring at him with yellow eyes. He never had a cat and didn't think any of the Slytherin students had one. Was he still in his room? Was he still at Hogwarts for that matter? The cat meowed and then head butted him, purring loudly as she rubbed her head against his cheek.

"Oreo, stop that."

Someone pulled the cat off him and he found he was actually enjoying the closeness of the animal. It was something that reacted as if it were truly happy to see him, unafraid to touch him. It brought more comfort than anything else in years. But then he saw those all too familiar green eyes of Lily's staring down at him and remembered the only thing that every soothed his wounds, emotionally or physically. Or, in this case, both.

He expected her to start asking questions, incensed at his omission of the truth. He waited for her to start accusing him of causing the death of her husband and the almost murder of herself and child. Bracing himself for any and every verbal insult or physical pain she was about to rain down on him, Severus waited for Lily, who was now holding the cat close to her, to speak and begin his punishment. When she finally did, it surprised him as much as if she had slapped him across the face.

"How do you feel?"

How did _he_ feel? She had just found out that it was him who delivered the prophecy to Voldemort and Merlin knows what else Pettigrew told her. There were many occasions when he was forced to act the part of a loyal Death Eater, which usually involved the twisted pleasure of causing someone else harm. Pettigrew had been present on multiple occasions and he wondered which ones he decided to regale Lily, Black and Remus with.

But as to how he felt, no one word could describe it. He felt scared that she would reject him again for crimes much worse than calling her a horrible name in anger and humiliation. He felt weary of the constantly trying to prove himself as a respectable human being, both to others as well as to himself. And yet, he also felt hopeful. She was the first thing that he saw when he opened his eyes, and though her face was unreadable at the moment, it had to mean something positive, didn't it?

"Sev? Are you alright?"

"I don't know," he answered truthfully. Whether he was going to be alright or not lay in her hands, just as it always had. "What time is it?"

She looked off to the side briefly. "Four o'clock in the afternoon."

"I guess I missed Christmas morning."

"Christmas was four days ago, Sev."

He sat up in surprise. "Four days ago?! What…what happened?"

She sat back down in a hard backed chair that was sitting next to his bed. "Professor Dumbledore said that you haven't been sleeping very much since you've been here. When Poppy came down to tend to your wounds, she gave you a pretty stiff Draught of Living Death. You were absolutely exhausted, Sev. You can't go that long without sleep."

He idly watched the cat curled up on her lap and close it's amber colored eyes. "What happened to Pettigrew?"

"He was handed over to the Ministry and sent to Azkaban."

"He won't stay there for long."

"What do you mean?"

Severus propped up his pillows and leaned back against them, the unmistakable feeling of drowsiness still clung to his mind. "He's an animangus, a rat, to be specific. He'll slip through the bars and the dementors won't even notice he's gone."

"They know he's an animangus and the animal that he turns into. He's been placed in a special cell to ensure he stays there."

He tried to summon up feelings of relief but all he could think about was how he should be the one sitting in a Azkaban cell. He was just as guilty as Pettigrew. Why was he given forgiveness and a second chance? What made him so different? The cat had decided against napping on Lily's lap and had jumped back onto his bed. "Is this your cat?"

"Yes," she smiled absently. "I thought I had lost her after Ha-Halloween. A squib named Arabella Figg found her and took her in. Apparently, Arabella loves cats so taking in one more wasn't too hard for her. Remus actually found her and gave her back to me Christmas morning. Her name is Oreo."

Severus tried to come up with what a Oreo was but couldn't quite pull the definition from his cloudy mind.

"An Oreo is a muggle cookie, Sev."

Now he remembered. "Your mother used to eat them."

She gave him a slightly surprised look. "You remember that?"

"I remember everything. Sometimes…"

"Go on."

He concentrated on the feel of the cat's fur under his fingertips. "Sometimes it was the only thing that kept me sane, remembering those details. Your mother always had cookies or some other kind of sweet. She never commented on my clothes or hair, only on my lack of weight."

"What other details, Sev?"

He chanced a glance up at her. There was no anger or accusation on her face. In fact, she looked close to crying. He didn't know why this was so important to her but apparently it was. The glassy look of unshed tears urged him to speak honestly and openly for first time.

"Well, I remember how your sister always hid whenever I came over to your house. How she only referred to me as 'that awful boy' whenever she had friends over and how your mother always scolded her for it. Your father showed me how to use a charcoal grill the summer between our fourth and fifth years. But most of all," he closed his eyes, unable to look at her anymore, "I remembered you. Whenever I felt like I was going mad or couldn't sleep because of nightmares, I would sequester myself off from everyone and relive every memory I had of you. The place in the woods by the brook…that was always my favorite."

He called it up in his mind then, the sound of the water running over the stones and the quiet rustles of the leaves overhead. He could still see clearly the sun glinting off the gold strands in her dark red hair and smell the fruity shampoo that she had used as a child. He would spend hours, laying in the grass and watching her, memorizing everything there was to tuck away for when his father's slurred words threatened to overtake him or when the taunting of his peers threatened to break him. That cove in the trees had been his heaven that he was able to only catch snatches of before returning to his purgatory that he called life. "I'd give anything to go back there."

He opened his eyes and stared down at the cat, who had curled up in his blankets and slept soundly. His head hurt and he reached up pinch the bridge of his nose but when he lifted his hand to his face, he found his cheeks were wet and quickly wiped away the tears. Ashamed, he looked over at Lily to see was crying too.

She swallowed visibly. "After all this time?"

How could he tell her he never stopped loving her? That the desire to spend hours studying her had never faded. There really was only one word that summed up years of devotion. "Always."

She stood up from the chair and sat down next to him on the bed. He was afraid she was getting ready to tell him she was leaving Hogwarts or that she thought they should once again go their separate ways. He couldn't take her walking out of his life again. He was already doing a mental check of all the potion ingredients he would need for a swift poison when she put her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

"Then we'll just have to go back to our spot by the creek."

Relief flooded through him at her acceptance and he buried his face against her neck. No longer smelling of the fruity shampoo but rather vanilla, peppermint and baby powder. It was almost like returning home, or how he would have thought it would feel since he never really had a home to begin with. Hogwarts was the closest thing to a home but even there he was an outcast. Home was about unconditional acceptance, love and contentment. Everything that he found in Lily's embrace. He knew he wasn't there to stay yet, but he was definitely on the road home now.

_And I know that only time will tell me how  
We'll carry on without each other _

So keep me awake for every moment  
Give us more time to be this way  
We can't stay like this forever  
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me  
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

We can't stay this way forever  
But I have you here today

And I will remember  
Oh I will remember  
Remember all the love we shared today

_-Awake, by Josh Groban_


	19. Bridges Built

**Author's Note: **I just had to say a huge thank you to all my reviewers! This story has now become my most reviewed story ever! That brought tears to my eyes, as well as all your kind words! Thank you so very much! And to Support Severus Snape, I actually put "Guardian Angel" on repeat on my computer and then just played it over and over again on my mp3 player when I write. That is definately a Severus/Lily song. Believe it or not, I actually make soundtracks for all my stories...Silly, I know but hey, it works. ;-)

**Chapter Nineteen: Bridges Built**

The students would be returning to Hogwarts in just a few days and Severus, having lost some time sleeping and recovering, had taken up almost a permanent station in the wood paneled staff room. He still had the sixth and seventh year's essays that needed to be graded and the replacement ingredients had just been delivered that day and needed to be put away. The grading would have gone faster that night if Lily's cat had left him in peace. However, Oreo had dumped the inkwell on the table (thankfully missing the parchments of essays) and wouldn't stop playing with the end of his quill.

"I thought I would find her in here."

He looked up to see Lily stepping into the room. "Who? The cat?"

She nodded and picked up the said animal from the table. "I saw on the map that you were in here and since I couldn't find her in the Tower, I figured she was with her new best friend."

"I don't know why she likes me."

Lily gave him a sly smile as she sat down at the table with him. "I'm sure it has nothing to do with the treats you feed her when you think no one is looking."

He sometimes wondered if she was legilimens. He always snuck food out of the Great Hall and broke off pieces of whatever meat they had that day or a sweet roll if it was breakfast, giving it to Oreo throughout the day. As far as he could remember, he only indulged the feline in private. "Where's Harry?"

"Asleep. You do realize that it's ten o'clock, right?"

He dropped the quill and rubbed his face. "You're kidding. I'm never going to get this all done before Professor Slughorn comes back."

"Sev, I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him that you were beaten up by Peter Pettigrew and took a few days to recover. I'll even tell him if you want."

"No, that's fine," he tried to look his most pathetic, "I guess I just need your permission to stay up past my bedtime." Ever since his four day "nap," Lily had imposed an eleven o'clock curfew on him to ensure he was getting rest. He was unbelievably shocked to find out one night, leaving his room to raid the kitchen around midnight, that she had set a caterwauling charm on his room.

"How about this, you pass me the sixth year's essays and I'll do them while you finish grading up the seventh year's." She dropped the cat down onto the floor, who mewed in protest, and picked up the stack of essays he had been grading. They worked together in companionable silence, the scratch of quills on parchment and the occasionally meow from the cat, filled the room.

Usually he found grading the essays tedious work, but tonight was completely different. As he and Lily sat in the empty room, he reverted back into the child that spent the quiet times between them listening to her steady breathing and relishing the scent of peppermint and that unique scent of the outdoors that was solely Lily. He indulged himself in a moment of quiet with her. He doubted she was even aware of it but the time she had been spending with him since the Pettigrew fiasco was slowly unraveling years of pent up frustration and despair. She was expertly weaving a tapestry of contentment and, he was afraid to admit, happiness in these shared moments like this one.

"What are you thinking about?"

He lifted his head and feigned confusion. "What was that?"

She propped up her head on her hand, leaning her elbow on the table. "You were daydreaming. Care to share?"

She really did know him better than he knew himself. "No, not really."

"Are you keeping things from me?"

Her tone was light and playful but he regarded her in extreme seriousness. "Never again."

She blushed slightly under his gaze and he immediately felt guilty as she returned back to the grading with an air of deep concentration. He had asked Muppy the house elf to keep an eye on Lily only to discover the creature had been doing it already. Muppy had reported to him that Lily still cried herself to sleep at night, the only time during the day now that she allowed herself to vent those emotions.

"Oy, there you are!" Black burst into the room and Severus turned his eyes back down to the essay in front of him and frowned deeply.

"Is Harry awake?" Lily asked, no emotion showing in her voice.

"No," Black sauntered into the room and dropped himself into a chair across from them. "You left the map out on your bed and I saw you were here with good old Snivelly. Just making sure you're al- Hey!"

Severus looked up just in time to see Lily hurl the ink well across the table. Black ducked just in time (pity) and the bottle smashed against the wall, leaving a large black, runny spot on the wood paneling.

"What the bloody hell was that for?"

Severus tried to stifle his laughter with a cough. He never remembered seeing Black so incensed.

"I've already had this discussion with you, Sirius. If you can't behave like an adult, get out." Lily flicked her wand and the ink well reassembled itself and filled with ink again, settling back on the table in front of her. "Who's watching Harry?"

Black actually looked afraid to speak. "Remus."

"I'm helping Severus," she emphasized his name, "grade some essays and then I'll be back up."

"Alright," he turned to go but stopped at the door. "Oh, I wanted to tell you I got a letter from my brother today."

"Regulus?" Both Lily and Severus answered with the name.

Black's eyes narrowed at Severus. "I forgot he was a buddy of yours. Were you the one that recruited him, Sni-, uh Severus?"

"Your brother didn't need recruiting, Black. If anyone was responsible for his induction into the Dark Lord's circle it would be your parents."

"So what did the letter say?" Lily asked.

Black stared at Severus. "I'll tell you when you come up to the Tower," he said before finally exiting the room.

Severus tapped his quill against his hand a few times. "Nice shot with the ink well."

Lily grimaced slightly. "I've had a lot of practice these last few days."

Guilt once again came over him. Nothing pleasant ever lasted long for him. "He's giving you a hard time for being nice to me, spending time with me."

"And I'm giving him a hard time right back." She smiled. "I can take care of myself."

Yes, he supposed she could.

* * *

Regulus wasn't surprised when Albus Dumbledore arrived at the entrance of Hogwarts with a small contingent of his men. Mad Eye Moody, the Prewett brothers and his own dear brother. He allowed them to search him physically and well as magically. He could always count on Moody to have a sneak-a-scope, foe glass and his magical eye to make sure he had nothing on him that could cause harm to any of them. Without them having to ask, he presented his wand to Dumbledore, silently handing it over. Without taking it but giving him a hard stare, Dumbledore shook his head.

"That won't be necessary, Mr. Black," the Head Master said. "I believe your intentions are true. But forgive me if I ask that we talk in the game keeper's home instead of the castle."

Regulus repocketed his wand. "That would be fine." He walked side by side with Dumbledore, suddenly feeling uneasy about this. He had decided to follow Snape's example by seeking refuge with Albus Dumbledore, especially after Pettigrew got himself caught and shipped off to Azkaban. He had been around Voldemort enough now to know that the only thing the Dark Lord feared was death and Dumbledore. The students had yet to return to the school, so no loyal Slytherin students would see him on the grounds. It still didn't help him shake this uneasy feeling. Hagrid, the large game keeper, opened the door to the small hut as they approached.

"Ah, thank you, Hagrid," Dumbledore greeted. "Your opening up of your home is greatly appreciated."

"Anything I can do ter help, ya know that."

Regulus took a seat around the large table and waited for everyone else to settle in while he gathered his thoughts. Surprisingly, it was his brother that spoke first.

"What is this about, Reg?" Sirius pulled out the letter he had sent and threw it on the table. "Suddenly you want to change sides. Why the change of heart?"

"I only just discovered I had one actually. I can't stand listening to Mum and Dad anymore. Now that Snape defected they keep pushing me to move into the position. I don't want to. I don't want to be part of this anymore. Also, there's this girl. She wants out as much as I do. If you don't believe me with what I have to tell you and if you're unwilling to protect me at least protect her."

"Is she marked yet?" Dumbledore asked.

"No, not yet. He won't give students the Dark Mark. He considers them too close to you and fears you'll convert them back to your way of thinking and turn them spy for you."

Dumbledore seemed to think for a moment before he spoke again. "Holly Avery."

Regulus nodded. "Yes, that's her. She's graduating this spring and will be initiated then unless she's offered a refuge."

"If this is her desire," Dumbledore nodded, "I will offer it. But why her?"

Regulus smiled and felt like almost embarrassed and yet also relieved to admit it verbally. "I'm, uh, I'm in love with her. She doesn't know yet, but-"

"Charming," Sirius said, though Regulus recognized the tone to infer he thought it was anything but. "What was the rest of letter about? What are horcruxes and what do they have to do with Voldemort?"

Regulus shifted in his chair. "As best as I can understand it, a horcrux is an object that a dark wizard can encase a part of his soul in when it splinters off after he commits a murder. I have reason to believe that Voldemort has made six horcruxes."

"And how do you know this?" Dumbledore asked.

Regulus looked at his hands. The story still left him sickened. "The Dark Lord recruited our house elf, Kreacher. The poor thing came back half dead and it took me three days to find out what exactly happened. Apparently, one of the horcruxes is a locket and one of the protections that he placed on the locket is a potion. He placed the locket in a basin filled with this potion that causes desperate thirst, pain and near madness. If you manage to drink the potion enough to take the locket, you're so driven by thirst that you go to the lake to drink. Only the lake is infested with Inferi. He needed Kreacher to test the potion as house elves are expendable." Regulus spat the last word.

Mad Eye Moody stared down at the sneak-a-scope which hadn't lit up a flash or moved an inch. He gave Dumbledore a curt nod.

"Very well," the Head Master said, standing up. "If you don't mind, I would like to place you into hiding until I can confirm this information. Professor Slughorn will be returning tomorrow and there are issues I wish to discuss with him before I give you a final answer. I trust this is acceptable to you?"

Relief seemed to overwhelm him. "Yes, it is more than acceptable."

"Do you know what the other horcruxes are?"

Sirius handed the letter to Dumbledore. "He listed them all in the letter."

"Excellent," Dumbledore pocketed the parchment and bid everyone good night. Sirius stood up, annoyance written on his face.

"Come on, I'll show you where we're going to stash you."


	20. The Quest Begins

**Chapter Twenty: The Quest Begins**

Lily watched Sirius pace back and forth in front of the stone pillars of the school. She and Remus had agreed to wait with him until Regulus came back. According to the younger Black, the boat that crossed the Inferi invested lake could only carry one adult and one small person or creature. Or, Lily nibbled on her thumbnail, an animangus.

She still wasn't sure if she was angry at Severus for not telling her he too was an animangus. Regulus had been very vague about this cave by the sea where the locket horcrux was located. The only thing that disturbed her so much as to forget her anger at Sev was the description of the potion that had to be drunk before the locket could be taken. They knew how it affected a house elf but not a human.

"They should have been back by now," Sirius was saying. "I don't like this. We shouldn't have let Snape go with him."

"I'm sure they're fine, Sirius," Remus soothed. "We don't know how far away this cave is or how long it'll take for them to get to the lake."

"I don't trust Snape."

Lily went to say that Severus had proved himself more trustworthy than Regulus had but Remus laid a hand on her arm and shook his head. When Sirius was a reasonable distance away from them, Remus started whispering.

"Sirius has been getting letters from Regulus for the last month or so. That's why he's been so on edge lately and taking things out on Severus. He couldn't vent his frustration with his brother on you or Harry so Severus became the proverbial punching bag."

"What about you?"

"Oh, we've had words, don't worry. He's been very hard to deal with lately. He even tore into Dumbledore a couple weeks ago."

"Why is he so upset?"

Remus sighed tiredly, the dim light making his young face look even more haggard. "He feels responsible for Regulus' choice in affiliation. After we left school, he tried to reconnect with Regulus but it was too late by then. He's been climbing the walls trying to figure out how to get to Regulus before Voldemort caught on to his change of allegiance. Unfortunately, as always, Severus had been the nearest target."

"That needs to stop, Remus. I know he's been worried but that doesn't give him free reign to act like a schoolboy."

"I totally agree. But after ten years of trying to dissuade Sirius and James from harassing Severus, I'm growing weary of it. Besides, Severus has changed and he's showing he's a bigger man than Sirius, which should straighten out Sirius. Especially now that he has his brother to consume his time and energy."

Lily watched Sirius continue his nervous walk around the perimeter of the apparition point. "Ten years is a long time to play rule enforcer. At least James gave you a year off."

"Not really," Remus laughed and then realized what he had said.

It was an underhanded way to get to the truth but it worked. "James never let up on Severus, did he?"

Remus rubbed the back of his neck. "No, he didn't. He was just more careful about it."

Lily crossed her arms. "He told me he backed off."

"James knew you didn't want-"

"I wasn't speaking of James, although he did say that too."

Remus looked momentarily confused before a look of disbelief replaced it. "Severus told you James backed off?"

Lily rubbed her forehead. "I asked him straight out and he just agreed. I should have known. He paused before he answered me. I didn't think he would lie about that. It was the whole reason why I asked him."

"I guess I need to give him the respect that's due. He really is the bigger man."

"Who is?" Sirius had come back towards them during the conversation. Lily looked him straight in the eye.

"Severus."

Sirius looked like he was about to say something to contradict that when two loud cracks sounded followed by an anguished cry. Severus appeared out of the darkness, struggling to carry a thrashing and screaming Regulus.

"What happened?" Sirius asked, rushing over to his tortured brother. "What did you do to him?"

"Where's Poppy? He's need Poppy!" Severus shouted over Sirius.

Lily drew her wand, a stag burst from the tip, though it wasn't as brilliant as before. Regulus was still thrashing around on the ground, screaming as if he was caught in a nightmare. He was saying words but Lily couldn't make them out. Sirius had his arms wrapped around Regulus' shoulders while Severus was laying across his legs.

"How about a cheering charm?" Lily asked.

"Already tried," came a grunted reply from Severus.

Poppy came running through the gates, a black bag slung over her shoulder. "What happened?"

Remus switched places with Severus so he could speak with Poppy. "He drank a security potion. Greenish in color, made him terribly thirsty and apparently also makes him relive horrible memories. I tried a cheering charm and a bezoar."

"It's not a poison then," Poppy opened her bag and pulled out a large glass bottle of clear liquid. She pulled the cork and tipped all the contents into his mouth. "Or something that can be charmed away."

"Another potion then?" Severus asked.

"Wait," Poppy dropped the empty bottle back into her bag and watched Regulus with a trained eye. The thrashing started to ease and the screaming died off to faint moans and groans. Poppy stood up. "Apparently, all he really did need was water. I have a bed prepared in the hospital wing if you wouldn't mind carrying him."

Sirius hefted him over his shoulder, brushing off Remus and Severus' offer to help him. Lily watched the nurse and the brothers disappear into the night before turning towards Severus. She was surprised to see how tired he looked.

"What happened?" she asked.

"It was exactly as he said," Severus answered. "There was a cave off of the sea. There was a boat that had been magically enchanted to only let a certain amount of magic ability to cross the lake. Thank Merlin Voldemort over estimates his abilities. My transforming lessened the amount of the magic so Regulus and I were able to cross the lake without an issue. At first I thought that he wanted me to drink the potion, which I had been prepared to do but he insisted he do it."

"Why?" Remus asked.

"He said he was smaller than me, easier to carry back. I put a body bind on him, threw him into the boat and pushed off as hard as I could before transforming. Thankful, someone was looking out for us tonight, and we reached the other side where I crawled out, transformed back and carried him here. It was hairy, but we managed to leave the Inferi undisturbed."

"And you got the locket?" Lily asked. Severus reached into his robes and pulled out a gold locket. Even in the dim light, she could see the scripted "S" on the front of it.

"I'm guessing this is an authentic horcrux. I tried opening it and it won't budge." Severus seemed to pale a few shades. "The sooner we get it to Dumbledore the better."

Lily didn't like the pinched look to Severus' face, almost as if being near the locket was making him uneasy. But she supposed if she was holding onto a piece of Voldemort's soul, it would leave her uneasy as well. She squeezed his arm and was surprised when he jumped slightly at the contact. She hide her uneasiness with a smile.

"I'm glad you both made it back, Sev."

He seemed to relax somewhat. "Thank you."

"So," Remus said, starting the trek back up to the castle, "what kind of animal is it you turn into?"

Severus' eyes were still on the locket that was clasped in his hand. "A spider."

Remus nodded. "Better than a werewolf."

* * *

Severus didn't like this feeling at all. He would have much rather had Regulus in possession of the locket but the younger Black would not have been capable of keeping it so the task fell to him. At first he had tried wearing it but he felt an all too familiar darkness creep over him and he quickly removed it, shoving it in his pockets. But even then he could still hear the quiet siren's call of the soul trapped within. 

Now that he had taken it out and held it in his hand, the desire to put it away had completely left him. There was so much power in the locket he could practically feel it pulsing in his hand. Perhaps this was what he had been searching for among the Death Eaters: the power to protect the one he loved.

Regulus had said himself that he didn't know how to destroy the horcrux which meant someone had to guard it. Why not him? Perhaps it was the boost he needed to set everything right. He slowed his steps until he was a few paces behind Lily and Remus. When they had started up a conversation and he was certain he was out of earshot and visual range, he slipped the gold chain over his head and tucked the locket underneath his robes.

The jolt of power he felt was intoxicating. Severus would be the first one to admit that Voldemort was indeed a powerful wizard and to add just a sliver of that power to his own could easily put him on the same level as Albus Dumbledore or Voldemort himself. No more would he be the greasy little Dark Arts loving oddball. No, he would be a force to be reckoned with. He would have a chance to wipe that insufferable smirk off of Lucius' face. Show Mulciber and Avery what it felt like to be on the other end of a beating. And then there was Black and Lupin.

True, Lupin had treated him with respect and a touch of remorse but that didn't absolve him of all the times he stood back and let James and Sirius torment him. It really was a pity that James was dead, he really would liked to even the score between them. He guessed he would just have to give Sirius James' portion of the punishment.

They entered the castle and Severus merely followed Lily and Remus, realizing a moment too late that they were heading towards the hospital wing. Black came out into the hallway and greeted them and Severus merely hung back, arms crossed and leaning against the wall.

"How is he, Sirius?" Lily asked.

"He'll be fine. He woke up shortly after we got up here and told me the whole story." Sirius looked over Severus. "I, uh, I guess I need to thank you."

Severus' eyebrows shot up. "You do?"

"You saved my brother's life back there. You could have left him for dead and taken the locket for yourself but you didn't and I," Sirius' face tightened as if he had eaten something sour, "I appreciate that."

"You lucky it was Regulus and not you," Severus said, enjoying the look of confusion on Sirius' face. "I would have tossed you into the lake and let the Inferi have at you."

Lily gasped. "Severus! That's a horrid thing to say."

"You ungrateful git," Sirius snapped. "I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything better from you."

Lily's admonishment caused a brief swell of remorse. He felt as if there two people warring inside of his head at the moment. One was screaming "what are you doing?" while the other egged him on, reminding him of all the times Sirius and James had bested him. He felt that familiar sneer grace his face.

"What exactly did you want my reaction to be, Black?" Severus pushed himself off the wall and paced a circle around him. "Did you expect me to fall down on my knees and praise every deity there is because you finally threw me a scrap of respect? Or perhaps weep for joy at your sudden acceptance? Or did you expect," he turned the sneer into a full fledged look of disgust, "a hug?"

Sirius' grey eyes narrowed into slits. "Forgive me for being caught up in the grief over the loss of my best friend as well as trying to save my little brother from a similar fate. Whenever I'm trying to keep everything together, myself included, I'll be sure to be sure to pay you a social call and listen to all your troubles."

"You are my trouble."

Sirius grabbed the front of Severus' robe and threw him against the wall. "Well you certainly made damn sure James wasn't going to give you trouble at all. Tell me what happened! Tell me how you killed him!"

Severus glared daggers at Black. "I didn't have the honor."

Black released him, disgusted and horrified. Severus straightened his robes and turned to see Lily standing next to him. Her eyes were furious but sparkling with tears, her face white.

"'Didn't have the honor?'"

"Lily-"

A crack echoed down the hallway and Severus held a hand up to his stinging cheek. While part of him couldn't believe she had hit him, another part thanked her for it.

"Wait a minute," Remus said, stepping forward. Severus was still recovering from the slap in the face that he didn't push Remus away when the werewolf reached for his neck. With a quick tug, the gold chain broke and Remus was holding the locket.

Severus fell back against the wall, feeling as if someone had hit him in the stomach. That extra burst of power was gone and it left him breathless. Everything he had said under the influence of the locket came rushing back to his mind's eye and he was suddenly horrified at the words that came out of his mouth.

"I'm sorry," he gasped, running his fingers through his hair and tugging at his scalp. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean…" he looked up to see Remus' wearily sad face, Sirius' outraged one and the back of Lily as she took off down the corridor at a run.

"Sure you didn't," Sirius snarled before going back into the infirmary.

Severus sank down to the floor, burying his face in his hands. No matter how many times he apologized this time, the damage had been done and it was irreparable.

* * *

I am an evil, _evil _person... 


	21. Forgiveness

**Chapter Twenty-One: Forgiveness**

Remus found Lily sitting in the Gryffindor common room, staring blankly into the roaring fire. Harry was in his pajama's, sucking his thumb and trying not to fall asleep on her lap. Her eyes were red-rimmed with dark smudges underneath of them.

"I don't know what to do, Remus."

He wasn't certain she had even been aware of his presence. The hollowness of her voice scared him and he wondered how many blows a person can suffer before they collapse completely. Quietly, he went and sat down on the overstuffed couch next to her. Harry turned his droopy eyes towards him and immediately stretched out his arms. Smiling slightly, Remus picked up the boy and tucked him into the crook of his arm. Lily didn't even seem to notice Harry had left her lap. "The things that Severus said were strictly under the influence of the horcrux."

Her eyes fluttered tiredly. "I know that. But didn't he have to feel some of those things in order for them to be manipulated."

Remus took a deep breath. "I spoke with Dumbledore shortly after Severus came here. Dumbledore told me about his conversation with Severus that night and I think it is a safe assumption that we both trust Dumbledore's insight. He said that Snape showed true remorse over James' death. With the state that Severus was in, Dumbledore was even able to use legilimens on him and confirmed those emotions as true."

"Why? Why would he be remorseful? He hated James."

Remus shifted on the couch, trying not to jostle the now sleeping Harry but still trying to release some of his nervousness. "Lily, you have to know how Severus feels about you by now."

She dropped her head into her hands and rubbed her temples. "What does that have to with his feelings towards James?"

"The thing that Severus fears the most is seeing you hurt, emotionally or physically. He may not have been grieving over James' death but he most certainly has been tortured by watching you grieve. If he could have saved James in order to stop you from feeling pain, I believe he would have. And so does Dumbledore."

"It doesn't make sense, Remus." She sniffed and he realized with a jolt that she was crying. "How can he feel that way and make the choices he made? I thought he loved me when he chose the Dark Arts over me. How do you explain that?"

Remus didn't have an explanation for that. "I can't but I know someone who can. Look, I feel like my entire world has been turned upside down right now. I've been fighting with Sirius and holding real conversations with Severus." He smiled wanly. "The world really is coming to an end."

Lily have a short laugh and brushed her tears away. "I still don't know what to do. He was such a good friend and I cared about him. I still do but I can't help but feel…"

"Guilty?"

"James never understood why Severus and I were friends to begin with. I can't imagine what he would think now."

"Maybe you shouldn't be thinking about that right now. Sirius has a second chance with his brother. You have a second chance with Severus. Life doesn't normally hand us second chances so it's important to take them when they're offered."

"I don't know if I can love him the same way he loves me. I can't even think about something like that right now."

"Then don't. What I meant was start rebuilding the friendship again. What happened tonight was not his fault." Remus shifted and pulled out a handkerchief. He unfolded it to reveal the locket. "Here, just hold it for a minute."

She gave him a disbelieving look before taking the locket into her hand. The look on her face changed almost immediately. It was the same strained, distant look that Severus had before the darkness took over. Remus reached over and firmly yanked the jewelry from her hand and refolded it up into the handkerchief. Lily gave him a surprised look.

"I didn't expect…I didn't think it would be that powerful."

"My thoughts are, neither did Severus."

* * *

She found him by using the Marauders Map and could barely believe what her eyes were showing her. She brought an extra heavy wool cloak with her out to the lake and as she neared where Severus was sitting, she was thankful she did. He was sitting in the snow by the base of a leafless tree, looking out at the frozen surface of the lake…no cloak, scarf or gloves. He was just hunched over, shivering like the perfect black and white image of misery.

"Sev?"

He didn't even acknowledge her. Without saying anything else, she went over to him and silently wrapped the cloak around his shoulders and sat down on the cold ground beside him, still keeping her arm around his thin, shaking shoulders. He still didn't say anything and his curtains of black hair hid his face from her view.

"Sev, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have h-hit you."

"I deserved it," came the whispered response.

"No, no you didn't. I was wrong. I didn't think about it being the locket. Please, look at me at least."

He shook his head. "No, just leave me be."

Lily noticed he was still shivering and hit him with a warming charm. "Look, I've really enjoyed these last few days with you. I love that we're able to be friends again. I've really missed you."

He didn't say anything at all, but continued his shaking even after the warming charm. An uneasy feeling settled in her stomach and she slide her arm from around his shoulders and grabbed a hold of his arm. "Sev. Sev, what's going on?"

He sagged against the tree with a low groan. His thin arms which had been wrapped around his torso fell to his side. She looked at the long fingered hand and noticed how it was the same color of the snow but then the snow started to change color from pure white to crimson red.

"Sev!" She grabbed his arm and shoved his sleeve up to see a large gash across his wrist. Blindly, she reached for his other wrist and found it was in the same condition. She fumbled with her wand, her fingers numb from the cold. "Sev, please, please don't die. Not now." She started a healing charm but he had enough strength in him to pull his arm away from her.

"Let me go," he whispered. "Can't take this any more."

"Take what?" Lily still was fumbling through the fabric of the cloak and his shirt. "Take what, Sev?"

"You being…" he took a great shuddering breath, "so angry."

"I'm not angry with you," she finally found his wrist again and yanked it towards her, murmuring the healing charm he taught her when she healed the gash on his back. "Please, Sev. Believe me." She snatched up his other wrist started the healing charm on that one. They weren't completely healed but it would enough till she got him up to the school. "Sev! Please, can you get up?"

He made a feeble attempt to push her away before he collapsed completely onto the snow covered ground. She tried screaming his name to wake him up, even using a revenerate charm but nothing worked.

"What the bloody hell is going on out here?"

Lily turned to see Sirius had made his way out into the cold, followed closely by Remus. She stumbled her way to Sirius and grabbed a hold of the front of his robes. She knew she must look half mad and truth be told, she felt that she was.

"Sirius, please, you have to get him up the castle. Please."

"If you don't do it," Remus said, already walking towards Severus' prone form, "I will."

Sirius looked torn. "Lily, honestly. What would James think about this? It's Snape, for Merlin's sake. You know how many times he hexed us?"

"Not the exact number no, but I do remember you sending him down the passageway of the Whomping Willow." Lily shoved him away from her, forcing him to stumble a few paces away from her. She was screaming at this point but didn't really care. "You could have killed him! Or at least infected him! And did you ever consider how that would have made Remus feel? No," she answered before he had a chance. "Severus is to me what James was to you. He's my friend, my _best _friend and I love him."

"Padfoot," Remus called, "he's in bad shape. You going to help me or not?"

Sirius stared at Lily, not quite sure what to make of her rant. After a few heartbeats, he nodded his head and helped Remus carry the pale, unconscious form of Severus back up to the castle. She followed behind them, suddenly feeling too exhausted to put on foot in front of the other. The walk back to the hospital wing seemed to take forever but they finally made it. Poppy looked unsurprised to see who her patient was again and merely went about healing up the wounds on his wrists the rest of the way, applying dittany and forcing a blood replenishing potion down his throat.

Lily pulled up a chair beside the bed while Sirius went over to check on his brother and Remus returned to the Tower to continue watching over Harry. Lily refused to be budged from her chair, even when Poppy insisted she sleep in a bed. Stubbornly shaking her head, she grabbed a hold of Severus' cold hand and refused to let it go. When sleep was about to finally win it's battle, she merely rested her head on the side of the bed, never letting go of what had almost been taken from her.

* * *

Severus opened his eyes and was slightly depressed to realize that the afterlife looked a lot like the Hogwarts infirmary. After a few blinks, all the familiar aches and pains came back to him and he realized it wasn't the afterlife…it was just the infirmary. Again. He really had seen enough of this place.

He moved his one hand and held it up to look at the damage. Poppy had done a great job healing up the scars on his pale wrist, it didn't even look like a scar would form. He tried to lift the other one only to find he couldn't. A slight wave of panic overtook him until the pale face of Lily came into focus. An intense stab of pain went through his heart. The reason he wanted to end this life and get into the other as quickly as possible, was now laying over his left arm.

The truth of the matter was very simple: he loved her more than anything this world had to offer. She only saw him as a friend. He had hoped that she at least had loved him as friend and perhaps when they were children, she had. Love erases those mistakes that you make and immediately regret because the one who loves you recognizes your weaknesses and compensates for them.

She should have known him better than to take the "mud blood" to heart as she did. She should have known the words he spoke last night were under the influence of something much stronger than any liquor or drug. She should have known how much he loved her, that anything and everything he had done in his life had ultimately been for her benefit. But apparently she didn't and his heart couldn't take it anymore.

It was a cowards way out and he hated himself even more because of it, if that was even possible for him to hate himself more than he did last night. If she hadn't found him, he would have died peacefully, in the snow by the lake where he lost her with that slip of the tongue. It seemed a fitting end in his mind but once again the cruel fate that ran the universe decided it wanted it's favorite yo-yo to play with still.

So here he lies, staring into the face of the beautiful angel that drove him to absolute and complete ruin. If she wanted to spend the rest of her days hitting, punching and scratching him, he was resigned to stand there quietly and let her do it. Just as long as he could steal moments like these, where sleep had effectively erased the lines of grief, worry and pain from her face. She still looked so much like that freckled little girl who hung onto his every word. How he wished she would do that again.

She stirred and her brilliant green eyes glinted in the early morning sun that was streaming through the large windows. She sat up from the bed and rubbed her eyes, taking in the surroundings with a weary air just as he had. When her eyes finally rested on him, he didn't know if he should smile, frown or pretend to be asleep still.

"How do you feel?" she asked, her delicate fingers wrapping around his forearm.

How did he feel? Broken inside, like there were too many pieces that couldn't be put back together again. He had tried piecing himself together before but it seemed every time he tried, there was always one or two pieces that went missing and he kept being less and less of the man he wanted to be. So how did he feel? To put it into eloquent phrasing, "Like shit."

"I know the feeling."

He doubt she knew the extent of his feelings but he didn't say so. She was absently rubbing her thumb in small circles on his forearm and he tried to stay dead still so as not to discourage the touch. He closed his eyes and fell into the private fantasy that this was just a regular morning, one of hundreds that he had woken up to: Lily at his side. He allowed himself a small smile before he blurted out, "I love you, Lily."

"I love you too, Sev."

She had said the words but not with nearly the emotion that he felt for her. She loved him as a friend, nothing more but nothing less either. It would have to be enough for now. Perhaps she still held those missing pieces of himself and could one day restore to him to what he could have been.


	22. Unexpected Surprises

**Chapter Twenty Two: Unexpected Surprises**

The students had returned to the school and with them, the work load increased for Severus. He had to practically bribe Dumbledore and Lily into keeping their silence concerning his…stint by the lake. The last person he wanted to find out about it was Professor Slughorn. He liked the man, he really did, but he tended to fuss when there was no need. He didn't want to be coddled or have the work load lessened because he was deemed "metal fragile." He merely wanted to go on with his life, pushing yet another bad choice towards the back of his mind.

He couldn't explain it but something had changed that night. Lily had continued spending time with him and now that classes had started, the days she didn't see him he could count on a note being dropped off at night. At first he found it annoying, the way she felt she had to check in with him everyday, but now he found he looked forward to getting her letters in the evenings he wasn't able to physically talk to her. He had spoken with Dumbledore about it, concerned she was coping with her grief by focusing on something, or someone in his case, else. But the Head Master had assured him that Lily was having sessions with him just as Severus was and Dumbledore was certain that she was dealing with her grief in a very positive manner.

"Mr. Snape!"

He immediately recognized Holly Avery's voice and relaxed his facial muscles. She hadn't spoken to him at all since she returned from the holidays and he wanted to convey to her that he wasn't angry with her in the least. Regulus had told him she was scared to death of seeing him again, fearing his infamous wrath although Severus never recalled losing his temper with any of the students.

"Yes, Miss Avery?"

She looked at him with wide blue-grey eyes, surprise on her features. "Um, are you alright?"

He smiled slightly. "Yes, quite. And you?"

Her face broke out in a huge grin. "I was so worried…my uncle-"

Severus held up a hand to stop her from saying anymore. "I know. It's fine. Did you have a good holiday?"

"Yes, I did. Oh, I almost forgot," she handed him an envelope. "I was asked to give you this."

He didn't take it from her, still wary of accepting anything from her. She must have realized this and laughed. "I promise, it came from a friend. A…red headed friend."

He really needed to learn who to be suspicious of and who not to be. Holly gave him another smile as he took the note and then went to catch up with her friends further down the hallway. Severus broke the sealing enchantment on the parchment and was greeted with the jolt of excitement at seeing Lily's handwriting.

_Sev,_

_Dumbledore would like to see us later on tonight, around eight. He didn't say what this meeting is about. Do you know? See you then!_

_Lily_

A meeting at eight that night? And did the "us" stand for him and her or where others going to be there? He pulled out his quill and wrote out his reply quickly on the same parchment.

_Lily,_

_I have no idea what the meeting is about. I guess we'll find out when we get there. _

_Sev_

He waved down the closest Gryffindor and handed them the note. "Do you know who Lily Potter is?"

"Of course, sir." The boy looked to be a first, maybe second year, and was scared to death. Was he really that intimidating?

"Could you please give her this when you see her in the common room?"

"S-sure."

He was going to thank the kid but he took off like a newly released snitch. Shrugging, he looked at his watch and found he only had three hours to grade yet more homework essays before going to the meeting. Usually he graded in the potions classroom in case a student wanted extra help or was just experimenting and wanting someone who knew what they were doing nearby but if that was the case tonight, he wouldn't finish in time. He headed up to the teacher's staff room instead. Thankfully, it was empty and he dumped the stack of papers down on to the desk.

Due to the constrictive time limit he could afford no distractions so he transfigured an extra quill into a band and tied his hair back. It was getting longer and longer, brushing his shoulder blades now, but he hadn't had a chance to cut it yet. Besides, Lily had made a passing comment that she liked it longer so any idea of cutting it quickly left his mind.

"No distractions," he reminded himself. Lily was definitely a distraction and he reluctantly pushed her to the back of his mind and pulled the top essay towards him. As he graded, the light in the wood paneled room dimmed and soon the wall scones lit on their own. He was three quarters of the way through the grading when someone cleared their throat. Looking up, he saw Professor McGonagall standing straight backed and prim at the door.

"Yes, Professor?"

"Professor Dumbledore sent me to fetch you as it is quarter past eight."

Severus looked his watch again and sure enough it read quarter past eight. "I'm so sorry Professor-"

"That's quite alright. You may leave the essays right there if you wish. They will not disturb anyone."

He nodded. "Thank you, Professor." He followed her all the way up to Dumbledore's office. He didn't have much interaction with McGonagall, although he knew she had been the most vocal in her suspicions of his recant. However, not once had she shown him disrespect or distain and for that he appreciated her. She had always been a hard teacher, expecting the best from her students and she usually got it. Although he would never admit it to anyone, but he had taken her strictness of the classroom and applied to his own lesson plans when Slughorn gave him the opportunity.

"Your wand please, Mr. Snape."

They had made it to the Head Master's office door and she stood there, hand outstretched. Technically, it wasn't his wand as he was still using the one he took from the fallen Lucius, but it had been serving his purpose for the most part. Quickly, he reached into his robes and handed over the ebony lacquered wand. There were very few people he allowed himself to be unarmed around but she didn't offer him any choice in the matter. She gave him the briefest of smiles and opened the door. He was still processing that odd little smirk when shouts of "Surprise!" assaulted his ears.

Dumbledore's office had been decked out with green and silver streamers, and the ceiling had been enchanted just like the Great Hall to have snow falling from the image of the night sky. All the chairs and spindly legged tables with their instruments had moved to the side of the room to accommodate the small group of people that had gathered. Then he did a head count and realized that small was as understatement, there had to seven or eight people there. Then a horrible thought came to him: he just ruined the surprise for McGonagall. Quickly he stepped off to the side, leaving her standing in the doorway. But then the silver and green trappings caught his eye again and he realized it should have been maroon and gold.

"Well," Sirius spoke up, dropping a noise maker onto Dumbledore's desk. "I think this should be the last surprise party we throw for Snape. The man didn't even bat a eye."

Surprise party? What in the world for? Apparently Lily knew exactly what he was thinking.

"Sev, it's your birthday!"

Was it? He mentally counted off the days in his head. "No, it was last week."

Lily rolled her eyes. "And would you really have come here, without suspecting anything if we did that?"

He probably would have though he wasn't about to admit that to any of them. He hadn't celebrated a birthday since his mother died ten years ago which would make him twenty-one. He hadn't really expected to live this long and he certainly didn't expect to have this many people show up for this event.

"Could you at least act surprised?" Remus asked with a huge grin.

"I can assure you," Regulus spoke up, "that is no act. I ask you, have you ever seen this man speechless?"

"Well," Dumbledore clapped his hands together, "I think we should consider the surprise a success and have some cake."

Severus allowed himself to be pushed towards Dumbledore, who handed him a plate. The scent of chocolate and peanut wafted up at him and he turned to look at Lily who was standing next to him in awe. She gave him a little smile.

"You remembered my mother liked to eat Oreos and my Dad taught you how to grill the muggle way, you think I would have forgotten your birthday and that your favorite thing to eat is chocolate and peanut butter? Before you run off to finish your grading, though, Sirius wanted to speak with you."

He looked across the room to see the two Black brothers engaged in conversation. "Should I wait until everyone leaves and there's no witnesses or get over it with now?"

"It's not going to be that bad."

Before he even had a chance to devise a plan, Sirius had approached him. Thankfully, Lily didn't move from his side and he sent her a silent thank you.

"Snape," Sirius nodded in greeting. "Look, you're not my favorite person in the world but…" Black's eyes slid over to Lily before returning to him. "You're Lily's friend and contrary to popular belief, I really don't want to see you dead."

"You could have fooled me." He hadn't meant it to sound waspish but it was reflex at this point. Sirius gave him a look of loathing but reigned himself in before any response was made.

"Anyway," Sirius continued, "I'd like to at least be civil to each other. So, if you're willing to start over, so am I." He extended his hand. "I'm Sirius Black."

Severus stared at the outstretched hand for a moment. He couldn't trust Sirius as far as he could throw him but he also felt Lily's eyes on him. After a few seconds thought, he grasped Sirius' hand. "Severus Snape."

"You know," Sirius grinned, "I kind of like your hair better loose."

Severus gave him a curious look. "Really?"

"Yeah, hides your face better."

"Funny," Severus shot back, "I rather like your mouth when it's not moving."

Sirius let out a bark of laughter and slapped Severus on the shoulder before heading off across the room. Sirius' response left him speechless, wondering what had just happened.

Lily was grinning ear to ear. "You two just may end up being friends."

"That's highly unlikely. Civil I can do. Friends, that may actually knock the earth off it's axis."

"Well, give it time." Lily sat down in one of the overstuffed wing chairs by the fire and Severus followed her example, taking the one next to her.

"Did you plan this?" he asked.

"I had some help. Dumbledore thought it was a great idea and Remus helped me pull everything together. Here," she held out a small box wrapped in green paper. "It's actually your Christmas gift. We all chipped in for your birthday gift but Dumbledore said that it's running late."

The trouble that everyone went through for this suddenly converged on him. No one had ever made a fuss over Christmas or his birthday before and he felt terribly awkward about it. "Do I, uh, do I open this now?"

Lily laughed a little. "It's your party."

After he glanced around to make sure no one was looking, he pulled the wrapping off and opened the box. A pair of black leather gloves were inside.

"I was getting tired of seeing you always trying to warm up your hands whenever we went outside," Lily said quietly.

It was, without a doubt, the nicest gift he had ever received and all he could manage to say was a simple "thank you" without revealing just how much it touched him but it seemed enough for Lily. The door to the office opened and Mr. Ollivander came shuffling into the office, carrying a large leather messenger's bag.

"So sorry I'm late, Albus. All that snow makes it difficult for an old man like me."

"I quite understand, Oswald, being an old man myself. I'm so pleased you could make it," Dumbledore greeted. "Have some butterbeer."

"Well," Ollivander set his bag down on a table, "business first, pleasure later." He started to pull boxes out of the bag, stacking them on the large Head Master's desk. "If my memory serves correctly, Mr. Snape, your wand was fir with a dragon heartstring, 11 ¾ inches."

Surprise once again took over him at how people remembered these details about himself that he himself forgot. "Yes, that's correct."

Ollivander opened one of the boxes and pulled out a wand that was the exact replica of his previous wand. "I've brought others should the fir not fit you anymore but I highly doubt that will be the case."

Severus took the offered wand and immediately felt the familiarity he had been lacking in the last few months of using Lucius' wand. He pointed it at the ceiling and green sparks shot from the tip.

"Excellent," Ollivander exclaimed, snapping the empty box shut. "Now, what would you like me to do with Mr. Malfoy's wand, Albus?"

"Whatever you wish, Oswald," Dumbledore responded as McGonagall handed over Malfoy's ebony wand. Ollivander gave it an appreciative look.

"This was one of my best. Elm with a dragon heartstring. I remembered he wanted it black, obnoxious child he was, so I had to lacquered it for him. Foolish boy. I trust this had been handed over to the Ministry for it's record of spells?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Of course. Though now that the Ministry has solid evidence of Lucius' affiliations, the eldest Malfoy is no where to be found."

Severus frowned. That was very Lucius. He didn't even have to ask to know that Narcissa and their son, roughly the same age as Harry, were left to fend for themselves in the negative spotlight Lucius had left for them. It sickened him to think that he ever looked up to Lucius, admired his clothes and charisma, thinking if only he had been better looking and wealth to back him he very well could have been Lucius. The silly ideals of a child.

A loud snap brought Severus out of his thoughts and he saw Ollivander holding the two snapped pieces of the black wand.

"This wand will do no more harm," Ollivander said before tossing the two pieces into the fire which turned a sickly shade of green before returning to it's former color of orange and red.

"Were you able to bring the other thing as well, Oswald?" McGonagall asked.

"Ah, yes," Ollivander went back to his satchel and reached far down into it. "There it is. I knew I brought too many wands with me." He pulled what looked like a very long stick out of the bag but once it was out, Severus saw it was a broom. A Cirrus 1900 from the looks of it, the Chudley Canons broom of choice for that year of Quidditch. "This was their last one, Albus. Very famous this year."

"I would think so," Dumbledore said, taking the broom from Ollivander. "Let us hope it brings speed and talent to the Canons this year."

Sirius snorted. "They're going to need more than brooms. Honestly, England needs a better team."

"Preferably one that can fly and think at the same time," Severus said and then noticed everyone's surprise. "What?"

"We just never thought you paid much attention to Quidditch," Remus said.

"I may not be able to play it, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy watching it."

"Well then," Dumbledore stepped towards him, "I daresay you should join us at more Quidditch games then. There are more than enough seats in the faculty box. But I digress," the Head Master held out the broom to Severus, "this also is yours, Severus."

He felt his heart freeze in his chest. He had never owned a broom in his life. He had always borrowed one at school from the broom shed and when he graduated he always used one of Lucius' old ones. He had sworn to himself never to own one since he had found out from his father that his mother's desire for him to have a broom had ultimately led to her death.

"Sev? Are you alright?" Lily broke through the horror that seized his mind.

"I, um," he took a step back from the broom, "I appreciate everything you've done for me tonight, but I can't accept this."

Dumbledore looked at him blankly. "You're going to need a mode of transport, Severus, especially if you join the Order."

As if enough hadn't been given to him already that night, Dumbledore had to go and give him the ultimate gift: trust. Everything seemed to come crashing down around him and he felt like he was suffocating. He was dimly aware of Lily grabbing his arm, begging him to sit down but he had wrenched his arm from her grip and stumbled towards the door. He mumbled a thank you before quickly bolting through the door. He paused on the other side just to get catch his breath when he heard Sirius' voice on the other side.

"I'm guessing he's not a party person."

Black didn't know the half of it. Severus pushed himself off from the wooden door and quickly made his way down to the dungeons. They all went through so much effort with planning, food, decorating and gifts. He still had his new wand clutched in his hand and he felt even more guilty for his abrupt departure. He stopped in the one of the hallways and leaned heavily on the wall.

"What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing."

He spun around to see Lily standing there, a look of compassion on her face.

"Nothing's wrong with you, Sev," she repeated before pulling him into a strong embrace. "You just need to get used to people being nice to you for a change."

But for as much as he tried to convince himself that her hug was because he was a good person and she liked him for that, he couldn't shake the feeling of just how unworthy he was for her.

* * *

Author's Note: I read that Rowling sometimes used Celtic Birthday Trees to determine what wood was used for a particular character. I used the same method to determine what wood Severus' wand should be made out of. I found this extremely interesting and wanted to share it with my wonderful reviewers. Here's what one website had as a description for Sev's Birthday Tree:

**January 2 to January 11  
**Fir Tree, the Mysterious

Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it,rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious uncontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.


	23. No Place is Safe

**Chapter Twenty-Three: No Place is Safe**

"So they now have the locket?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Do they know of the others?"

"Not to my knowledge, my Lord."

A flash of light filled the small room and the kneeling figure screamed in agony. Voldemort rose from the elegant wingback chair, wand ready to cast another spell if he felt so led. "You will make it your knowledge, Regulus, or Miss Avery will not make it to graduation. Now, have they destroyed the locket?"

"Not yet though Dumbledore has been holed up in his office researching horcruxes and how to destroy them."

Voldemort smiled coldly. "Ah yes. Finally something that I am well versed in while the all knowledgeable Albus Dumbledore has to study like a schoolboy." His good mood evaporated quickly. "Regulus, get up."

The young man weaved to his feet, keeping his head bowed. "My Lord?"

"How convinced are they of your loyalties?"

"Extremely convinced, my Lord. My brother believes I have finally seen reason and is working hard to re-establish our family connection. He would not do this unless he was certain of my loyalties."

"And where do your loyalties lie, Regulus?"

"Only with you, my Lord. They always have been."

"That better be the case," Voldemort returned to the chair. "And what of our dear friend, Severus Snape? How is he faring under the tutelage of Albus Dumbledore?"

"He is growing weary of the old man's teaching. His desires are to come back to you, my Lord, but he is very fearful to return."

"As he should be. However, make sure he knows that I will welcome him back into the fold, granted he proves his faithfulness to me."

"How can he do that?"

Voldemort reached behind his head and stroked Nagini. "By bringing me Lily Potter and her son. You're free to go, Regulus. And take Miss Avery back to Hogwarts with you. Be sure to relay my message to Severus."

"Of course, my Lord." Regulus kept his head bowed as he backed out of the room. He wasn't prepared to turn his back completely on the Dark Lord when his mood was so unpredictable at the moment. Once he was out of the room, he allowed himself a deep sigh of relief. Without wanting to spend more time in the Malfoy's home than he had to, he quickly went downstairs and into the reception parlor. Narcissa, Bellatrix and Holly were all sitting around a gaming table, watching Draco play on the floor.

"Ladies," he said quietly, announcing his presence. "I hate to interrupt but Holly and I need to return to Hogwarts."

Narcissa gave him a cursory glance before going back to her tea, Bellatrix had a nasty smirk on her face while Holly scrambled to gather her things. When she was within reach, he took her traveling bag from her and quietly left the sprawling mansion. She didn't say anything but he could hear her quick footsteps trying to keep up with him. There was a carriage waiting for them and Regulus tossed the travel bag onto the floor of the carriage and helped Holly into it before swinging up into it himself. When the carriage lurched forward, he laid his head back on the seat and closed his eyes.

"Reg, are you alright?"

"I'm just tired, that's all."

"Do you want me to heal you before we get back to the school?"

"Is it that bad?" He opened his eyes and sat up, taking the mirror that she was offering him. He actually looked worse than he thought: a large bruise was forming on the entire left side of his face and a blood vessel broke in his eye.

"I can at least get rid of the bruise," Holly said, "perhaps Madame Pomfrey should take care of your eye."

He handed the mirror back to her and felt the comforting warmth of her hand against his sore cheek. He could feel the healing charm working on putting the blood vessels right in his face and he leaned into the comfort of her hand.

"I don't like this Reg, it scares me."

"It's going to be fine, Holly." He took her hand and pressed it to his lips. "Trust me."

"I do. I just hate worrying about you. You were up stairs with him for so long."

Regulus looked out the carriage window. "He was in a particular bad mood today."

Holly curled up on the seat next to him. "What did he say?"

"Same thing as always, asked for an update on Dumbledore and Snape. Asked where my loyalties lie. The only thing different was he said Snape would be welcomed back to the fold if he delivered Lily and Harry to the Dark Lord."

"Severus will never do that."

"Oh, I know," Regulus draped an arm around her. Now he understood the depth of Severus' decision to leave the Death Eaters to protect the woman he loved. He was willing to walk through fire for Holly and was basically doing just that.

"I can't wait for this war to be over. All this fear, watching your back and making sure you say all the right things to the right people."

Regulus pulled her closer to him and just enjoyed the moment of not having to watch his words or actions around her. "So goes the life of a double agent. I told Dumbledore that Severus would be better at this than me."

* * *

"He wants me to do what?"

Lily tried to hide her smile. "Dumbledore has asked us to go with the students into Hogsmeade. Most of the students will be going into the village since it's the Valentine's Day weekend and they'll need some extra eyes to ensure their safety. It's not going to be as bad as you think, Sev."

As if pushing floating hearts and flying angels out of the way in the hallways wasn't bad enough, now he was forced to go into Hogsmeade with a bunch of lovesick teenagers to make sure they're not killed while they're staring into each other's eyes. "Sure it's not. It won't be bad at all."

"Oh come on, Sev," Lily laughed, "I'll even treat you to a cup of tea and scone at Madame Puddifoot's."

"Oh joy." The idea of spending time with her in Hogsmeade was actually a very exciting prospect but he had always had a strong distaste for the frills and girlish splendor that was Madame Puddifoot's Tea Shop. "I couldn't persuade you to go to the Three Broomsticks instead?"

"Possibly."

He breathed a sigh of relief and buried his nose into his scarf. The cold wind was very biting and they had only set off for the village behind the group of students. Dumbledore had led him to believe this was going to be a supply run and that was all. Dumbledore probably had Lily tell him the change in plans because he couldn't say no to her. Sometimes he found himself very annoyed with the Head Master and how he manipulated Severus. But it also gave him time with Lily and that absolved the Head Master of his emotional treachery. Well, mostly.

"How are classes going for you, Sev?"

"Fine. We almost had a first year blow us all up last week but other than that it's been blessedly uneventful."

"'Blessedly uneventful.' I didn't expect to hear that coming from you. You always had a thirst for adventure and pushing the limits."

He sighed into his scarf. "I've had enough adventure for the time being. I didn't think it would be possible but I'm actually enjoying being here, teaching the kids and being around you again." He looked over at her to see if he had spoken out of turn but she looked relaxed and not at all offended. It had started to snow again and the large fluffy flakes that landed in her long hair stood out in contrast against the dark red locks. Her face a healthy pink tinge to it from the cold and it was the first time he could remember not seeing dark rings under her green eyes. "I could get used to this."

She looked up at him, instantly flushing red and looking away. "Sev-"

"I was just saying that this was the first time I felt content and I like it." He tore his eyes away from her and changed the topic. "What are you going to do when school lets out?"

"I don't know. I want to go back to work for the Order but it's very difficult with a young child. I guess it's just a wait and see kind of issue. What about you?"

He shrugged. "I guess I'm doing whatever Dumbledore tells me to do."

"You have a mind of your own, Sev. What do you want?"

_Something I can't have, _was the first thought that flashed across his mind but he pressed his lips together to make sure it didn't slip out. It really was simple what he wanted: a home and family. He wanted to stand on Platform 9 ¾ waving to his son or daughter as they made their way to Hogwarts. He wanted to be everything to his child that he lacked growing up. And if he couldn't have children of his own, at least he had Lily's to dote on whenever he could without stepping on Sirius' toes. Lily was still looking at him expectantly and he shook his head. "I don't know what I want."

"Well," she rubbed the side of his arm, "a lot of people don't know what they want until they have it. Maybe teaching really is what makes you happy."

He nodded absently and suddenly felt all the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He grabbed a hold of Lily's arm and stopped her.

"What, what's the matter, Sev?"

He pulled out his wand. "Something's wrong."

She drew her wand too. No sooner had she done so then the screaming started. A large, green Dark Mark burst into the sky. Because the buildings were so close together it was hard to tell which building it was over.

"We have to get the students out of here!" Lily shouted over the screaming.

Severus sent out a patronus to return to the castle and get some reinforcements down here. He didn't even think about it until he caught Lily's eyes that were wide in shock and glassy from tears. He looked back at his patronus just as the silvery doe bounded out of sight.

"Sev…"

"The students," he reminded. "We need to get the students back to the castle." He could hear Bellatrix's cackle above the din and soon enough the masked Death Eaters made their appearance on the main street of Hogsmeade.

* * *

Well, I did it! I made it to 50,000 words! Actually, the final count for National Novel Writing Month is 50,178 words! jumps up and down Have no fear though, I will be continueing this story to it's end. Thanks so much for all your encouragement this month and for all those times your comments have inspired me and pushed me onward! A big thank you to you all! 


	24. Tragedy in Hogsmeade

**Author's Note: **Okay, I tried this once but when I clicked save at the bottom of the edit/preview page, Fan conked out on me. It was very frustrating...anyway. Thank you all my gentle readers for sticking with this story. I promise you, I have not abandoned it...not in the least. In fact, I've been picking off sentences whenever I found five seconds to do so. Coming out of the NaNoWriMo competition I had to play catch up to all the things that I let go in November (say, house cleaning for one!) as well as getting myself ready for Christmas so I can get my grandmother ready for Christmas. Now, with 90 of the gifts wrapped, my house is clean, my husband has a few homecooked meals in him now, I may return to that lovely couple, Sev and Lily, once more...

I thank you for your patience and I apologize for my cruelty in the time lapse as well as the ending of this chapter.

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Tragedy in Hogsmeade**

Dumbledore tapped his fingers on the polished surface of his desk and gazed out at the gently falling snow. Regulus shifted uneasily in his chair. The students would be just about to enter into Hogsmeade now, giggling and shy on this Valentine's weekend outing. What he wouldn't give to be one of them right now, arm and arm with Holly, oblivious to the darkness that hides in men's hearts and just how twisted a soul can become.

"So he's still searching for Harry then?"

"Actually," Regulus shifted in the chair again, the wood creaking somewhat, "he's searching for Neville. He still hasn't decided which one the prophecy referred to. He knows where Harry is and considers him unreachable so he's been pouring his efforts into finding the Longbottoms."

Dumbledore absently tugged at his beard. "Perhaps it would better if we brought Alice and Neville here."

"He doesn't want to come to Hogwarts and no one can figure out why. He fears the implication of the prophecy and all the Death Eaters keep urging him to storm the school gates and kill the child but he refuses to make that move."

"Hogwarts has been the only home Tom Riddle ever knew. To breach the gates and commit such a blatant murder would only soil the one refuge he felt he had in this world. However, by placing both children within these walls would surely bring Tom knocking on Hogwarts door."

Regulus crossed his arms over his chest. "You're keeping Neville and Alice away from the only place that Voldemort will not come because you're afraid if they were here, Voldemort would attack."

Dumbledore regarded him with a shrewd look. "I feel that endangering the students to be more important than bringing the Longbottoms here. They are safely hidden at the moment will all the security that we offer here."

"Then why not send Lily and Harry to where Alice is?"

"I have thought of that," Dumbledore's voice sounded kindly but the look in his eyes showed he was still dangerously serious. "But I fear by placing the two children together will only lessen our chances of keeping both boys alive."

Regulus scowled. "You mean to say that the course of action you've taken has solely been for the preservation of a prophesied 'chosen one' as opposed to doing what is best for them out of love and concern?"

"Have you ever heard the phrase 'The good of the many outweighs the good of the few?'"

"You just love being the puppeteer of this organization."

The blue eyes behind the spectacles glinted angrily. "If you have a better plan then please, share it with me."

Regulus opened his mouth, not sure exactly what he was going to say, when a silver doe burst through the window and landed beside the desk. When it spoke, it was in Snape's baritone voice.

"Death Eaters are attacking in Hogsmeade. We need help."

Regulus was out of the office before Dumbledore had time to speak.

* * *

Severus had never seen anyone cast charms as fast as Lily. She was throwing up protection charms around any child that was within her line of sight and the curses that were directed at the fleeing students merely bounced off their retreating backs. While Lily was on the defensive, Severus went for the offensive. He pointed his wand at the closest Death Eater and was soon pleased to see him hoisted up into the air by his ankle. This caused his mask to slip off and Severus found himself face to face with Mulciber. 

"I can't believe you abandon us for a Mudblood!" Mulciber screamed in fury. Severus stunned and bound him before removing the Levicorpus spell. A strange pleasure crept over him at hearing the sound of the body hit the cold ground. The feeling was very fleeting as a deflecting stunning spell hit him on the shoulder and knocked the breath of out him. Swinging around, he saw two Death Eaters who he recognized even with their masks on: Bellatrix and Lucius.

"The Dark Lord has given you one last chance to return to us," Lucius' cold voice told him.

"Just hand over the Potter child," Bellatrix added.

Severus answered them with a onslaught of attack spells. His sectumsempra spell managed to open a gash across Lucius' shoulder and his stunning spells managed to keep Bellatrix dancing around the main street but didn't inflict any damage. Students were still running around but their numbers were quickly diminishing. Judging from the various cracks and pops around him, the students who were old enough were apparating and taking those who couldn't with them. Some teachers were dueling with the Death Eaters while others were grabbing a hold of groups of three students and apparating. They still didn't know who lay under the Dark Mark.

A bright red light shot past his ear and hit Bellatrix directly in the chest, knocking her back against a stone wall where she slid down to the ground unconscious. The sudden downfall of his companion distracted Lucius enough for Severus to fire a mix of disarming and stunning spells. Unfortunately, all of them were deflected and Lucius lead the retreat from Hogsmeade. With a flick of his wrist, Bellatrix was bound and ready to hand over to the ministry along with Mulciber.

"You alright?"

Severus looked over to see a disheveled Lily standing next to him. She must have been the one to take out Bellatrix. "Fine. You?"

She nodded and wiped a smear of dirt off of her cheek. "So Voldemort will accept you back if you hand over Harry."

Severus felt the blood drain out of his face. "You know I would never agree to that!"

Lily looked just as shocked as Severus felt. "I wasn't saying you would, Sev." She laid a hand on his arm. "You really don't think I believe you would do such a thing?"

That all too familiar feeling of shame came over him. "But I almost did. I almost handed you all over to him."

"Almost doesn't count." She smiled tiredly. "Besides, if anyone handed us over to Voldemort it was Peter. So please," she drew him into a hug, "stop blaming yourself for everything."

She made it sound simple, as if he could snap his fingers and all the guilt would be gone. Self forgiveness was one of the largest pieces that was missing from the puzzle of himself. As he wallowed in the warmth of her embrace he could almost feel that particular hole in his heart start to stitch itself closed. Unfortunately, it didn't have too much time to do so as an ear piercing wail split the frightened silence that had fallen over the village. Instinctively, Severus pushed Lily behind him in case of another attack but she fought her way back up to his side.

There were no flashes of light indicating a battle. There were only three Death Eaters still in Hogsmeade and all of them were unconscious and bound. He looked up to the sky to find the Dark Mark had vanished, leaving the steel gray clouds unblemished once more. Slowly, he and Lily walked down the street where the students who had stayed to fight solemnly comforted those younger then them and helped the wounded. Thankfully, no one looked fatally hurt.

The wailing was growing louder and a small group of white faced, weeping girls came out of the Three Broomsticks. The three girls stood just over the threshold, clinging to each other and sobbing. So someone had been killed then and from the looks of it, it was most likely a student. Severus was surprised at the swooping feeling of sadness he felt over that thought.

"Oh no," Lily whispered. "I know those girls."

"What?" He didn't know what to make of her statement.

Lily grabbed his arm with a painful grip. "They're in my seventh year charms class. They're best friends with-"

She never got a chance to say the name but the scene unfolding before them was enough to inform him. A small group of teachers and seventh year students were attempting to restrain a thin man that was the cause of the wailing that drew them to the Three Broomsticks. Severus knew the voice before he even saw the grief twisted face.

"He knew!" Regulus was screaming. "He knew I betrayed him!"

Severus didn't need to know who "he" was and his heart sank even lower. As Regulus was half carried, half drug past him and Lily, Severus started for the tavern. Lily immediately went over to the three girls, somehow managing to wrap her arms around all three while Severus stepped into the tavern. Most everyone had cleared out except for two seventh year students and the barkeep.

"I don't know what to do with 'er," the stooped old man was saying. "Dem boys offered to carry 'er back to 'ogwarts but…"

Severus could see the fear on their young faces. They had probably never seen a dead body before in their lives. Silently, he pulled off his wool cloak and knelt down next to Holly Avery's still form. Her blue-grey eyes stared sightless up at him, a look of shock frozen on her face. She probably didn't even know what had happened till she was in the afterlife. He drew his fingers down her face, closing her eyes before wrapping his cloak around her. He scooped her up into his arms and felt she was still warm. He stepped out of the Three Broomsticks to see Lily crying with the three girls but he only gave them a passing glance before he started the trek back to the school.

He had come to like Holly, actually. He saw in her the desire and bravery to break the family tradition of being a Death Eater and stand up to her family and peers. He saw in her the courage he should have had when he was her age. She had gained his respect, something that was not an easy feat. He glanced over his shoulder to see Lily and the three girls following behind him in the unusual funeral procession.

He would not apparate up to the gates with her. She deserved the respect of being carried the entire way back to the place that had been her sanctuary just as it had been for him. She needed to be remembered for the valiant hero she was and he would do his best to make sure of that. The ice cold grip of death had come over her by the time he reached the entrance of Hogwarts.


	25. Yggdrasil

**Author's Notes: **Hello and Happy New Year to all my faithful (and new) readers! I'm so sorry for the long wait. Christmas is extremely busy for me as I have to prepare for myself as well as my not so healthy Grandmother and my extremely busy Mother. But all that is behind me and I'm hoping to get back into this story again. Thank you for your patience and your support! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season!

**Chapter Twenty-Five: Yggdrasil**

_(Yggdrasil: In Scandinavian mythology, an ash tree whose roots and branches join heaven, earth, and hell.)_

He knew no one in their right mind would ever chose to sit on the highest peak of the astronomy tower, which was why Severus was there. The silence was calming and allowed him the freedom to quarrel with his demons openly. He spoke out loud, yelling at times before reducing the volume of his voice to a whisper. He wasn't sure if his railing could be seen as a prayer or a challenge and quite frankly, he didn't care. After the words had left him, the tears followed.

Holly's funeral had been that day. He had transformed into his animangus, climbed a tree and watched the proceedings from that vantage point much as he had Lily's wedding. He had been caught between feeling extreme sadness and absolute revulsion as he watched Holly's family cry crocodile tears and put on a good show of grief. He hadn't even told Dumbledore where he had gone or when he returned. He had come straight up to the Astronomy Tower for solitude.

A cloud passed overhead, covering some of the stars from his view. The wind was intermittently howling and hopefully the cloud cover would blow over as quickly as it had appeared. However, the wind seemed to still and he felt ice cold droplets on his face as some snow deployed from the cloud cover. A slight dusting of white precipitation had fallen by the time his solitude had been intruded upon. If it had been anyone else, he would have immediately sent them away, but he knew who it was from the muttered curses. The only thing that Lily Potter hated more than the Dark Arts was heights.

"Why do you have to come so high up, Sev?" she muttered, sitting down next to him, her fingernails digging underneath the shingles in a white knuckled grip. The fact that she had sought him out and wanted to see him always touched him more than it should, but the fact that she was staring her worst fear in the face to be around him grabbed a hold of his heart in an iron like grip.

"This is the closest I'll ever be to heaven."

"You don't honestly think that, do you?"

He rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of how to respond. He wasn't even sure if he believed in a heaven. He was certain there was a hell, he had lived most of his life in it but as for the joyous counter part he was left with doubt and disbelief.

"Sev?"

"I don't know, Lily. Do you believe in heaven?"

"I believe there has to be some reward for the suffering we endure in this life. My parents are Catholic so I was raised with a belief in a heaven and a hell but as for that carrying over to now," she shrugged. "I can't not believe that there is something better after this."

"Designed for the people who deserve it."

"And what makes you so much more unworthy than everyone else?"

How could he confess to her everything he had done as a Death Eater? How could he look her in the eye and tell her of things he had done to innocent muggles and the blood he had shed? He wasn't foolish enough to believe she was guilt free of committing sins either but there was no way she had put blemishes on her soul that he had. But she was staring at him with those green eyes, demanding an answer. "Because life on earth is filled with the worthy and the unworthy. That's what makes us different. What would the purpose of heaven be without a hell and vise versa? They balance each other. Good and evil, pure and spoiled."

"What of redemption? Can't the spoiled ever be pure?"

"I suppose they can act like it," he tore his eyes away from hers. Due to her rapt attention she was leaning toward him. His heart was beating so fast from her proximity and intensity of gaze that he was slightly breathless. "But some stains remain permanently."

When she spoke again, her voice was wavering on the verge of tears. "Then why risk everything to change sides? If you truly believe that the wretched state you were born into confines you for the rest of your life, why try to change it, Sev?"

He miserably picked at one of the loose shingles. "Because of the instinct that is in all of us. That unrelenting desire to be loved. Sometimes, that can become your own private hell as well. I wonder if that's going to be the fate when I die. To go on forever, desperately wanting to be loved and never having it."

She twined her arm around his. "You are loved, Sev."

"I know, but…" he shook his head. James hadn't been dead for four months yet. He had no right to ask for her love now.

"It's not enough. I understand but please believe that I'm not going anywhere now. We're friends again and I'm not going to throw that away this time around. Please, let that be enough."

He looked back at her and saw the serious set to her face and knew she was speaking the truth. If friendship was all she ever wanted from him, he would give it. He took a chance and pressed his lips against the top of her head, breathing in the heady scent of vanilla. He felt a sigh vibrate through her skull and she rested her head on his shoulder. Because it felt like he was giving up on his one and only dream, the words that he spoke hurt deeper than any crucio curse that had been cast on him but he said them anyway.

"It will be enough."

* * *

If Dumbledore ever wondered where Severus disappeared to for a full day, he never asked him. Maybe Lily had told him but either way, the Head Master never brought up the subject. A week had passed since Holly's funeral and the repercussions in Slytherin house had been catastrophic. Those who saw themselves as faithful followers of the Dark Lord merely gloated their smugness at the death of a traitor. The ones who feared the Dark Lord but wavered in their allegiance suddenly become so devout in their belief strictly out of terror. But there were a few, a handful really, that actively sought out him and Regulus in an effort to learn how to better fight the uncanny control that Voldemort held over Slytherin House.

Regulus rarely showed himself outside of his room. Severus was the only one, aside from Dumbledore and Slughorn obviously, that had any real access to him. It had sudden made him seem useful in Sirius' eyes. Out of good will towards Lily, Severus related Regulus' emotional state to Sirius whenever the elder Black asked. In return for the information, a grudging respect was forged between the two bitter enemies. Severus didn't need to use legilimency to know that Sirius hated every moment he had to rely on Severus' accounts but it had earned him some blissfully torment free days.

"Puppy!" The joyful cry echoed off the stone walls of the Great Hall disrupting the otherwise quiet evening meal. Harry was picking up certain words here and there and found that it delighted everyone when he used them. But at moments such as dinner, it more or less embarrassed Lily. Severus watched her face flush a deep red and she quietly shushed her now squirming, smiling son. An equally embarrassed Remus Lupin, the announced "puppy," slowly made his way up to the Head table to where Dumbledore was seated. Severus strained his ears to pick up what was being said.

"I hate to disturb, Head Master-"

"Nonsense, Remus," Dumbledore smiled. "Come join us."

"I wish I could but I only came to bring word that there has been more and more Death Eater activity in the Longbottom's vicinity. Frank," Remus looked around briefly and lowered his voice, "Frank has left his post and went to Alice to offer more protection."

Severus watched Dumbledore slowly lay his silverware down on the half finished plate of food. "I see," the old man said. "Have everyone meet me in my office so we can discuss the next course of action."

Remus nodded briefly and left the Hall. As soon as the werewolf had disappeared from sight, Harry started crying. It gave Lily the perfect excuse to head up to Dumbledore's office immediately. Severus, not really caring much if he had any excuse to leave at the moment, did so. He easily caught up to Lily who was trying to calm down a near hysterical Harry. Without saying anything to her, he held out his arms to the screaming child and felt the boy practically jump into them. Thankfully, the crying was muffled against Severus' robes. Lily rubbed her face tiredly.

"He absolutely adores Remus," she admitted, "much to Sirius' dismay."

"Sirius has had other things to attend to lately." The words surprised him, especially since they had come from his own mouth but that was what happened whenever Harry was handed to him: he mellowed immediately.

"That's what I've told him." Lily sighed. "I hope Remus finds someone who makes him happy. All he wants is a family but he's too scared."

"With good reason. Werewolfism can be passed on through genetics."

Lily flared immediately. "Some cases it isn't passed along."

"I wasn't saying he shouldn't have a family. I was just agreeing with his doubts. You know what kind of home I grew up in, trust me, if anyone wants children then they should have them."

"Oh," Lily commented. "I'm sorry, Sev. I'm just tired."

"I have a potion for that."

She rewarded him with a slight smile. "Thanks. Do you want me to take him?"

Severus had actually forgotten he had Harry and judging from the quiet murmurs coming from the boy, he was sound asleep. "No, he's fine."

They walked the rest of the way to Dumbledore's office in companionable silence. There had been more and more of those quiet moments since their conversation on the astronomy tower. Confidence concerning his friendship with Lily had taken the sting out of Holly's death and brought comfort to the meaninglessness of the Death Eater's acts. All too soon the stone gargoyle came into view. It jumped aside without even asking for a password and a coldness settled in his stomach.

They reached the office and a small group had already gathered. Dumbledore was pacing furiously, another bad sign, while Remus, Sirius, Moody and the Prewett brothers watched. Dumbledore took immediate notice of Severus and Lily's arrival.

"Ah good, Severus, you're here." Dumbledore turned towards Lily. "I'm sorry, Lily, but I must ask you to stay here."

"No," she shook her head firmly. "Alice is a good friend of mine. I will not stay behind if you're going to help her."

"I need you here, with Harry," Dumbledore implored. "Please understand."

"Well, with all due respect sir, I don't."

McGonagall came bustling into the office. "Well? What of the Longbottoms?"

Lily promptly took Harry from Severus and handed him over to McGonagall. "We're on our way now to help them."


	26. The Troublesome Prophecy

Author's Note: Hi all! So sorry for the long time between updates...still battleing through allergies and sinus infections. Hopefully they'll go away soon and I'll be back on a regular update pattern. Thank you all so very much for your reviews, private messages and concern and support. It is so greatly appreciated! Many many thanks to you all!

The Road Home

Chapter Twenty-Six: The Troublesome Prophecy

He never spent much time thinking of what he wanted. Survival was always foremost on his mind. Living through his father's drunken rages, his mother's passiveness and the Slytherin mindset. These last few months with Lily had given him time to stop, think and perhaps for the first time in his life, dream. No longer was every waking moment a desperate clawing out of the hole life had thrown him in, but rather an almost relaxing routine that was punctuated by times like this one: deadly chaos and fear.

Curses flew over his head, by his ear and even singed the hem of his robe. He should have been implementing the protego charm but his eyes were focused on the red head in front of him, his mind on automatic as it assessed the battle. By the time they had reached the Longbottom stronghold, a small cottage on the jagged coast line of Whales, the small home was already under siege. Lily had wasted no time and rushed headlong into the melee with Black at her heels, leaving Severus and Lupin desperately trying to keep up and work on a strategy.

Given how spread out the Death Eaters were stationed, and the glaring lack of planning, he would have to guess that Lucius was now using his own strategies. The Dark Lord wouldn't put up with that for too long. Lucius had bearing, wealth and charisma but he lacked the analytical mind that was needed for battle. Thankfully, Severus excelled at preparation. They were confused at the arrival of Dumbledore's back up fighters, a very foolish and startling oversight. That usually meant the Dark Lord himself was present and this was suppose to be a fast strike and no more. But where was the Dark Lord?

An irate yell broke through the sound of the battle and Severus felt his blood run cold. He instinctually grabbed Lily and shoved her behind him. Black and Lupin closed ranks, keeping her out of sight just as Voldemort exited the cottage and cursed the nearest Death Eater. The mask had fallen off and it was Lucius himself curled up on the ground.

"They're gone!" Voldemort bellowed. "The damn Floo Network! A first year would have known to block was the fireplace!"

Severus heard Lily sigh in relief. Black and Lupin decided to take advantage of Voldemort's anger and started to back away from the scene. Severus couldn't. He was strangely transfixed to the unfolding scene before him. Surely this wouldn't end the way other similar situations had in the past? This was Lucius Bloody Malfoy, one of the most purest of the pureblood families that were left. Dumbledore's numbers slowly retreated, assured at the safety of their own, they began dissapperating or taking a port key back to wherever they came from.

Severus felt himself dropped into a crossroad. Lucius was no longer his ally, a man with whom he had aligned himself with for many years. Lucius had made his choice of sides in this war and made it unmistakable which side that was. However, the reason the war was going on once again came into play in Severus' mind: a child. Though he had only seen Draco once or twice, it still didn't take away the fact that the child existed. And Narcissa as well. What was to become of her, one of the only Slytherin's that had showed him a kindness?

Someone tugged at his sleeve and shook them off. He needed to act. Just as he stepped forward and raised his wand, the same person who was tugging on him grabbed a hold of his wand arm. He tried to shake it off but was surprised at the strength in Lupin's grip.

"Let go of me!"

Lupin fixed him with a steady gaze. "You interfere, you risk bringing attention to us. And 'us' means Lily too."

That caused him pause. Glancing over his shoulder he saw Lily and Black grab on of the few portkeys that would take them back to Hogwarts. "He has a son, too."

Sympathy showed on the werewolf's face. "But Malfoy knew the risks when he pledged allegiance to the Dark Lord. The Longbottoms are safe. We need to return to Hogwarts."

Severus tried once more to shake the werewolf off him but Lupin wouldn't budge. Slowly he lowered his wand and walked back to the portkey with Lupin in an uneasy silence. By the time the time they reached the old shoe, all the others had left already. Severus stared down at the worn shoe. "Draco."

"What?" Lupin asked.

"Lucius' son. His name is Draco. He's the same age as Harry, give or take a few months." Severus looked once more down to the cottage, hoping against hope that Lucius had groveled his way out the mess. The flash of green light that assaulted his eyes told him otherwise and another son was left fatherless.

* * *

Lily mentally scolded herself as she hurried through the quiet halls of Hogwarts. She had been so happy to see Alice again and watching Neville and Harry play together. Neither boy had seen someone their own age for months, and the delight at feeling normal again overshadowed any other thought she had at the moment. She hadn't sought out Severus after he and Remus returned from the Longbottom's safe house. She had known they came back completely safe and unharmed but then Remus came to her with concerns. Something had happened after she and Sirius had come back to the school but Remus had remained tight lipped about what it was.

So here she was, walking through deserted hallways, not having any idea where in the world Severus could be. If he was in the Slytherin common room then she had no hope of seeing him this night. Her other choices would be the Astronomy Tower or out by the lake. Not wanting to face her fear of heights unless she absolutely had to, Lily opted to check out by the lake first. As she passed the door to the Great Hall, the light of a single lit candle drew her eye into the room.

Severus was sitting at Slytherin table, where he had sat for seven years, with a guttering candle in front of him. The jumping light enhanced the lines and shadows on his face and she was struck with just how old he looked. No, not old, she realized as she got closer, he looked worn out and ready to give up.

"Sev?"

He didn't move or acknowledge her at all but she knew him well enough to know that she couldn't sneak up on him if she tried. So she just quietly sat down next to him and waited for him to say something. She didn't have to wait for long.

"Alice alright?"

"Yes, Frank and Neville too." Lily paused, watching his facial expression closely. "What happened, Sev?" Unfortunately, she couldn't see his expression as he covered his face with his hands, the candlelight casting eerie shadows on the pale skin and making his fingers appear longer than what they were.

"I wasn't prepared for this."

"For what?"

He dropped his hands back down to the table but his long black hair fell like a curtain between them. "I thought the lines between good and evil would be more clear. I thought once I switched sides that I would not feel sympathetic for…"

"Your friends?"

"It feels wrong to think of them that way but for the longest time they were the only friends that I had."

Lily laid a hand on his arm and tried to ignore the intake of breath. "I'm sorry about that, Sev."

"No, I didn't mean-"

"I know you didn't but," she took a deep breath, "if I had realized what I was sending you off to I would have handled the situation completely differently. It seems that my mistake has caused you nothing but grief." She thought about telling him about the suffering she went through, the sleepless nights and tears she had shed over the loss of her friend. The worst night had been when she found out she was pregnant and didn't have her best friend to share in the happiness. But he didn't need any more burdens to bear, not now or ever. "What happened tonight?"

"Lucius Malfoy was killed."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded his bowed head. "I sent an owl to Narcissa. She confirmed it."

Lily felt a pang of sympathy. She knew of Draco. The birth of the Malfoy heir had been a week long headliner of the Prophet. "So what exactly is bothering you, Sev? Lucius being killed or Narcissa and their son's wellbeing?"

Severus sighed wearily. "I don't know. And I think that bothers me the most."

Lily didn't allow herself to think, just act. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and he willingly fell against her in an exhausted slump. "These were people that you knew, Sev. It's perfectly natural to be feeling this way."

"There are too many victims, Lily. I didn't know there would be so many."

"That's war," Lily said, resting her head against Severus'.

* * *

Dumbledore had always thought himself to be able to bear up under the burden of leadership. He believed he encouraged those around him in the strengths that they exhibited and cultivated them to be their best. At least he tried. Tom Riddle would always be his most glaring mistake in that aspect. But he couldn't allow past mistakes to tarnish the responsibility he now had.

There was a school full of children that needed to be protected, allowed to grow, mature and enter the wizarding community to use their gifts for good. He had the Order of the Phoenix, brave men and women who were fighting on his behalf against the evil that he himself had created. No, he shook his head. He didn't create Lord Voldemort, Tom Riddle had done that, but it didn't settle his mind that he had somehow played a part in the rising of one of the most evil wizards of their time.

He knew what needed to be done, even though he was pulling the memory from his mind and dropped it into the pensieve once more. Maybe if he looked again, concentrated harder, he would be able to find an alternative to his plan. Taking a deep breath and sending up a prayer of hope, he let himself fall through the pensieve and land once more in the dingy, rickety room in the Hog's Head. There was the younger version of himself, seated across from the shawl wrapped figure of Sybil Trelawney. He was surprised at noticing for the first time the look of complete disinterest on his face. But the disinterest was quickly fading into a mix of shock and curiosity. He concentrated on the words that were coming from Trelawney, waiting to hear some loop hole in the prophecy.

_"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…"_

That would definitely include Harry and Neville. He had watched the announcements in the Prophet very carefully to read the birth announcements. It could only be Harry or Neville.

_"And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not…" _

And that was the part that caused him trouble. Neither child had been marked yet. At least he didn't know of any marking that had been done. Perhaps Voldemort going after the Potter's first was the sign of the mark. But there should have been a physical sign of the child being chosen as the equal. His dilemma remained unchanged but he listened to the rest of the prophecy anyway.

_"And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…" _

He blinked and found himself back in his office, staring in the swirling silver memory of that night. Marked as his equal…which child would Voldemort choose? Harry was half-blood, just as Tom Riddle had been. Neville, however, was a full blood. Would Neville be chosen to cover Riddle's half blood heritage?

Dumbledore slumped into his chair. One of the children must be shoved to the forefront of this war. Voldemort was set on the death of the parents and children themselves which meant the only way one of the children would survive their meeting with the Dark Lord was if one of their parent's sacrificed themselves for the child. Both Lily and Alice possessed that kind of love and bravery. But which child would be most suited for the weight of the prophecy? A decision had to made and it was up to him to make it: which mother would have to be sacrificed in order to bring about the prophecy?


End file.
